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What would you say to your daughter that is going thru a rough marriage?

She is blamed for this and that, verbally abused, emotionally abused,etc. She does not want a divorce but her husband is always saying he wants a divorce, then not, driving her up a wall. She is trying hard to make it work, and I have talked to her alot about whats going on. He has put it into her head that everything that goes wrong is her fault. Her self esteem is going downhill if not already there. Her heart breaks which in turn breaks mine. Maybe I have missed something and haven't said it. Can you give me some ideas?

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Asked by Anonymous at 9:42 AM on Oct. 12, 2008 in Relationships

Answers (6)
  • I was going through a rough patch in my marriage and my mother, who had to see it, never said a word. It was kinda good because when things got better there was never any wierdness between her and my husband, but I wish she had a least said to me - she supported me. I would say to your daughter that you love her and will help her if she needs it. Let her know you are there, but don't get too involved. She is a big girl. She got married and like any woman has to handle her relationship. Tell her never to beg a man to stay, that if he leaves she'll be fine. She has family including you. I had felt so isolated, and when my husband talked about leaving I thought I would be alone forever. Its only when I stopped being so desperate for him, that he came around.

    Answer by Traleelai at 9:48 AM on Oct. 12, 2008

  • i had my husband leave me for a short period of time and my mom was there for me... she didnt say anything bad about him or anything cause she knew i still loved him... i got over wanting to do everything right for him.. and I stood up for myself... my mom help.ed me out financialy when i needed it and i apreciate everything she did for me

    Answer by navywifemomkoch at 9:59 AM on Oct. 12, 2008

  • Sounds like my relationship. Are you my mom? LOL. Anyway, she is going to have to get sick and tired of things herself. She will eventually come to a point where she sees him for who he is and what he is doing. It took me years. I auctually filed for divorce once, it was almost final and he came back crying and I got sucked right back in. That was 4 years ago. I am just now at the point where I can't take it anymore. I told him I wanted a divorce. All you can do it be supportive and let her know that you are there for her, you will never judge her for her decision to stay or go. i

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:15 AM on Oct. 12, 2008

  • Honestly if he wants to be with her he would get help to stop being abusive. And I wouldn't stick around to find out if he got "better". I would leave because of the abuse...then if he gets better we could try again.

    Answer by raybell at 11:29 AM on Oct. 12, 2008

  • I read How to Live with a Passive Aggressive Man. It was good and gave me tips on how to cope and stay in the relationship. She might want to read The Four Agreements which says Don't Take Anything personally. That is the best advice one could get for any situation. His ramblings about her are all reflections of how he feels about himself NOT HER. She needs to understand that. He's saying then to her because she's accepting his hurtful words and thinking he is talking about and to her. He's not. He's only directing them at her. Tell her to look up personality disorders and see if he fits in any of those categories. If so, then look up that disorder and see how to deal with that particular one. A lot of women stay with men like him. I'm guessing they find a way to deal with it without taking his hurtful words personally. She can't control him but she can control how and what she accepts in what he says.

    Answer by admckenzie at 12:29 PM on Oct. 12, 2008

  • Tell her to get them into counseling and get her these two books: Love & Respect by Emerson Eggerichs and Becoming the Woman of His Dreams by Sharon Jaynes. Good luck, pray for your daughter and her kids too.

    Answer by feesharose at 3:48 PM on Oct. 12, 2008

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