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4 Bumps

Am I being unreasonable or is my husband taking me for granted?

My husband and I moved a few years back. Where we currently live most of his family is here however none of my family are. We have two children under seven. We discussed and I thought agreed before we moved here what the boundaries would be where inlaws were concerned. Since I have no family here and my husband takes the children at least once a week if not more sometimes to see his Mom,etc I did not feel it necessary for his family to be included at our church outings. I feel quite lonely here and wish someone from my side would come so my children would grow up with some of my heritage. As of yet it's not happening and all I asked was that our church outings be sacred space for our family unit. I feel like my husband is going back on his agreement with me as he has started to give invitations to a few events. He resents me now and says he needs friends. I'm not sure if I'm blowing this out of porportion or what.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 10:50 PM on Sep. 5, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (9)
  • well then why did you move away from all your family? im sorry, but i dont care if the guy is the love of my life, i would never move away from everyone i know for a man.
    PURPULbutterfly

    Answer by PURPULbutterfly at 11:03 PM on Sep. 5, 2010

  • I too moved away from my family when I moved in with DH. Who then was my boyfriend. I felt very isolated, very lonely, and very trapped due to having none of my family around. They only lived two hours away, but it felt like they were across the country at times. It was very hard at first. Especially since at the time I didn't get along with his family at all .We were constantly at one another's throat and it just made everything worse. After a while SOME of his family and I came to terms, but it's not the same as having MY family close by. In that sense I very much know how you feel and it can be very hard.

    As for your Church events. It sounds like your husband wants his family involved in those church outings. That he wants them to feel involved in something that he does. I see that to you they're invading your family space, but is that because it's his family specifically?
    JazzlikeMraz

    Answer by JazzlikeMraz at 11:10 PM on Sep. 5, 2010

  • (Contin) Is it because it's HIS family that's getting involved and not your family? Or is it truely because you wanted those church events to be souly for your family only? If it's due to the fact that it's his family then that's something that you need to deal with. Because he may really feel that he wants his family involved in this. However, if you feel he's truely overstepping the bounderies and breaking the space that you two wanted for your family then that needs to be resolved. Either way you two need to really talk about this and see where you both stand on this situation. I can understand it's hard for you to see eye to eye, but it's important that you hear one another out.

    The way I see it is that you're missing your family and feel your children are missing out on your family's cultural experience. That may be why you're feeling intruded upon by his family. Is that it?
    JazzlikeMraz

    Answer by JazzlikeMraz at 11:13 PM on Sep. 5, 2010

  • i would be hurt too. maybe you are being taken for granted. if asking to stop doesn't work then i'm afraid there is nothing that will help you here. sorry. it's to bad that he isn't taking your feelings into consideration.
    melody77

    Answer by melody77 at 11:26 PM on Sep. 5, 2010

  • I don't think he's taking you for granted. Perhaps it would help both of you if you tried to think of them as part fo your family now, too. I understand that you're missing your side of the family but why not try to enjoy the family that is around?
    ceallaigh

    Answer by ceallaigh at 11:50 PM on Sep. 5, 2010

  • Did you move away for him to have another job, or was it more because he wanted to. I would feel the same way. It sounds like to me that he wants to keep you away from your family, and that's just not fair. As I see it, you have two choices: 1) try to make new friends for yourself, it isn't going to happen if you are isolated, 2) would you rather move back and be with your family? What would make you happier? It's not going to get any better until you do something.
    amessageofhope

    Answer by amessageofhope at 12:01 AM on Sep. 6, 2010

  • he needs friends huh?? Make the best of it and try to learn to appreciate your in laws. My family is all 2 hrs away and his is about 20 minutes. They are fat, over eating, rude, inconsiderate, gossipy, back stabbing jerkoffs who blow money like it doesn't matter- which is why my husband cant save a penny for a rainy day- and I have always hated them all. Now that I'm surrounded by them and their artificial church going behavior, I put on a happy face and deal. Not much else you an do, but put your foot down for certain events, invite your family to a few even if you don't think they'll come, try. Family can come through when you least expect it. YOU need a private family unit- ask your husband this- define family: your parents and siblings, or your wife and children. If it's not the latter of the two, you may want to move home for a bit til he can get it right. Good Luck!! :)
    KariLyn84

    Answer by KariLyn84 at 12:15 AM on Sep. 6, 2010

  • I would be pissed for the simple fact that you had an agreement that this would be the ONE thing ya'll would do just as a family unit. With no extended family involvement. And now he's gone back on it. Why he can't leave them out of it, IDK. Why he can't go to church functions without any extended family, and have it just your little family, IDK. Ask him. Explain to him that you want it to JUST BE YOUR FAMILY. But you have to explain that you understand he needs his family. He can make friends easier if his family isn't there, with other church members, explain that to him. His whole, 'I need friends' argument will be blown out of the water. He's not taking you for granted, but he's being a bit selfish. You did move there for him, I'm guessing, away from your family. You gave up a whole lot, and he's not giving this up for you, when he agreed to. I'd be pissed.
    Raine2001

    Answer by Raine2001 at 11:22 AM on Sep. 6, 2010

  • I understand it is not easy to leave all you know for the man you love. It is a sacrifice. One question. When he was living around your family, who did he have? The other thing is this. What example did Jesus Christ set for us? He left home for what? To make a way for us. He had no room at the inn; no room with his family; no room in the Temple; no room in the city, he was buried outside the walls. He was forsaken, beaten, & rejected. He knew he would be. Still he reach out to us, loved us, then paid the ultimate price,His life for our future. Ask the Lord to fill you up with His love so you can extend it to your husband, children, and in-laws. The sacrifce you make will bring you rich rewards. I know, because I did the same thing. Because of my sacrifice, my husband loves me even more. He saw what I was willing to do out of my great love for him & his family too. I pray this encourages you. You are right. but at what price?
    Prayerpartner

    Answer by Prayerpartner at 10:06 AM on Sep. 9, 2010

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