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I really need help giving my friend advice!!

She is married with 1 child, also having to raise his other 2 kids from a previous marraige. She is having a REALLY hard time dealing with the situation. The boys on a daily basis give her a hard time because she is not their mother (their mother refuses to be a mother bouncing from house to house & doesnt want to get a job). Everyday is a constant battle for her. Homework time, dinner, bath and bedtime and everything in between. The boys are failing in school and she doesnt know what to do. They are rude & ungrateful to her,mouthy and disrespectful & when she tells her husband she cant do this anymore and she feels like she is drowning all he has to say is "I'm sorry you feel that way." She thinks he doesnt care. She is planning on leaving him, but doesnt want to... She just wants him to understand what she is going through and help her. She wants her daughter to have both mother and her father in the home. Any suggestions?

 
SWEETPEAS3MOM

Asked by SWEETPEAS3MOM at 2:36 PM on Sep. 6, 2010 in Relationships

Level 20 (8,512 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (13)
  • I think they should all sit down together the whole family and establish some rules. If the kids are going to be in their home they need to abide by their rules. No disrespect or they will be punished. Their father has to enforce the rules otherwise the kids will continue to walk all over her. And she has to learn to be stern. She is probably is trying to be nice and sweet with the kids because she thinks it's hard for them but she has to decide if she wants to hurt at the end of the day.
    Keyonsmom

    Answer by Keyonsmom at 2:43 PM on Sep. 6, 2010

  • She needs to parent his children if she's going to be in that role. That includes requiring certain behaviors and enforcing consequences when the children don't comply. If misbehavior occurs at dinnertime, send them from the table. If misbehavior occurs at bedtime, send them to bed an hour earlier the next night. If they're doing poorly at school, no activities until homework is completed and checked. It's a lot of work, but the sooner she gets the rules and consequences established, the sooner things will begin to straighten out.
    yoliplus6

    Answer by yoliplus6 at 2:40 PM on Sep. 6, 2010

  • He needs to take control of his sons!!!!!
    dancer

    Answer by dancer at 2:39 PM on Sep. 6, 2010

  • I think maybe she should try and write down everything she is feeling, and write down what she thinks the problems are with the other kids.... that way she can make sure she has actually made it a point to let her husband know everything...

    Also, I am not sure what you meant by the bio mom ( bouncing house to house ) does that mean she doesnt take care of them or is she still in their life ? If she is still in their life, then i think she should be in charge of dealing with the homework or school buisness and stuff..... and either way ( if they are living with your friend or not ) she needs to have a discipline plan ( with her husband) there is no way getting around that...
    AmericanaQueen

    Answer by AmericanaQueen at 2:40 PM on Sep. 6, 2010

  • Her husband needs to be on the same page AND BACK HER UP. Dr Phil said the other day that unless the step parent is in the home by the age of 3-5 to parent a child then the biological parent has to be the one to be the diciplinarian (sp?).
    CABlonde

    Answer by CABlonde at 2:40 PM on Sep. 6, 2010

  • it sounds like he needs to take some time off of work to work, rearrange his schedule or devote more time on his days off with his children on discipline. If their Mother was not stable in providing a home for them, she may not have been stable in instilling proper discipline, manners in them and now that he has taken over this responsibility he is not there to actually enforce it, and placing it solely on their now Step Mother to do so is not working. They need their Father there to lay down the rules full force, so they will know to respect their Stepmom

    virginiamama71

    Answer by virginiamama71 at 2:48 PM on Sep. 6, 2010

  • BTW the boys are 10 and 11. He works 2nd shift so he's not there to see what happens...She said that he has talked to the boys about their behavior but isn't there to enforce it.
    SWEETPEAS3MOM

    Comment by SWEETPEAS3MOM (original poster) at 2:42 PM on Sep. 6, 2010

  • Did he marry her so he would not have to take care of the kids? just wondering..she needs to stand up to him and tell him to step up to the plate and help her to take care of his kids, she needs to tell him what she feels and what she wants in return. And to tell him if he does not step up to the plate she will leave him alone with his own kids to raise. sounds like his is just checked out and has little coping skills to be a parent
    togo90210

    Answer by togo90210 at 2:43 PM on Sep. 6, 2010

  • He took custody of the boys b/c the bio mom was moving around couldnt seem to stay in one house long and no she wasnt taking care of them.
    SWEETPEAS3MOM

    Comment by SWEETPEAS3MOM (original poster) at 2:44 PM on Sep. 6, 2010

  • He's working, so she's in the position of handling those activities. She's going to have to do it with authority and punish disobedience - or else she can expect to have those boys walking all over her endlessly.
    snivic

    Answer by snivic at 2:52 PM on Sep. 6, 2010

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