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4 Bumps

Meeting birth parents.....

I was adopted at the age of 3and as I grew up I always wanted to know who my parents were. I am now 26 and I have met my birth parents and I wish I never had. I think that putting me up for adoption on their half was a good thing but, when I first was hangin gout getting to my mother she was always comparing me and my daughters. I never wanted to say anything but I always thought to myself "You gave me up for adoption how would you know what I was like when I was little. You weren't there for me." What do you think? I cut off tyes wth her now casue she was just acting to childish and seemed to want an instant family now that she has met me and my husband and kids. Do you think it was right for me to do so? Would you do the same thing if they thought they knew you after all this time?

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mommyjones

Asked by mommyjones at 6:38 AM on Sep. 7, 2010 in Adoption

Level 5 (84 Credits)
Answers (9)
  • It would be strange for someone to do that. Sounds like she's desperate for a family and will take one any way she can get it.
    colethky

    Answer by colethky at 7:50 AM on Sep. 7, 2010

  • I was adopted at 4 (bad situation, back and forth between foster and bio, etc.), When I was younger it was a BIG deal to me to try and find the bio parents, I tried, I made phone calls to people with the same names, never actually found either parent until Facebook,lol. So I talked to my bio mom via facebook for maybe a week and it was wierd. The first day I was on an adreneline rush from it but then
    I realized in short order that she is still the exact same person she used to be and I had grown past the need to know her. It was after that that I got pregnant and I wondered if I should let her know, well, I decided that she gave up that right a long time ago and have never told her anything about my DD. I think your reaction is perfectly justified. I would have reacted the same way. IMO there is enough of a legacy left behind in the effect it has on my parenting style and and the doubling of FTM fears.
    MilkingMomma

    Answer by MilkingMomma at 11:08 AM on Sep. 7, 2010

  • BTW, I really want to know how old your girls are and how you broached the subject of your adoption with them. My DD is only 3mo 3wks so I have a little while, lol, but this is an issue that DH can't understand so I would appreciiate some outside perspective.
    MilkingMomma

    Answer by MilkingMomma at 11:11 AM on Sep. 7, 2010

  • Well they are 4 and 5 and I havn't really gotten around to tell them yet. I know it will be difficult to explain it to them when they get to the right age. I know when it came to telling my younger sister when I think she was about 7 or 8. I don't really remember how my mother told her, but I do know she asked a few questions, which I think will happen when we tell our kids about being adopted!
    mommyjones

    Comment by mommyjones (original poster) at 11:27 AM on Sep. 7, 2010

  • Yep, I guess we get to cross that bridge when we get there, I know my adoptive mom was 100% honest with me, even on the scary parts, but I think with DD I will be 100% honest yet I won't volunteer extra information.
    MilkingMomma

    Answer by MilkingMomma at 12:04 PM on Sep. 7, 2010

  • When you were adopted you didn't get a vote. Your life was decided by your birth parents and your adoptive parents. As the adoptee you get to call the shots of the reunion. It's your time to have the control, so you have every right to cut ties with her if that's want you want.


    But please be kind. You were the one who initiated contact (did I infer that right?) let her down gently. As a reunited birth mother my biggest fear in life is losing my son for a second time. At first it was paralyzing and only after 4 years I've become to trust that he's not going anywhere. It would destroy me if he told me he didn't want me in his life anymore.


    As far as being childish, it's an extremely common and well documented phenomena for birth mothers to mentally revert to the age they were at relinquishment when the reunite with their adoptee children. Strange but true.

    onethentwins

    Answer by onethentwins at 12:46 PM on Sep. 7, 2010

  • I must agree 100% with OTT, on this:) As the person who was adopted, you have EVERY single right to withdraw from the relationship, it is about YOU, not her. You chose to seek her out, and it was not a comfortable relationship for you NOW. However in time this too may change. As a Mother who surrendered twin sons, not by my choosing, it would be devastating to have them find me, only to have them withdraw without knowing the 'whys". Please consider writing and letting her KNOW how you feel. It is for your benefit as well as any siblings you have to be honest. I am a firm believer in honesty from the get go, with all involved, especially children, my own and others. Age appropriation of course1 If we wish to 'teach" our children honesty, truth, and respect...it must be given as well. I hope you find a 'peace" within you that will be forever, Blessings to you, CJ
    ceejay1

    Answer by ceejay1 at 10:33 AM on Sep. 8, 2010

  • I've met my birth"mother" and honestly have no use for her. She's a liar, an alcoholic, druggie and only cares about who she can screw to pay her bills (thats soooo no an exaggeration). She was the same way when i was taken (adopted @15 months). My sister and brother were taken too because she allowed them to be sexually abused by their father, even facilitated it. So yeah, I think you have every right to cut ties as an adult if you feel its warranted.
    hobbitswife04

    Answer by hobbitswife04 at 11:12 PM on Sep. 10, 2010

  • gl
    mekarevell

    Answer by mekarevell at 12:53 AM on Oct. 12, 2010

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