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My daughter,23, is married to soldier. She has been married for almost 4 years. Her husband has been to Iraq twice.I need help on this?

From what I can gather, she called me at 3 this morning, then 6, crying her guts out,he keeps saying he wants a divorce and from what she tells me, he is verbally abusive. He tells her he doesn't know if he wants to stay married, he wants a divorce,that she is too emotional,he doesn't know if he loves her, etc. He will not go to counseling and she has tried.He tells her she has to move out of the home . They have no children and he tells her he will not help her financially.He just wants to throw her out.(She always has a home with me if she wants). I have talked til I am almostblue in the face.This happens a lot and I dont' know what to say anymore. Any helpful words and please don't be bitchy.Its a shame I had to say that.I am anonymous for a reason.


Asked by Anonymous at 7:38 AM on Oct. 12, 2008 in Adult Children (18+)

This question is closed.
Answers (19)
  • I have older children an it hurts to watch them hurt.However you can only let her no your there.Untill she is ready to put an end to it you cant make her.As for what he says or does you cant control that either.She must love him an thats why she is hanging on.All you can do is support her emotions right now.

    Answer by fearful5 at 6:07 PM on Oct. 12, 2008

  • I am a soldier's wife and I have been through three extended deployments. I know this may come as a shock to you but a LOT of marriages go through this during deployments. When soldiers are overseas, it REALLY messes with their minds. They begin to question things. They often question career choices, marriage choices, lifestyle choices, religion, among MANY other things. Being deployed can sometimes make a soldier go through a type of early mid-life crisis. I suggest that she just tells him to wait until he gets home from deployment to discuss this issue. DO NOT MAKE A DECISON WHILE HE IS DEPLOYED. When he cmes home he will more than likely realize how crazy those thoughts were.


    Answer by AvasMommy810 at 7:49 AM on Oct. 12, 2008

  • He will realize how much he has going for him when he gets home and he will be eternally grateful to his wife for sticking by his side. It will make their marriage stronger! Just tell her to take a deep breath and HELP just tell him how much she loves him. Tell her not to give in to any name-calling or arguing. Stay as positive as possible when communicating and send letters and care packages often. Tell her to stay strong and don't give up. Chances are things will be better when he returns home. Trust me.


    Answer by AvasMommy810 at 7:49 AM on Oct. 12, 2008

  • No, it didn't come as a shock, I already knew that part. He isn't there now and hasn't been for 2 years, so this has nothing to do with deployment now. I said that because I know there is delayed reactions, but, he will not get help.I have told her all the other stuff before. Its the now that I am worried about,but, thank you!

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:54 AM on Oct. 12, 2008

  • If he is already home and still wants the divorce, the military will require him to go to marriage counseling before he is allowed to divorce. The only way that they can get divorced without counseling is to get an uncontested divorce. Either way he is REQUIRED TO give her alimony. She will also continue to receive his health care benefits until either he or she remarries. The military requires that you be separated for one year and one day before you can finalize any divorce.


    Answer by AvasMommy810 at 7:55 AM on Oct. 12, 2008

  • Do you have a website that I can send to her about the counseling. He tells her this and this and this, and she is really lost and I want to help her as much as I can.

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:08 AM on Oct. 12, 2008

  • PS. she would contest it in a heartbeat, cause she doesn't want it.

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:09 AM on Oct. 12, 2008

  • The best thing that she can do is contact her FRG (Family Readiness Group). Her FRG leader would tell her what options she has. The FRG leader is usually the First sergeant's wife or sargeant first class's wife. Usually any NCOs wife could tell her how to contact the FRG leader.J ust tell her to contact one of her husband's NCO's wife.


    Answer by AvasMommy810 at 8:35 AM on Oct. 12, 2008

  • I am ex-military and was married to someone in the military, I am now remarried to someone in the military. The military DOES NOT require that either party attend counseling and the service member IS NOT required to give her alimony. The only way she would be entitled to anything is if they have been married for 10 years or more and doesn't remarry... then she would be entitled to his retirement pay. The military will no longer help spouses or service members with divorce. You can go to JAG (Judge Advocate Generals Office) and they can give advise but that is about it. If he has contacted JAG already then they cannot help her because it is a conflict of interest. Your daughters best bet is to contact a civilian lawyer and go from there.... they will give free consults.

    Answer by mommyof4ormore at 9:40 AM on Oct. 12, 2008

  • To the poster, could you PM me? I would love to give you some information. I am a POC (point of contact) for the FRG here where we are stationed. I have a bunch of stuff that might help you!

    Answer by l.bicks at 10:39 AM on Oct. 12, 2008