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4 Bumps

It's a conversation I've been dreading- how do I deal with this?

My former SIL is also my best friend. Her teen son lives w/ his dad b/c to say he's a handful is an understatement. Over the last few months, some of his behavior effected me & my family- & bottom line is, my husb & I dont trust him & dont want him in our home. How can I tell my best friend of 25 yrs. that she & her daughter are welcome -but not her son. I'm scared to lose her as a friend. Even tho she knows how he is, it will still hurt to hear it from a friend.

 
mrsmom110

Asked by mrsmom110 at 10:21 AM on Sep. 1, 2010 in Relationships

Level 48 (281,415 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (10)
  • Yes that is a tough one. Your family's safety is most important, even if it means you MAY loose a friend. You need to tell your friend why you don't trust him. If she is aware of his behavior then she should understand. You need to tell her about his behavior effecting your family. I would ask what do you think we should do to fix this problem. She may surprise you and not allow her son to come over anymore, you never know. But you should at least tell her what is going on. Don't let more time go by. Do it now.
    Jerzymom

    Answer by Jerzymom at 11:34 AM on Sep. 1, 2010

  • There is no easy way of saying that and truly you can't. You CAN... but morally you can't tell her he isn't allowed in your home and still expect to have her as a friend. The parent is going to side with the child.
    Memigen

    Answer by Memigen at 10:23 AM on Sep. 1, 2010

  • Real friends tell us the things we don't really want to hear. Real friends tell us the truth we try to deny ourselves. I think you should approach it delicately and use just a couple examples. But you have to put your families safety above anything else.
    an-apple-a-day

    Answer by an-apple-a-day at 10:25 AM on Sep. 1, 2010

  • i would just come out and say it, as nice as possible. something like "you are my best friend and this might hurt you but, my husband and i don't want your son coming over to our house. you and your daughter are welcome, but your son has hurt us and we don't trust him." it will hurt her and maybe strain your friendship, but if you don't trust her son, you don't want him around your kids.
    happy-go-lucky

    Answer by happy-go-lucky at 10:26 AM on Sep. 1, 2010

  • If you find something that works, let me know. My xSIL is my best friend, and she lives 2 doors down from me. Her son just got out of a juvenile corrections foster home (its a long, horrible story) and he's 16. Her daughters are the best girls in the world - ages 11 and 12... I adore my neices, but I dont want my nephew up here. I love Corbin, but he's a bad influence on my son... DS1 (the one that's related to them) is very impressionable and wants to grow up like his cousin - but I don't want my son acting like him!!!
    MunchiesMom324

    Answer by MunchiesMom324 at 11:25 AM on Sep. 1, 2010

  • I agree with pp.... you have to tell her, but be sensitive about it, and try to feel her out and see how she reacts
    BradensMom1026

    Answer by BradensMom1026 at 10:32 AM on Sep. 1, 2010

  • Try to keep in mind that the son is not living with the mother because SHE can't handle him or trust him... Let her know that while you love him and you do not wish to hurt her, you feel she would understand that right now you can't have her son in your home. I would suggest that you can compromise and have time with them all outside your home. Meet at a park or event, go to dinner if finances allow. If he is a troubled kid it can't hurt to keep the door open without being an enabler, and that will show your SIL that you are not just trying to cut him out of your lives. But if he can't behave in public either, then you just do what you have to do. She knows deep down her son can't be trusted and that's what is going to hurt her most. Only bring it up if you have to, and try to avoid that by making alternate arrangements...
    figaro8895

    Answer by figaro8895 at 8:10 PM on Sep. 1, 2010

  • There really isnt an easy way to do that. If she wants to keep the friendship with you then so be it but she needs to understand that her son is hurting you and your family
    noahsmommy12908

    Answer by noahsmommy12908 at 2:11 PM on Sep. 1, 2010

  • There is no easy way to say it, except to say it honestly. She's already aware of the issues her son has, and I'm sure she's aware of the strain and pain it caused your family. It may make your friendship awkward for awhile, but if it's not said and something were to happen, it would be far worse.

    My former BIL went through a lot of problems when he turned 18, including drugs and criminal activity. I finally had to tell him that he was not welcome to see his nephews so long as that continued, and why. (They looked up to him, wanted to be like him, possible criminal charges against ME if he got caught holding in my home, etc.)

    It hurt, a lot. However, once he got clean and sober, he admitted that it was for the best, because seeing he wasn't welcome in my home helped him hit his rock bottom and admit he needed help.
    geminilove

    Answer by geminilove at 2:41 PM on Sep. 1, 2010

  • I'm not going to say anything different than anyone else, but you need to tell her like it is. There is nothing worse than having someone in your home that you do not trust. You can not turn back to them, it is ridiculous. We have had that problem with my little brother's friend. Nothing was safe in the house and I would not let him in. My brother got mad, but started hanging out with his friend some where else. It may hurt your friendship, but she may be more understanding. Good luck.

    krissyvelazquez

    Answer by krissyvelazquez at 3:10 PM on Sep. 1, 2010

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