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How much say so do we have as step parents?

My stepdaughter just moved in w/us a week& a half ago,she is 15yrs old, of course my fiance wants to please her in everything, it has gone from us driving her 1 1/2 hrs to school everyday because she wants to be w/her friends& we have been paying $300 a month on cell phone bills, now that she is with us, i made him cut her phone off as i feel its a privilage for someone her age to have one& we are now switching her schools because we have already spent $100 extra in gas this week, of course she is upset & my fiance is now hurt because he feels he is hurting her.I don't feel to be wrong here because we are living paycheck to paycheck& simply cannot afford to do all this driving, but now it seems as if i am the evil step mom, I have 2 kids w/him as well & i would do the same if it were them, have i done too much or was he overdoing things?

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gabby06

Asked by gabby06 at 8:31 PM on Sep. 1, 2010 in Parenting Debate

Level 18 (5,830 Credits)
Answers (9)
  • i have to agree, sometimes you have to be the bad guy and your fiance needs to follow suit, this will help you know if your relationship will survive this kind of struggle. that child wont remember every little thing that sucked about her life bc there will be a lot more suckier crap that comes along, ya know!
    angevil53

    Answer by angevil53 at 8:34 PM on Sep. 1, 2010

  • not much.... you are not the parent. you can discuss with/ influence your so but ultimately he is the parent. if you so is already feeling guilty for the dramatic changes in her life i would try to make as few other changes as possible, it sounds like you are going to push her away. i'd try to stay out of it as much as possible and let him deal with his daughter.
    skittles1108

    Answer by skittles1108 at 8:36 PM on Sep. 1, 2010

  • Sometimes you have to be the bad guy but you may over step. I had a step mom who tried to create her boundaries with me, when I was a teen Ha ha lets just say that power trippin B!@#$ is gone now and I don't have to deal with her. She became a pain in the ass because I knew I came first in my dads eyes, and so did my dad, so her over stepping was like digging her grave deeper and deeper. My advice is to choose your battles, leave the parenting to her parent, if she just moved in with you she probably doesn't see you as some parental figure anyway. The last thing you want is the blame because she decided to move out to who knows where because she got cut from doing so much. jmo
    DomoniqueWS

    Answer by DomoniqueWS at 8:42 PM on Sep. 1, 2010

  • Sounds like your doing good. That is your household/money too she can't be driven an hour and a half to school that is insane and she doesn't need a cell phone at 15. Just stand your ground and don't let her run over you and don't allow her to dump and her dad and make him feel worse then she will really get her way. As for the question you have a lot of "say" she is living in your home and you are helping to pay her bills but, your fiance has to be on the same page and agree with you or she will play you two against each other.
    matthewscandi

    Answer by matthewscandi at 8:42 PM on Sep. 1, 2010

  • And don't let ANYONE tell you, you are nothing because your "just the stepmom." Your children are just as important as she is and your relationship with your fiance is very important also.
    matthewscandi

    Answer by matthewscandi at 8:45 PM on Sep. 1, 2010

  • Thanks guys i really needed to hear this from someone who doesnt know us!
    gabby06

    Comment by gabby06 (original poster) at 8:54 PM on Sep. 1, 2010

  • It really depends on your support network from the bio-parent. In my case, I had very little. The stepkid could get away with almost anything shy of murdering someone, even then the kid would have had to do it in my DH's face. After awhile I realized I was just a grown-up roomate who didn't mean anything to him and only did as I asked because it got me off his back. He was very spoiled and lazy and didn't like that I wasn't a butt kisser like everyone else was when he threw a fit. The day he stepped into the real world was a real eyeopener for him, and saved my marriage, cuz the rate it was going, I wasn't going to be able to take it much longer. You really need the support of the bio-parent.
    Zoeyis

    Answer by Zoeyis at 6:56 AM on Sep. 2, 2010

  • As a mother , I have 5 children and only one is from a differnet father ( He has no right) But when I do allow him to see my son ( when we visit home as we are military) His fiance has NO say in my childs upbringing, and is not allowed to even punish him! Theya re losers, and I only allow them with him supervised!
    JoLee12345

    Answer by JoLee12345 at 6:50 PM on Sep. 2, 2010

  • You have a right to say what the finances are in your home. 15 is old enough to get a job to pay some of these expenses. But sit down with DH and work it out between yourselves and present a united front so that you are not always made out to be the bad guy.
    riotgrrl

    Answer by riotgrrl at 2:11 PM on Sep. 13, 2010

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