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When should kids meet their bio sibs (adopted)

My kids have 8 other adopted sibs out there - how old before I help them "find them"? Right now I tell them when everyone's 21, but just wondering if anyone had experience with this.

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Asked by Maureenmich at 11:48 AM on Sep. 11, 2010 in Adoption

Level 13 (978 Credits)
Answers (14)
  • Haven' t had experience with it but maybe let them find them if they want at the age of 18. Let them decide if they want to meet them or find them.

    Answer by mommy_of_two388 at 11:54 AM on Sep. 11, 2010

  • Te sooner the better! My mother stopped me from meeting my bio-father because she didn't see any reason for us to meet... I didn't find him until after he passed. I still have questions and could even have a sister out there - but I don't know. It took me quite some time to find my brother as well... If they want to find them, no one should hold them back. This is their flesh and blood, and any day can be to late... As someone who simply can't find her siblings and who has no chance of ever meeting her father because of his death, I URGE you to help them when they are ready. You may not be ready, and most likely never will be. But these are their siblings, their family, and no one should be kept from family!

    Answer by SabrinaMBowen at 12:03 PM on Sep. 11, 2010

  • Let them know they've got sibs out there. My step-son was half a continent away and we had little hope of ever seeing him, until his mom sent him over when she got fed-up with the teenage rebellion. we had one week's notice! My kids grew up knowing about their big brother, the one picture we had of him was up on the wall next to my kids, a picture of his mom is in our family photo album that everyone sees, to be identified often. no shock and immediate acceptance. Imagine having to explain how you hid a significant part of their lives from them. Adopted kids have enough questions about their value and lovability, be as honest and open as you can be. Parents might be a different issue, but sibs should be able to safely be friends or pen pals or FB type friends. you can still control how much contact they have if the others haven't been as well-placed.

    Answer by highestshelf at 12:38 PM on Sep. 11, 2010

  • sooner the better.

    Answer by onethentwins at 3:29 PM on Sep. 11, 2010

  • When they are asking to.

    Answer by maggiemom2000 at 5:52 PM on Sep. 11, 2010

  • Do you have contact with the parents of the siblings (the parents who are raising them)? How old are your children? My DD supposedly has a sister from her birth father, but she lives with her mom, whose name we don't know. We have never had contact with her birth father, so we have no clue how to find the sister (if she even has one). My DS has two older sisters, but his birth mom has not told anyone in the family about him. They didn't even know she was pregnant. We do know how to contact one of them, but we can't because it would violate his birth mom's trust. It is not our place to keep secrets or lie to him, so when he is quite a bit older (he is two), we will give him the information that we have if he wants it.

    My DH learned in his 40's that he had a sister. We found her, but they wish they could have known each other growing up. I say the sooner the better.

    Answer by Iamgr8teful at 8:41 PM on Sep. 11, 2010

  • Oh - my DD has an older brother that she does know, and has known from the time she was a baby. I am a big open adoption advocate (when it is a safe and healthy situation). PM me if you want info on that. I apologize in advance if I am a little slow to respond. I am a full-time nursing student with two little kids. I'll be glad to help if I can.

    Answer by Iamgr8teful at 8:43 PM on Sep. 11, 2010

  • Finding sibs will depend upon whether or not the adoption was open. Legally they will not be able to search records unil the age of 18-21 depending upon your state laws, but if the information is available you may contact anytime. My DH has to daughters from a previous relationship who were given up at birth, one was open and the other semi open. The girls are now 14 and 15, we were recently contacted by the 14 year old and able to find the 15 year old without searching records. Long story short the the two girls have been in contact but have not met in person and are happy to be able to chat with each other thru text.

    Answer by mamadaycare at 11:46 PM on Sep. 11, 2010

  • No offense but when your child turns 18 they can do it without you. Telling them until 21 is a bit of a stretch. What you mean is at 21 they would have your blessing but not before then. Really, in this age of technology they can be a tween and hook up with siblings. If they have friends who have computers (and who doesn't?) then they can begin their search. The real question is do you help them or not? The earlier the better. My son is three and if his siblings, through his birth mother, had any interest in connecting with my child then I would assess if it was the right time or not. And by right time I mostly mean as long as that sibling is mentally/emotionally healthy and appropriate - absolutely. It would be my job to facilitate at first but later they could continue. It all would be played by ear. But in my opinion: the sooner the better. As long as it does not jepordize us as his parents.


    Answer by frogdawg at 3:18 PM on Sep. 12, 2010

  • MY DS 100% bio sibling lives with his bio grandmother (45) and her other adopted children. I have had an open relationship with grandma since day one because I feel it is important that he knows and forms a great relationship with his brother. He is only 2 1/2 and talks about his brother constantly and looks forward to the days we play.

    I guess I would introduce ASAP. Have your children ALWAYS known they're adopted?

    Answer by coolchic320 at 7:22 PM on Sep. 12, 2010

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