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Just curious what you think is going on in this marriage....

A girl who fills her life with fun, travel, and friends but avoids romance because she's terrified of rejection. A man who's hand too many lonely nights and longs for a companionship this deep and intimate. They find in each other something they never knew with anyone else. He falls in love, but feels like she doesn't even know how. He pursues heroically, to the point of following her to a foreign country. His persistence wins her. Still afraid, she determines to walk down that isle, and when she says "I do," she lets go of all those years of protecting herself. Now they're married and the roles seem to reverse. Now she wants to be close, but he's distant. He says she's changed, but if she presses deeper, he becomes so angry and frustrated at his inability to meet her needs that he isolates himself and even is occasionally destructive. The rest of the time he's a decent guy, albeit distant, convinced he's got it all together.

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 2:24 PM on Sep. 2, 2010 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (13)
  • i think with therapy they could fall in love again. seems to me he was infatuated with her and didn't really know or love her for who she really was or thought she was. she finally saw something in him that has been lost through marriage. to much expectations from the start.
    melody77

    Answer by melody77 at 2:28 PM on Sep. 2, 2010

  • P.S. : Two decent people who can't seem to be emotionally intimate, can't communicate without tempers flaring. They've been through counseling with two therapists who couldn't get to the root of the problem.

    She's so frustrated and hurt she doesn't want to have sex anymore.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 2:25 PM on Sep. 2, 2010

  • I would say it is time to try a "trial seperation". That may be the answer to all of their questions.

    Can we stand one another? Can we live without one another? Could we move on quickly or would we be distraught without one another?

    It will be hard but it may be the best. They both may find that they are better without one another or with one another.
    Memigen

    Answer by Memigen at 2:29 PM on Sep. 2, 2010

  • Maybe he is a fixer, a healer...so he follows her to the end of the world because he knows he can fix all that is wrong or missing in her life and when he accomplished it, he woke up and realized that he was infatuated with process not the result. She doesn't need to be fixed anymore and he doesn't know how to handle that.
    WoodWitch

    Answer by WoodWitch at 2:31 PM on Sep. 2, 2010

  • Sounds like the plot to a crappy movie. Or are you looking for homework help?
    coder_chick

    Answer by coder_chick at 2:34 PM on Sep. 2, 2010

  • LOL @ coder! No, this is my life!

    We really do love each other. I just think he didn't grow up knowing what a good relationship looks like, he doesn't know how to make it happen, and he resists being vulnerable or risking criticism. There's a lot more to it.

    It's not so bad that I'm ready to call it quits--I made a commitment and I'm going to do all in my power to make it work. And we have a baby to think of.

    He always says he'll try harder, but I'm tired of hearing that. I think he needs therapy, but I know it won't help until he believes he needs help.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 2:38 PM on Sep. 2, 2010

  • It sounds like it could be a boundaries problem. Those are very hard to deal with, but there is a wonderful book that I think might help the both of you. You might even want to read it together. It's BOUNDARIES IN MARRIAGE by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend. There is a lot of good information in the book, and it for sure won't hurt anything for the two of you to read it, and it just might help! Hope it does!
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 2:42 PM on Sep. 2, 2010

  • Anon because I don't need to be bashed. You aren't listening to the therapists or they are just wasting your time with asking and how do you feel when she says that while nobody listens. If you want to be in love or think you are, you work on noticing your partner. What do you do which causes him to be unhappy? What does he ask you to do once in a while? When do you criticize him? What do you do when he cricitizes you? Just questions. You aren't some romantic novel. You are two separate identities who need to put forth the effort to learn how to live with another person. If you have had abuse in your past he can't fix it for you.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:56 PM on Sep. 2, 2010

  • Anon, I think you're right on. Therapists have mostly focused on me, because I always open up and spill my guts. Not that I didn't need to grow, but when they tried to talk to my husband, he would clam up and I think they were afraid of turning him off. It was much easier to focus on me. And they would ask me the same questions and go over the same stuff and I got so tired of repeating myself and never getting anywhere.

    What do I do that causes him to be unhappy? Well, let's see... he didn't like me wearing jeans that were too long. I don't keep the house well enough. He expected me to work harder (my career history is another story, which I struggle with, but I don't think it should keep him from treating me lovingly). He doesn't like the way my jaw pops when I eat....

    What does he ask me to do? Not much. He's very careful not to need me. However, I know he would like me to work harder around the house. (cont)
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 4:56 PM on Sep. 2, 2010

  • Maybe he's one of the guys that LOVES the thrill of the chase? Figure out a way to let him "chase" you some more?
    coder_chick

    Answer by coder_chick at 4:58 PM on Sep. 2, 2010

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