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When is it time to divorce

I have been married for 16 years and known my husband for 22 years now. We have a 6 yr old. Since day one my husband has always put me low on the totem pole everything else seemed like it came before me and still does. When we had our son I finally felt that motherhood was my purpose in life and I love it. I work full time and always have from day one. My husband has continued to go and come as he pleases even though I try and talk to him about it . I am not very good at confrontation so I try and avoid it if possible. I can deal with it at work but home is a different story. I don't want to displease my husband so I usually just mention it and drop it. About 3 months ago he started staying around the house. The problem is now is that since he is around the house he feels that he has the right to like dictate orders. I felt like I was doing a good job with certain things and he comes in and totally takes over. Help

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Asked by dee216 at 4:08 PM on Sep. 1, 2010 in Relationships

Level 1 (3 Credits)
Answers (12)
  • if you are so unhappy and feel that you have no control over the situation and that it will not change, do it for yourself. you need to do what will make you happy. if being on your own is the answer, then follow your instincts.

    Answer by xtwilightx at 4:11 PM on Sep. 1, 2010

  • Get some counseling asap! The fact that you brought up the "D" word, means you are fed up w/ the way he's treating you. An objective 3rd party can get to the bottom of your issues w/out him feeling "attacked" by everything he's doing wrong. You have alot of years of your life invested in this man, & a child with him- you owe it to yourself & your child to say at least you tried everything to save your marriage. Good Luck!

    Answer by mrsmom110 at 4:13 PM on Sep. 1, 2010

  • thanks xtwilightx I really appreciate your help. We are in marriage counseling now but I feel that that isn't helping either. it seems like I am the only one that is really putting an effort into this. I feel though that I have to try everything I can before I say goodbye to the marriage especially since there is a child involved but I am not sure how much more I can try before enough is enough.

    Comment by dee216 (original poster) at 4:16 PM on Sep. 1, 2010

  • You want him around the house but he tells you how to do things. You don't like confrontation so you've never argued how you feel...

    You have let him live how he wants for this long, he is probably not going to change. You can let him stay away and not order you around or you can have him home and listen to it.

    Sit him down for a good old-fashioned arguement. Tell him how you feel, how you ran the house for all these years without his orders and tell him that he needs to re-evaluate how he views this relationship

    Answer by Jademom07 at 4:18 PM on Sep. 1, 2010

  • thanks mrsmom110 for your help. I am just so confused and torn at times as to how much more do I try before I can't try anymore. There have been times that I have dreaded going home because myhusband was there and I just didn't want to deal with him. He is a very cold and demanding individual and so I have been doing a lot of reading regarding his personality and how to deal with him but again I feel that I am putting all the effort in this. Even though we are going through counseling he doesn't seem to still make us his priority. Like the other day our son started first grade. My mom and sister called to see how our son did and also check on me since I was very sad that he is going to first grade. Do you think my husband would call and see. That night was his golf night, do you think he would come home early to find out how things went. He got home at midnight and he had been drinking on top of it.

    Comment by dee216 (original poster) at 4:22 PM on Sep. 1, 2010

  • jademom07 thanks. I have asked him several times where his priorities lie and he always never answers me. I have asked him what do you want from me or what do you want from this marriage. Again no answer. His actions tell me that his priorities lie elsewhere and have from day one. I am worried that if I get a divorce that my son wouldn't be properly taken care of when it is his turn to watch him. He hasn't treated me right from day one in our marriage. He has put me down, always needs to get the last word in and I thinkhe thinks the whole world evolves around him. If he isn't there and he comes home he never asks us what we did. When he goes away on business trips and our son has something special going on he doesn't call to find out how it went. He doesn't even mention it when he comes back home. It is like out of site out of mind. I think he wants a family when he wants one and when he doesn't he doesn't .

    Comment by dee216 (original poster) at 4:28 PM on Sep. 1, 2010

  • This whole picture is horribly wrong. You are a person who works hard and is looking to be treated right in this relationship. You've been married to this man for 16 years and have earned the right to be treated well. There is no obvious indicators that you have done anything wrong to deserve this bad behavior on his part. Do you think that confronting him would make any difference or is he already set in his ways and wouldn't be open minded to anything you tell me?

    Answer by CafeMochaMom1 at 4:30 PM on Sep. 1, 2010

  • thanks cafemochamom1. I don't feel that I have done anything wrong. I know that since our son came along I haven't given the proper attention to my husband but I am sorry when a child enters your life priorities change. My siblings are all married with children and they don't understand my husband at all. It is like he wants everything like a spoiled baby. It ahs been only within the past 3 months that he has helped out around the house. Prior to this I have worked full time, taken care of a child, dealt with the cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, cutting grass and taking off work everytime the kid is sick or school is closed. He has never offered it was always like bye going to work. Never asking me what is on my plate at work today and if I can miss work. He has taken me for granted from day one and I don't want him to do the same to our son. I want our son to feel love and feel like he is special.

    Comment by dee216 (original poster) at 4:37 PM on Sep. 1, 2010

  • Dee, if there's anything you've done that was "wrong"... and please note the quotes... it was in sticking with this marriage so long. He doesn't want a wife, hon. He wants a maid and occasional f***buddy. The fact that he refuses to answer you means there's nothing he wants from the marriage.

    This man isn't going to give you what you're looking for.

    Answer by gdiamante at 4:47 PM on Sep. 1, 2010

  • thanks gdiamante. I have not done anything wrong. I have never intentionally woke up and said how can I make my husbands life miserable today. I have showed him respect time and time again. I have a good jib so I know I could be able to support my son and I. I am just very scared and worried if I have given it my all or should I try one more time. Someone please point me in the right direction. I have no family here. My family lives in other states. I think if I did have family here that I would have moved out long ago. I do have great friends for support which is very important.

    Comment by dee216 (original poster) at 4:55 PM on Sep. 1, 2010

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