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What do you do to try and establish a relationship with a stepkid who is preteen and is disagreeable over everything you try to do not to mention he plays his parents and causes chaos and then tries to blame you and say that you hate him when in reality you are resentful of his behavior?

relationships with stepkids, difficult blending of families, older stepsons, disagreeable kids

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 7:52 PM on Oct. 13, 2008 in General Parenting

Answers (6)
  • You have to stop showing him your resentment. You probably think he can't tell, but he can. Do you really want a relationship with him? Because it sounds like you don't necessarily. If you do you need to just hang out with him, take him out to lunch, do things with him that he likes to do. Even if he is ungrateful at first, which more than likely he will be, keep doing it. You have to earn his trust and the only way you will do that is by just being a friend, not being his mother. He'll resent you even more if you try to do that.
    feesharose

    Answer by feesharose at 8:19 PM on Oct. 13, 2008

  • Awww you are right it is so hard especially when he rifles thru my things, breaks things, yells at his dad, spreads rumors at school about my son and meanwhile I cannot say a thing to him. I have to try harder, thanks for your honest input.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:25 PM on Oct. 13, 2008

  • Another relavant thing that is making this so difficult is that his own mother called my hubby today to inform him that their son was going to have to live with us fulltime because she can't handle him. It is best for him to be with his Dad fulltime I just don't believe she'll step back and stay out she's real good at lip service. Ironically according to her he hates me and she has fostered this behavior and now I'm just suppose to sit back and not say anything till he gets his son undercontrol, I'm not confident this is going to happen. I am praying to God to help me with this and your advice I'm going to try my best to follow, ughh sometimes I just want to scream especially when I'm being accused of being mean and trust me if I was going to be mean he'd know it.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:30 PM on Oct. 13, 2008

  • Yes that is something I did that I failed to mention in my other answer. I was the one who picked up my stepdaughter AND took her home.I used this time to get to know her, to listen to her problems, to talk to her , took her shopping and out to dinner with me. I spent the time with her that her mom didn't have for her. I helped raise her from the time she was 11 until she married at age 19. While all this was happening, her brother would drive out in his mom's car, visit his dad and try to talk dad into going back with his mom(behind my back, of course.)Even when I found out about this, I didn't freak out on him, just kept on being sweet and nice to him waiting on him, serving him food and drink, discussing his career choices with him, his girlfriend, etc.He finally decided that he loves me, and that his dad made the right choice. Was it easy?? NO WAY!! But it all came out just fine in the end--hang in there!!
    Aprilmorgans

    Answer by Aprilmorgans at 8:46 PM on Oct. 13, 2008

  • You can't take anything the step kids do or say personally. This age is hard for steps, they don't feel a step parent is a parent, they may even resent you for taking their mother's place. Whatever the situation, you have to back off, try coming at them as a friend, and not a parent. Let them know you care about them and that your there if they ever need to talk. You have to listen as a friend, not judging them. Just hang in there, this age is hard but it will pass.
    robinann5

    Answer by robinann5 at 12:01 AM on Oct. 14, 2008

  • Thank You all for your answers, I have decided to do all of the above as I do not want this young man to grow up thinking I hated him and he was not welcome. I just discovered that his Mother was using going to his Dad's house as a punishment, you know the old if you don't I'll make you live at your Dad's fulltime and he's much harder on you than I am. Which is utter BS my hubby loves his boys and his exwife is horrible for these kids she is teaching them to be disrespectful and spoiled she tells my hubby she's on board with a punishment and even last night his son told him to shut up his mom wasn't going to follow thru with that punishment, which is the truth she won't. But no matter what I will be nice and respectful to him I will do things for him and I will remain warm and if he desires to establish a friendship with me I will be there for him. Thanks, Ladies
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:12 PM on Oct. 15, 2008

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