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4 Bumps

How do I get over this?

I was with a guy for 4 months..thought he was going to be the one....sounds rushed, but we spent soo much time together during those months, it felt like we were together a lot longer. I fell in love and in not so many words, I knew he felt the same way. All of a sudden things changed, literally over night. We weren't close anymore he stopped texting as much and we would start to fight over things. I thought after talking we were going to get better again, but he was possibly having to move for a job so he thought we should break up so it wouldnt hurt so bad if 3 months down the line he had to leave. we could still talk and hang out, just not be bf gf anymore til we knew more. that talk turned into hours b/c we werent sure what to do. at the end it got violent. he all of a suddent went from us talking rationally and calm, to him snapping and choking me. i pressed charges and it was over a month ago. Y am i not ovr it?

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 9:41 AM on Sep. 10, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (10)
  • its goin 2 take some time i had my experience with my ex i been seperated 4rm him 4 1 1/2 and still have problems letting go his abuse on me
    echokays

    Answer by echokays at 9:45 AM on Sep. 10, 2010

  • You miss the love you used to share.. you wish things had never changed, you want it back the way it was....it's normal to feel like that and ok to acknowledge it, and be sad about it.. ( I have my counselor filter in my head and I know this is what she'd say, lol) but don't let your mind linger there for long, this man is violent, he's not for you...look ahead, move forward, the love that's waiting for you is out there but you will never find it if you walk back into your x's arms..he's shown you who he is, violent men don't change, let go of that expectation. You will find arms to hold you and make you feel safe and loved..keep looking for the love you know you deserve, it's out there..let yourself imagine what it will look like, what traits you want in a man, kindness..? Intelligence.. sense of humor? Entertain wishful thinking..wishes do come true!
    chocolatluver

    Answer by chocolatluver at 9:57 AM on Sep. 10, 2010

  • "I knew he felt the same way" "I thought we would get better again" ... you wanted this relationship, in your mind you developed it into something more than it was, and he wasn't the man you thought he was and wanted him to be. You'd already invested your heart - it takes time to heal. It really wasn't all that long ago. Focus on moving forward, not on looking back.
    Gaccck

    Answer by Gaccck at 9:57 AM on Sep. 10, 2010

  • Good thing you discovered this side of him before you got married or, even worse, got pregnant by him. Thank God you were spared and move on.
    ceallaigh

    Answer by ceallaigh at 10:02 AM on Sep. 10, 2010

  • ***OP***

    It's just he seems to be moving on not hurt...why does he get to be happy while I'm still so miserable?? I'm embarassed im not over him...i know i NEED to be but i dont know HOW to be. Ive been trying...i feel like ill never move on. is it normal? b/c i feel like something is seriously wrong with me....i dont wanna go back to him either, i do miss how things were though. i have to face him in court and im absolutely terrified. i dont want to see that look in his eyes like he had that night it happened again. i feel bad though b/c i could have had it A LOT worse, im not trying to make it bigger than it really is...i just dont know what to do and i cant understand why it still hurts so bad? ive been thinking about it all day, dreaming about it, i dunno what else to do? No bashing please, it's just hard... :(
    Ness87

    Answer by Ness87 at 10:31 AM on Sep. 10, 2010

  • When something changes you are allowed to mourn what you had hoped for. It seems you had hoped for a future with this guy. It is that dream that you are sad about losing. Once you make peace with that you will be able to move on. Remind yourself that this wasn't the guy for you and that you are lucky to have found out early.

    When you think of him and dwell on the "what might have been"... shake yourself out of it by thinking of being choked and the terror you had that night. Your "dream' of what your future with him would have been really would have been a nightmare of physical abuse.

    Do some things for yourself, plant a tree or start a sewing project or new hobby, book. Something to get your mind in a new place.
    Niki_sd

    Answer by Niki_sd at 10:37 AM on Sep. 10, 2010

  • ***OP***

    Yeah it kills me to think of what he could have done to my son if they had met. He asked to meet him then less than a month later denied it. what an asshole! ugh! i try to think about him choking me so i realize it's for the best, like when my mind thinks about the good stuff....Im ashamed to say it, but somehow thinking of him hurting me that night isnt doing the trick....i feel like something is wrong with me b/c of that. i should be mad and happy that im away from him....but instead when i see him add new girls to his FB [we're not friends on there anymore, but his is public] it still hurts. Ive tried reading and pouring all of my energy into my son, but it's still there and i feel like im losing.
    Ness87

    Answer by Ness87 at 10:41 AM on Sep. 10, 2010

  • You are grieving. It is like a death of what you thought was going to be. What you thought the future was going to be like with him and the plans you made including him. I will take time and eventually it will effect you less. Stop looking at his FB. GL
    Caoimhe_Oona

    Answer by Caoimhe_Oona at 11:36 AM on Sep. 10, 2010

  • The girls on his FB page are just potential victims of his abuse, don't envy them that...? Try not to tell yourself what you 'should' and 'shouldn't' feel, that's a trap we set for ourselves that diminishes our self esteem because we aren't living up to our own standards..it's self defeating. Try not to beat yourself up for feeling sad, you're human, you have a heart..and most likely an attention span longer than his, he may seem happy but that's just because he's a bonehead who doesn't value love like you do. Give yourself time to grieve. I mourned the loss of an abusive asshole for over a year and a half, I understand what you're going through..I can promise you, it DOES get better..one day you will look back and wonder what on earth you were thinking to miss that pathetic excuse for a human being. And trust me you will count your blessings that it ended when it did. You have a chance to be happy now, be good to yourself.
    chocolatluver

    Answer by chocolatluver at 2:26 PM on Sep. 10, 2010

  • Thank you soo much for all of your kind words and help. It's nice to know I'm not alone, although I hate that some of you have gone through this too. I wish I had more friends I guess...a way to get out and meet more people...guys and girls. Having my son makes it kinda tough....and I rarely have a sitter anymore. Just feels like ill be alone and miserable forever :(
    Ness87

    Answer by Ness87 at 2:40 PM on Sep. 10, 2010

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