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How do you deal with controlling inlaws (or other people in your life)?

My MIL has always been controlling. I got pregnant before we were married (although we were engaged). She basically called me a cheating whore and demanded a paternity test, even though our son was planned. When we wouldn't do what she wanted, her and FIL refused to have anything to do with our wedding. They weren't there. Hubby's grandparents paid for what his parents should have. So, fast forward through all kinds of other BS. Just within the last two years we've started talking again. MIL took a trip to visit her parents a couple months ago, told us not to think about coming because we weren't invited. We have a special trip planned for tomorrow (his gpas birthday is in two weeks), and I just found out from my hubby that she's invited herself to come along, and is now planning out the entire day. This is just the latest in a string of incidents we've had. I've had enough... how do I approach it without causing WWIII?

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SAHMomOf3

Asked by SAHMomOf3 at 8:34 AM on Sep. 3, 2010 in Relationships

Level 17 (3,874 Credits)
Answers (9)
  • I think this is just the kind of situation where you need to keep them out of you and your childrens lives. Tell her not to think about coming because she isn't invited and let that be the end of it. If your husband doesn't want anything to do with them. Let me throw that in there. If he also doesn't want them around then it shouldn't be a huge problem.

    My husband and I have his aunt and cousin in that situation. They attacked me (verbally, to him) shortly after our daughter was born and seriously offended him. Our daughter will be 1 on sunday and we have not seen them or talked to them or invited them to her baptism or her birthday party this weekend. They are very negative manipulative people, and we don't want to be around that. When my husbands mother takes our daughter to see her great grandma (which is where the aunt and cousin live) they see her a little. But we don't bring ourselves around them.
    gottalovemal

    Answer by gottalovemal at 8:41 AM on Sep. 3, 2010

  • How does your husband feel about all of this. If he has no problem with it.... your screwed. If he's not ok with it, he needs to tell her so. If you do it you will be the bad guy and your husband - even if he agrees with you in theory - will not like you confronting his mom. This is his battle, not yours. It took 10 years for my husband to finally stand up to his parents. Its been infinitely better these last 3 years since he finally did, but it does still piss me off that it took so long. But no use harping on that..... Its done now. Good luck
    karamille

    Answer by karamille at 8:41 AM on Sep. 3, 2010

  • My inlaws are very controlling. My DH never noticed how much until after we got married and moved far away. Now his eyes have opened up more to it, now that they aren't an active part of his life anymore. So to answer: pure avoidance and with greater distance, it gets easier to do so. When he does have to talk to them, he's nice and patient, if it gets out of hand, he simply says Bye and hangs up.
    Zoeyis

    Answer by Zoeyis at 8:43 AM on Sep. 3, 2010

  • First you are upset because she doesn't want to be involve and now you are upset because she does. It sounds like this is a family event. She hasn't "invited herself along" on a romantic get away. Be nice and try and enjoy yourself.  


    Some people are old fashioned and think it might be nice to be married before you have planned pregnancies. If they are religious being pregnant before marriage may be a huge issue. I can understand why parents would be upset that my child planned and got pregnant before a planned wedding. I would think that they could wait. If a woman would get pregnant before marriage she may have other lapses in values. That may be the thinking of your MIL and why she wanted her son to make sure the baby is his.

    Gailll

    Answer by Gailll at 8:46 AM on Sep. 3, 2010

  • My husband is sick of her crap, but he won't grow a pair and tell her that. He just complains to me, but won't let me say anything because he wants to "be the bigger person"... to which my response is- "I'm 5'5" and weigh 120 lbs. I'm a small person, I should be able to say what I want!" lol
    His mother just took a trip there, a month ago. She was there an entire week. We asked about coming up for ONE DAY and she was like "well, you're uninvited". It was completely rude- so we decided to plan our own trip. Just the other night I found out that she's planning on coming too. My husband won't let me call her and say anything, but I'm thinking about addressing the issue very soon... otherwise the anger will eat me alive.
    SAHMomOf3

    Comment by SAHMomOf3 (original poster) at 8:48 AM on Sep. 3, 2010

  • she's invited herself to come along, and is now planning out the entire day


    She can't do this unless someone allows it.  It's really quite simple to say no.  Since it sounds like you're sure not the one allowing it, that means your husband is - which means your problem isn't with her.  It's with him.

    caseyandkids

    Answer by caseyandkids at 8:50 AM on Sep. 3, 2010

  • To Gaill- My inlaws are NOT religious people. In fact, they swear in front of my children all the time and think nothing of it. They were just angry over it because they couldn't control it. And, people make mistakes- not like I can go back in time and change it. No need to get up on your high horse over something that wasn't even part of my question. My saying that they weren't involved in our wedding was just so that I could stress all that his grandparents have done for us. I am over the wedding thing. And NO, it's not a "family event". We called and made special arrangements with his grandparents to make the trip this weekend because no one else is going to be there. There won't be anyone else we have to deal with and can just have one on one time with his grandparents. She did invite herself, and now she's trying to plan the entire day when we just wanted to go there and relax and visit with them.
    SAHMomOf3

    Comment by SAHMomOf3 (original poster) at 8:52 AM on Sep. 3, 2010

  • "[Insert Mother inlaws Name], this is a special trip for my family to visit Grandpa, we would appriciate it just being a day for us to visit. It would be best that you reschedule, so that we can have the day that we planned." .. If she blows up then let her have her fit, but ignore it, and continue on with your plans. If she comes along then just be civil, but don't go along with everything she says. Have your day and leave her to sulk if that's what it comes to.
    JazzlikeMraz

    Answer by JazzlikeMraz at 9:25 AM on Sep. 3, 2010

  • Help her uninvite herself because this yall trip. It not gonna be a good trip if she goes so you cant let her go.gl
    mekarevell

    Answer by mekarevell at 9:38 AM on Sep. 3, 2010

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