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How does a counselor tell you to respond?

when your husband says "do I ever do anything right?" i was talking to him about my feelings - not picking on him or criticizing. he is oversensitive and dramatic (not that i would say that to him or treat him that way - i pretend he is a normal adult when i talk to him) and takes anything i say personally. a while back he did some soul-searching and realized that he was taking everything personally but has lost touch with that along the way. and i mean everything... other drivers' mistakes - even the wii has it out for him. Sigh. anyway... i know there is an appropriate nonconfrontational response to such a question but i'm at a loss at the moment. also, when he changes the subject and starts digging because he takes my feelings as an attack... i know he's not communicating well but that doesn't mean i don't want to try to...

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figaro8895

Asked by figaro8895 at 2:12 PM on Sep. 6, 2010 in Relationships

Level 26 (27,251 Credits)
Answers (6)
  • That's a victim statement ... designed to both elicit an emotional response and to allow for manipulation. Redirect that - ask for clarification.
    lovesergei

    Answer by lovesergei at 2:18 PM on Sep. 6, 2010

  • I agree with "lovesergei".. that is a victim statement and it is being used to make you feel horrible. He needs some counseling to learn to deal with his issues.... he is manipulating you and your feelings... it is called ........"borderline personality disorder"..... bless your heart...
    inlimbomom

    Answer by inlimbomom at 2:39 PM on Sep. 6, 2010

  • It might have started out as a way to manipulate you, but now it's ingrained in him. Now it's like he's got a mental illness of sorts. He's got a lot of work to do, and you've got a lot of work to do, too. Namely, working on your patience.
    Raine2001

    Answer by Raine2001 at 2:45 PM on Sep. 6, 2010

  • exactly what the first poster stated.
    snivic

    Answer by snivic at 2:47 PM on Sep. 6, 2010

  • yes, just as the first poster stated ...
    (pssst .... you might like to know - she IS a therapist!)

    and no, it's not automatically "borderline personality disorder" ... it can be a symptom of many different disorders, but many many other factors have to be present in order for a person to be given that - or any other - diagnosis.
    findingharmony

    Answer by findingharmony at 2:59 PM on Sep. 6, 2010

  • lovesergei - thank you - that was lurking in my subconcious somewhere - i knew this was an avoidance tactic. do i just say "what do you mean?" i can't see me getting a clear answer from that. i appreciate you responding.

    yes, he does have a mental illness - he has severe anxiety (to the point where he was diagnosed bipolar, but after a little time that diagnosis seemed to be just slightly off) - i deal with this on a regular basis, and yes, patience and awarenes is necessary in order for me not to be crazy. as for whether bipolar or BPD or whatever... the label doesn't really help so much as knowing how to respond to his specific actions. he is who he is... sometimes very hard to deal with and often quite wonderful. i'm just trying to remember the tools i was given before to diffuse certain situations rather than make them worse, for my own sanity...

    i am struggling with various ways of him avoiding recently...
    figaro8895

    Comment by figaro8895 (original poster) at 7:18 PM on Sep. 6, 2010

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