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Am I doing the right thing?

My older children have a different father than my younger two. My DH wants to adopt the older kids and they too want to be adopted. Now my older children haven't seen their BD for 8 yrs and only spoke to him a handful of times on the phone. My oldest remembers the abuse but my middle doesn't. My ex has been calling about 4 or 5 times a week lately. He has agreed to sign away rights to my DH, but at the same time he is making promises to our DD. We live worlds away from each other and I dont want him to see the kids but phone calls are not a problem. We actually have a protective order because he tried to kill all of us during a bi-polar episode 8 yrs ago. I do not want to discourage a relationship between my DD and BD, but I dont want her to be hurt either. I also dont want to keep her from him for fear that she will blame me down the road for the lack of her BD. Should I cut down on the contact or what? Just want it to work.

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2and2onway

Asked by 2and2onway at 1:17 PM on Sep. 9, 2010 in General Parenting

Level 10 (424 Credits)
Answers (6)
  • Do what you feel is right in your heart. Pray about it. If he's willing to let them go for their safety but still wants to talk to them, I'd do that. As long as he doesn't talk crazy to them.
    dragonlady320

    Answer by dragonlady320 at 1:21 PM on Sep. 9, 2010

  • I would monitor the exposure that she has with him. Yes, he is her BD, but if it's even remotely possible that he could have another episode you want to know before your DD is traumatized.

    scout_mom

    Answer by scout_mom at 1:24 PM on Sep. 9, 2010

  • He just makes promises that i know he cannot fulfill. I tell my DD who is 9 that he means well and that maybe he forgot to mail a card or he forgot it was a certain day. How much do I cover for him?
    2and2onway

    Comment by 2and2onway (original poster) at 1:25 PM on Sep. 9, 2010

  • i'd cut the contact after getting the papers signed. You don't want him backing out of it just to make you mad. And if it was a abusive relationship, then the kids really don't need to be around him. I'm cut the contact with my ex long ago and my son doesn't even ask for him anymore. I think it'd be much better for your kids to not talk to him.
    jolee0222

    Answer by jolee0222 at 1:27 PM on Sep. 9, 2010

  • I think it's great that he's willing to give his rights to your DH, so that he can adopt them. However, I wouldn't encourage a relationship outside of phone calls between your DD and BD. I think it's important for her to know he isn't mentally healthy. Regardless if he's bi-polar or otherwise he tried to kill you guys, so it's important that you keep him away. I personally wouldn't allow my children to be in contact with someone who physically harmed them. Even if he just harmed me, I wouldn't let my children have anything to do with him. Your middle daughter may not understand, but it's important for her to know why you feel the way you do. Do what you think is right for yourself and your children. Know that in the end it's the right choice and she'll come around.
    JazzlikeMraz

    Answer by JazzlikeMraz at 1:30 PM on Sep. 9, 2010

  • We live in 2 diff states and have not seen each other since 12/18/02
    2and2onway

    Comment by 2and2onway (original poster) at 1:31 PM on Sep. 9, 2010

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