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5 Bumps

what's wrong with this sort of thinking?

I have made the decision to place my unborn child for adoption and am talking to a family. My friend (who has 4 kids she can't afford) loves to tell me how she could never do that, how I'll regret it for the rest of my life, etc etc etc. I told her it wasn't hard, because I didn't see this second baby as "my child" but instead as someone else's child who I am taking care of until birth (kind of like a landlord). She says that's a messed up way to think, I think it's perfectly accurate. Anything wrong with this? I don't feel the same way with this pregnancy as I did with my daughter, I felt like she was mine from the very beginning.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 4:06 PM on Sep. 8, 2010 in Adoption

Answers (33)
  • no, if you feel like you can't care for this child they way he/she deserves then letting someone else do it is the right thing to do.
    I'm sure you have your reasons and its way better than choosing to abort the baby in my opinion
    elizabiza

    Answer by elizabiza at 4:09 PM on Sep. 8, 2010

  • If you don't feel this is a child you can care for, nurture and love like you do your daughter, then at least you are doing a wonderful ting and giving the child a chance at life and a happy life with a loving family! :) I don't see anything wrong with how you feel. :) I imagine that's about what a surrogate would feel like. :)
    Memigen

    Answer by Memigen at 4:20 PM on Sep. 8, 2010

  • There is no wrong way to feel or think. Our feelings just ARE and you can't control them. I DO think however that maybe that is your mind's way of protecting yourself from the heartbreaking decision you have to make. This baby IS yours and once you give it up, a peice of you will be out there in the world somewhere. I am worried that you will regret it later because you are not being honest with yourself now. But only you know what is best and how you could/couldnt work out raising another child. The bottom line is, if you can't do anything more to provide this child with everything he/she needs, then placing it up for adoption is the right decision.
    jenellemarie

    Answer by jenellemarie at 4:23 PM on Sep. 8, 2010

  • So,in her mind, your thinking is wrong because you want your child to have a loving, supportive family where she is wanted?

    Wow, then every (good) parent's thinking must be wildly out there.
    geminilove

    Answer by geminilove at 4:26 PM on Sep. 8, 2010

  • I think it is a wonderful thing that you are doing. I do not think there is anything wrong with it and you are the only person who can make this decision. Don't let someone else make you feel bad or like you are doing something wrong if you believe that you are doing the correct thing.

    I wish you the best of luck!
    cornflakegirl3

    Answer by cornflakegirl3 at 4:29 PM on Sep. 8, 2010

  • I agree to jenellemarie, our feelings are our own and there is no wrong or right way to feel. I worry that you could possibly be feeling this way to detach, I was similar before I placed my son, once he was born it was entirely different. I didn't want to place him but felt obligated with no options at that point. Over time while I accept it and felt good about the decision to give my child more than I could provide (and not in the love department) my feelings changed, and there is regret and there is shame and there is an overwhelming feeling of loss I live with every day. I feel as though a piece of my soul has been ripped out and missing forever, I know it sounds dramatic but its how I feel, I cope, I'm happy, have a great family, but always feel a piece missing.
    Every one is different and as jenelle said you have to do what you think is best for your child, feeling in heart and mind what you believe is right. .
    blessedwboysx3

    Answer by blessedwboysx3 at 5:02 PM on Sep. 8, 2010

  • I am both adopted and an adoptive mom.
    I was adopted out of the foster care system, after several years of abuse from my birth mother.
    My children (bio-siblings) were adopted out of the foster care system, after several years of abuse and neglect by their bio mother.

    What is wrong with her thinking? EVERYTHING.
    What is wrong with your thinking? Your view that you are the caretaker of a little life, your desire to seek the best for that life, your generosity in gifting another family with a child to love? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING

    I would rather see 1,000,000 children go directly into adoptive homes than to see them suffer at the hands of bio-parents who never really felt connected to them.
    justnancyb

    Answer by justnancyb at 5:41 PM on Sep. 8, 2010

  • Well, while I agree to your right for an adoption plan, to your personal reasoning - I do see the landlord comment as very difficult. 1) an adoptee doesn't nessarily want to think of the woman who gave her life as the "landlord". At least I would venture to guess. And ascan adoptive mother myself, I would not call any woman a landlord. That would suggest you are charging for room and board. Basically, selling a child. I don't think any woman who makes an adoption plan sets out to purposely get pregnant and then sell their child. It sounds like you are in a difficult situation and this makes the most sense for your existing child and you. I can also understand your mental resolve that this child is not your child. Particularly if you have chosen her family. I am sorry your friend is not supportive. Adoption is a normal way to expand a family. So too is it normal to provide your child with a loving home - even
    frogdawg

    Answer by frogdawg at 7:45 PM on Sep. 8, 2010

  • your feelings are not wrong. Best wishes.
    Roadfamily6now

    Answer by Roadfamily6now at 9:00 PM on Sep. 8, 2010

  • if that home is not with you. You provide for each child what you think you can manage at this time. If you have reason to believe that at this time it is in the best interest of you, this child, and your other to child to consider placing your unborn child with another family - then no one can really truly be in judgement. People will judge but it doesn't mean they are right to.

    frogdawg

    Answer by frogdawg at 9:15 PM on Sep. 8, 2010

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