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He's not Dad;how young is to young?

it's a mess! because of curcomstances I have recently taken custody of grandkids,little man 5 his sister 3.mom got pregnant while in collage and several yrs.later met her husband.not even 2weeks into the relationship grandson started calling him dad.I believe he was almost 2 when this happened.their relationship has been on the rocks since they started ending 3mos.ago in seperation.because of certain events I took emergancy custody of both.both parents have visitation and I allow grandson to go simply cause this is the only father he's know.his bio.has never been in picture.some tell me I need to seperate them now so grandson is not hurt later.he's a smart little fellow and does understand mom n dad will never be together again and has no problem with the fact he lives w/nana.he enjoys visiting but doesn't always stay the whole time.so how young is too young to tell them?

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ms.mary

Asked by ms.mary at 3:14 PM on Sep. 9, 2010 in Relationships

Level 5 (78 Credits)
Answers (10)
  • Ouch.. So sorry about this situation. I think honest from the start but wait until he starts asking..
    maxsmom11807

    Answer by maxsmom11807 at 3:15 PM on Sep. 9, 2010

  • if the new father thinks of him as his son and is willing to visit with him n be part of his life, i wouldn't tell him until he was older close to his 18 birthday.
    melody77

    Answer by melody77 at 3:17 PM on Sep. 9, 2010

  • they been 2gether since 2007,but since all this has happened I c a change in how sil treats him.the grand-daughter is his .little man has seen a change too and has asked once or twice why "dad"treats them different.I havmentioned he's not dad and little man stopped calling him dad in the last month.
    ms.mary

    Comment by ms.mary (original poster) at 3:21 PM on Sep. 9, 2010

  • sorry bout the writting fingers get faster then my thinking.
    ms.mary

    Comment by ms.mary (original poster) at 3:22 PM on Sep. 9, 2010

  • I would say total honesty. He'll be much more resentful if he finds out later. My oldest brother is a half brother (by a different father.) He found out when he was 8 (our aunt told him) and he resented my parents for not telling him, he was angry at his bio father, and anger turned into disruptive behavior in school, and illegal activity as a young adult. I truly feel that the circumstances around him finding out played a role. Either my parents should have told him from the get-go, so it wasn't a shock, or made sure my aunt would never tell him. My father always loved him just as much as the rest of us. Or acted like it anyway.
    BisketLiss

    Answer by BisketLiss at 3:24 PM on Sep. 9, 2010

  • that's how I feel,little man and I have been closer then normal since the day he was born and I'm affraid I'm the one he'll resent for not telling him.........he trust me I'm the one he's always run too when things have been topsy turving I don't want to c him hurt anymore then he already is.
    ms.mary

    Comment by ms.mary (original poster) at 3:27 PM on Sep. 9, 2010

  • this happened to my bosses son when his wife divorced him and wifes family just blurted out one day that he is not your real father. tey did it when talking crap about my boss and how he shouldn't have the right to see him. bitter family and bitter wife. this hurt him a lot. which really sucks cause his not bio dad is still in his life and still loves him as his own. i really don't think it's a matter of when really as it is how you say it. i just think when they are older and understand how this happens it makes it easier for them to process the info. when they are so young they just take what you say (not dad, accept blindly) but later realize one day that hey they said this so this means that or this. so that is why i suggested later in age but if he is being an a hole then maybe he needs a talking to about his behavior towards this little man or tell him now. i would wait until he was able to process the info, like 8.
    melody77

    Answer by melody77 at 3:39 PM on Sep. 9, 2010

  • If he's telling you that he's being treated differently, he knows something is wrong. I would be open and honest about this and let him know how calling his step father "dad" came about because it will eventually come out. He's five years old and can understand more than you think but you have to give it to him in a small dose and let him ask the questions and you give him the honest answers..good luck...
    treasured_hope

    Answer by treasured_hope at 5:11 PM on Sep. 9, 2010

  • yes he does understand more then he's given credit for and heard n seen more then they know! he has questioned for awhile why his last name was not the same has theirs and they used to tell him "dad" had to buy it,he's not adopted they never went through with it.and sil thought of him has his but once his daughter came along that changed and little man noticed that,him n I became even closer.that why I've questioned and struggled with this question.all the answer have been awesome and I Thank you all for them..........
    ms.mary

    Comment by ms.mary (original poster) at 9:56 PM on Sep. 9, 2010

  • I personally believe in honesty from the beg. how about letting him know that ____ is not his biological father although he can be a dad if he wants to and perhaps has been his dad...so _____ is not your biological dad (dad by blood) although he has been your dad by love (my ds's term for people he considers to be family although they may not be related biologically --- family by love)
    and maybe talk to ex son-in-law... does he NOT want to see ds anymore... maybe he's trying to distance himself BECAUSE he is afraid of ultimately losing him b/c he's not the bio dad... I mean if he was good to him b/f and now treating him differently perhaps HE is ALSO trying to distance himself to deal with the pain of prob. losing this child he has viewed as a son... KWIM
    MamiJaAyla

    Answer by MamiJaAyla at 6:53 PM on Sep. 12, 2010

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