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2 Bumps

How do I handle my toxic mother in law? She told me her life would have been perfect if her son, my husband, had never been born.

Throughout my husbands life, she has always critisized. He has grown up to be an addict and I know that she is his trigger. Nothing is ever good enough and she cares more about what her friends think of her than she does about treating her son better. She throws temptation in his way at every turn and is quick to be nasty about everything. According to her, we are both the stupidest people she knows. She did the same thing to her husband for the 39 years they were married. He recently passed away and she has wasted no time in spending the money he left. My husband knows she is this way and it hurts him that his own mom treats him like she hates him but he refuses to step away from her. He calls her everyday and allows her to treat him like crap. I no longer speak to her and my husband gets upset with me for it but I can't. I do not like or respect that woman and I don't want her in my life. How can I help him?

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Asked by angelaa8207 at 4:39 PM on Sep. 1, 2010 in Relationships

Level 3 (21 Credits)
Answers (17)
  • You really can't. It's HIS issue to deal with. What ever he chooses to do support him. My husbands parents have done the same to him. I simply blame it on ignorance and change the subject. I can't control them. We limit the time together too. There will come a point where your hubby needs to come to terms with this and not blame his mom for his poor choices.

    Answer by Musicmom80 at 4:43 PM on Sep. 1, 2010

  • You can only be there to listen & be his shoulder/sounding board. It's his mom- terrible as she may be - esp. now that she's the only parent he has left. Just remind him over & over what a great guy he is, how you're lucky to have his as your husb., etc. He needs to hear it from at least one important woman in his life. If it can't come from his mom- then let it be you!

    Answer by mrsmom110 at 4:43 PM on Sep. 1, 2010

  • I'm sorry to hear this. I have similar M.I.L. problems. You can't force him out of a relationship with her which sucks. He has to want to get better and realize that she is just hurting him. I applaud you for holding your ground on not talking to her. If all someone wants to do is cause stress in your life, then it is your choice whether or not you let them get to you. I learned to just not care what M.I.L. says or thinks. I hope the situation gets better for you both, but he can't just blame all his problems on her. He responsible for deciding what he does in his life. As for how you can help him, always be there for him and be supportive of him. Let him know you will always love him and that you want him to get better. Good luck to you both.

    Answer by Kword at 4:44 PM on Sep. 1, 2010

  • Thanks. The thing is, he has never once blamed anyone else for the things he has done. He has always taken complete responsibility. I tell him constantly that it wouldn't matter how successful, how rich or how smart he would not matter to her. She will always find something negative to say.The hard part is, he doesn't limit the time with her because he wants so much to have her approval. He will never get it from her...only more heartache.

    Comment by angelaa8207 (original poster) at 4:48 PM on Sep. 1, 2010

  • He needs to cut her pout of his life. Get him to counseling so he can collect the strength to do it. It's not easy; my husband has done the same. He does occasionally call his mom, but every time it ends in disappointment... so he tends not to call any more.

    Answer by gdiamante at 4:48 PM on Sep. 1, 2010

  • You can't do anything really. I've never understood why people choose to remain connected to people that make their lives miserable. Haven't talked to my dad in 10 years (barely talked to him before I moved away) and wouldn't care if I never talked to him again. Keep doing what you are and keep your distance, and he'll have to fight his own battles.

    Answer by thatgirl70 at 4:49 PM on Sep. 1, 2010

  • Give your man a hug!!! Wow, well first it is his mom, but he needs to stand up for himself and you. But asking him to never talk to her again isnt going to work. Limit the time he spends on the phone with her, and time spent face to face. She really needs to go deal with her issues, and pick on both you makes her feel good. If I had to be around her and she called me stupid, I would ask her why she felt that way. And when her illegit answer came out , just reply back that your sorry that she feels that way and if she really cant say something nice then you would like her to not be around you or your hubby. If you had kids I would definately not leave them alone with her. Make sure your DH knows that you support him and dont want him feeling like he's no good, that your glad he's around.

    Answer by browningmom at 4:50 PM on Sep. 1, 2010

  • His mom sounds like my mom... But like everyone else says, you are going to have support him. And no matter how bad she treats him.. She is still his mom.. and he will always try to please her. ..

    Answer by MzGeorgiaPeach at 4:51 PM on Sep. 1, 2010

  • I think he does need to remove her from his life. Some people are strong enough to handle people like this in their life...sadly, my husband is not. Don't get me wrong, he has wonderful qualities and he stands strong and firm on his beliefs but this is a major issue for him. It breaks my heart for him because I want so much better for him. Not the constant battle he goes through daily because his own mother can't find anything nice to say.

    Comment by angelaa8207 (original poster) at 4:51 PM on Sep. 1, 2010

  • What a hard situation. I'm sorry to hear that. I have trouble with my MIL, but she is very supportive of my husband, I won't deny that. Just be there for him and listen to him if he wants to talk or vent about it. My grandmother is that way to my mother and her sisters, and she accepts it and still talks to her. She just expects it, and tries to joke about it. I would explain to him that if he wants to talk to her he can, but that you don't want to be subject to her negativity, and that you choose not to talk to her. Try to be supportive if he needs support and don't "I told you so" him. I don't understand why people continue to talk to people who hurt them, but some just do. Its a decision he needs to make and its going to be hard. I wish you the best!

    Answer by GingerMom33 at 4:52 PM on Sep. 1, 2010

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