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Does anyone know any opening funny jokes that are clean enough to tell in church?

Please include the answer or punch line.


Asked by JOCKEYP2PMOM at 2:36 PM on Sep. 11, 2010 in Entertainment

Level 14 (1,782 Credits)
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Answers (7)
  • Ummm....the only one I know that's clean is kinda cheesy, but here it goes.

    Why do they call birds that fly over the sea seaguls?

    Because if they flew over the bay they'd be called bay-guls. (Ba-dum-bum!)

    Answer by GinNTonic at 2:43 PM on Sep. 11, 2010

  • ok, so this doesn't really answer your question, but it reminded me of something funny that I had to share...I remember hearing pam tillis talking about her childhood....she and her parents were real church-goers....and in front of the whole congregation on microphone the minister introduced her to sing and he told her what a pretty dress she was wearing and she said "thanks, but my mama says it's a b**ch to iron." lol yikes !

    what's the topic you'll be talking about that you want to open with a joke ?

    Answer by FXmomTo3 at 2:54 PM on Sep. 11, 2010

  • Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"

    The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

    The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did it!"


    Answer by FXmomTo3 at 3:00 PM on Sep. 11, 2010

  • A man was about to sit down to dinner when he heard a knock on the door. He opened it but no one was there. He looked down and saw this snail sitting on the front mat. So he kicked it and sent it flying out into the front yard. Two weeks later around the same time of day he heard another knock on his door. Again he opened it to find no one. Looking down he was surprised to see the snail again sitting on his mat. The snail looked up at him and said "Whoa, buddy, what was that about?"

    The Pastor of a local Baptist Church was upset to learn that one of his flock had recently fallen off the wagon. That Sunday he became very emotional crying out to his congregations "If it was up to me I would take every ounce of rum, vodka, whiskey and every other form of strong drink and throw it all into that river at the edge of town. Now, brothers and sisters, please join me in singing our next hymn "Shall we gather at the river".

    Answer by L.A.F.outloud at 8:31 PM on Sep. 11, 2010

  • Ok this is one of my daughter's favorite jokes,
    What did 0 say to 8?
    NICE BELT!!!! and then she laughs for like an hour:)

    Answer by Luuckymommy at 8:34 PM on Sep. 11, 2010

  • oooh, i just found this one online...
    Where is God?
    A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.

    They boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

    The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?".

    They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" ......continued below.....

    Answer by FXmomTo3 at 3:00 PM on Sep. 11, 2010

  • An amphibian walks into a bank and asks to see the loan officer, Ms. Whack. He explains to her that he'd like to open a loan to expand his lily pad. Ms. Whack replies that she will need him to provide some collateral for the loan.

    The amphibian reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny porcelain statue of a milkmaid, which he hands to Ms. Whack.

    Bewildered, the loan officer says she will need to talk to the bank manager to get the loan approved.

    In his office, Ms. Whack tells the manager what she has seen in her office and places the statue on his desk, asking, "What is this, anyway, sir?"

    The bank manager looks up, "It's a knick knack, Patty Whack. Give the frog his loan."

    Answer by geminilove at 12:06 PM on Sep. 13, 2010