Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

1 Bump

Should I cut my ties with dad and stepmom?

My Dad has the onset of dementia. His family does not talk to him much, due to previous alcoholism. (He stopped drinking now)My dad and I have not had the best relationship over the years, but we have got through it and mangled up a relationship over the last 5 years. My mom passed away years ago, after my parents were divorced. My stepmom and I have always had issues. She will be my best friend, then talk crap about me(even to my hubby!!!)I always am the one to bring our son to their house to visit, they never come over to our home. My step mom says I don't come by enough, and I should see/help my dad more. I always feel like I am not doing something right when it comes to my parents, though I know I am participating in healthy lifestyles(college full time, work full time and 2nd part time, hanging with my son and hubby...) They make me so miserable. I want to just cut my ties with them, but feel guilty because my dad is sick

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 8:24 AM on Sep. 5, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (11)
  • You are correct, he is your dad. It sounds like you have a full plate with your own life. Do the best you can. Once a week is great with your schedule. You are to help not take over the care, that is his wife's job. "In sicknees and health..." Yes, illness of a parent is stressful on any family. Take your stepmom for what she is. Don't expect anything else or you will end up angry and that will affect your family. Best of luck!
    momx3gx1b

    Answer by momx3gx1b at 8:32 AM on Sep. 5, 2010

  • since you have a full plate see your dad as much as you can.just pray for your stepmother.
    moxiema

    Answer by moxiema at 8:37 AM on Sep. 5, 2010

  • I understand your conflict. I was very close to my maternal grandfather, but not at all close to my mother. I was living out of state when my grandfather became ill. However, I called him everyday, and sent him cards and healthy treats and snacks from Harry & David weekly--he was depressed and not eating. Since he always listened to me--I knew if I bought him foods he would eat them.

    He had a home-care nurse who would prepare the snacks I sent for him, and he started taking better care of himself. I always went home to visit him for the holidays, birthdays, etc. But made it clear to my mother that I was here for "Papa" and not her. I even stayed in a nearby hotel when I visited.

    I had no idea, until the reading of his will, that he had changed it one month before he died and left me his home, and a few prized possessions! Nearly 11 years later, my mother thinks i was being kind to get his house, and it should have been hers!
    LoriKeet

    Answer by LoriKeet at 8:40 AM on Sep. 5, 2010

  • Sometimes you just can't win. But I know the truth, and obviously my grandfather did too at the time, and that's all that matters. My mother is a bitter and lonely old woman--which is all of her own doing. She would rather brood about "what should have been" than what is, and make the best of it.

    My point is, if you have a good relationship with your stepfather, then do for HIM, pay no attention to your step-mother, and in the end you will have the satisfaction that you did what you could to help him and show that you cared.
    LoriKeet

    Answer by LoriKeet at 8:43 AM on Sep. 5, 2010

  • INteresting question My husband just lost his biological father who was not in his life and had to come to terms with how to mourn him So whether we should make peace with any estrangement in our familiy hit rather close to home since I am curently estranged from my mother
    At thispoint all I can say is families are complicated and yet human and it makes it difficult because theyare the ones who know all the right buttons to push amd yet family is the one htat is usually there for you.
    cappacarol298

    Answer by cappacarol298 at 8:53 AM on Sep. 5, 2010

  • I think you should do what you feel is best and what is in your heart (mostly in regards to your dad because he is family (flesh and blood). But don't let others make you feel guilty. Let them be miserable if they want to.
    firenicecream

    Answer by firenicecream at 9:04 AM on Sep. 5, 2010

  • If it is toxic, I say drop it.
    ycatstouch

    Answer by ycatstouch at 9:20 AM on Sep. 5, 2010

  • I agree with firenicecream. Do what is in your heart and be content with it. Tell your step mom that you are doing what you can and she is not going to make you feel guilty. Invite them over again if you want to. GL
    elizabr

    Answer by elizabr at 9:29 AM on Sep. 5, 2010

  • you are doing the best you can with your father, your stepmom is going to feel as she does regardless of what you do.
    Scuba

    Answer by Scuba at 9:37 AM on Sep. 5, 2010

  • She may be trying to manopulate u thru guilt into taking over his care. Proceed w/caution, maybe pull away some but not completely. GL
    KARRIEMARIE

    Answer by KARRIEMARIE at 9:46 AM on Sep. 5, 2010

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.
close Join now to connect to
other members!
Connect with Facebook or Sign Up Using Email

Already Joined? LOG IN