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Does breaking up with a live-in boyfriend spare you the same pain as divorce?

I read a post about having a baby before marriage. Someone mentioned that they hated to marry, because of all the pain of divorce. I'm going through a divorce now and it's emotionally extremely raw depression. It was a marriage with abuse and I needed out. Besides legal factors, how does a break-up with a live in spare you pain? I was entitled to a share of his pension, but would have been left with nothing, if we had just lived together. Thanks for taking the time to answer.

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Asked by FamilyCoach at 9:04 PM on Oct. 12, 2008 in Relationships

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Answers (11)
  • Well, with a breakup you can just leave. There is no legal mess to deal with. A divorce can drag on and on. My best friend has been trying to settle her divorce for well over a year now, and it has been a nightmare. Had she been able to just walk away and make a clean break, she'd have moved on with her life by now. But instead she is stuck in limbo.

    Answer by BlueFrogMama at 9:07 PM on Oct. 12, 2008

  • Emotionally, I would think it would be the same thing, but legally, you could just walk way. OP, I agree with you. My first marriage was abusive, and I needed to get out also. Took almost eight months for my divorce to go through, but it has been worth it. I'm now married to the man who got me out. We were old friends for many years (therefore not a stranger), and my kids love him. We lived together til my divorce went through and married as soon as it was legal to do so.

    Congrats on getting out! Your life will be much better now no matter how long it takes for your divorce to become final.

    Answer by rhope4 at 9:26 PM on Oct. 12, 2008

  • FamilyCoach, feel free to pm me if you need support. What you're going through isn't easy, but you're not alone. I walked away with nothing but my kids, but the court awarded me some things that my ex didn't want me to have. Still going to court over a lot of things, but at least I don't have to put up with his abuse anymore. That's worth it in itself.

    Answer by rhope4 at 9:28 PM on Oct. 12, 2008

  • emotionally i think it is but you don't have to go through the legal process of divorce being a drawn out process which i would imagine being the worst part

    Answer by JessicaF1120 at 9:29 PM on Oct. 12, 2008

  • breaking up with your boyfriend is just as painful (but a whole lot cheaper although sometimes you get screwed unless you get child support etc) :P


    Answer by Tessa2.0 at 9:50 PM on Oct. 12, 2008

  • the emotional pain can be devastating in both situations. Feelings don't care about the legality of the relationship

    Answer by admckenzie at 10:03 PM on Oct. 12, 2008

  • I've broken up with a live-in boyfriend. The pain was intense, but it was tempered by the fact that we hadn't loved each other enough to get married. If we had really been so tight why hadn't we gotten married. I realized my pain was caused more by the loss of routine and my comfort-zone than the loss of him and his love. Now if my DH and I ever heart aches just thinking about.

    Answer by Babujai at 10:14 PM on Oct. 12, 2008

  • When you're not married you always KNOW you can get out if you have to, no muss no fuss. Just pack your bags and go. You may claim a commitment, but you're not committing legally - on paper 'n everything - accepting all of the complications that come with it.

    When you marry you make a commitment, most of us say in our vows that it's a commitment for life. We're not going in knowing there's an easy way out and we're not expecting to pack a bag and leave when the going gets tough. We KNOW that if we want/need to leave that it's going to be a big legal, and possibly religious, mess.

    Answer by Avarah at 11:26 PM on Oct. 12, 2008

  • There is a difference between marriage and a live in boyfriend, besides the legal BS.
    A marriage is more complex than a long term relationship. As many have said in any "relationship" no strings attached you can just walk away which is true. You'll suffer heartache and agony for a little while, but you'll get over it and move on. A marriage is a sacred union where you give vows promising to honor and love eachother and from that day forward you plan your life together and dream of growing old together. There is more time, energy, emotion, put into a marriage to make it work, last and to find happiness. "What is yours is mine" right.
    I'm sorry for your pain, however you needed to change your life if you wanted a life, divorces are huge messes at times, but you will move forward eventually and I always say this, it could be worse!

    Answer by MeganMack at 12:30 AM on Oct. 13, 2008

  • I agree that marriage is not the same as living with someone. I lived with DH for three years before we got married. Even though we told everyone that we already felt like we were married, and we didn't think there was going to be a difference, we woke up the next morning feeling the difference. There is just something more permanent about getting married. If it is just living together, there is always an easy out.

    Answer by cfdm3s_mommy at 1:19 AM on Oct. 13, 2008

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