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5 Bumps

I have been asked to intervene and I am not sure how to do it...

A friend of mine is a single mom with 3 girls 15, 12, & 8. The father is no where to be found. The problem is her oldest daughter, she has been cutting herself, throwing up a lot, and she is sexually active! My friend has been told about the cutting and she allows the boyfriend to stay over. The daughter has asked her to tell her NO, to be a MOM to her. This young girl is in desperate need of a mother. To make it worse, my friend is a hoarder seriously, like I have seen on tv. Recently they hauled at least a dozen pick truck loads to the dump and a few more to goodwill to donate. All 3 of her kids deserve more. I have been asked by my friends sister to talk to her. I have also been asked by our church leader to talk with her. My dilemma is, yes she is a friend but a fairly new one. I have only known her for a little over a year. She is a terrible mother, and I need to or have been asked to nicely talk to her about it all.

 
Noosa

Asked by Noosa at 3:02 AM on Sep. 12, 2010 in Teens (13-17)

Level 20 (8,483 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (21)
  • The reason you were chosen is because if she screams, insults you, or gets upset.....you are not so emotionally involved. You said
    she was not a close friend. Think of it this way...you are not helping just her, but those children. That would be the best incentive in the world for me. You obviously feel uncomfortable and I don't think one individual can do this job or her own family would be able to step in.
    Arm yourself with a few other friends or church members and invite her to a luncheon in a non public place. Prepare your team for
    whatever reaction she may have when you begin to intervene. Also, you could invite a trained counselor to this luncheon and not tell her. It is obvious she needs help and not just in the MOM department, but in living her life. Good Luck!
    JOCKEYP2PMOM

    Answer by JOCKEYP2PMOM at 3:36 AM on Sep. 12, 2010

  • I would maybe ask her if she needs help with anything. Maybe she's depressed and really doesn't know what to do right now, and she's scared to ask anyone for help. I'm sorry I don't have any advice for you other that that, I hope you get everything figured out soon.
    jojolicious220

    Answer by jojolicious220 at 3:15 AM on Sep. 12, 2010

  • I really don't understand LindaClement's reaction to this. It sounds to me like you do care a lot and you want to help, you just don't know how. I also think there are times when you have to step in because it might save someone's life, but by doing so you also take the risk of offending someone. Without knowing you or this person, I don't know exactly what's the best way.... I'm a fan of being direct, but maybe she's too fragile. I wonder if a group intervention would help. Or maybe just being a friend/support to the 15-year-old girl. Sometimes just BEING a healthy person making your presence available in the home can help. Kids that age are confused and, growing up in a house like that, maybe the girl feels like she's going crazy. Just having your presence might help. I would say PRAY PRAY PRAY and see if God opens some doors. I would also recommend getting some books on shame. It sounds like she's suffering from it bad.
    Adelicious

    Answer by Adelicious at 3:50 AM on Sep. 12, 2010

  • She needs more help and she needs help from someone who can help her with her children as well the whole family needs help and the sooner the better.
    pinkdragon36

    Answer by pinkdragon36 at 4:17 AM on Sep. 12, 2010

  • I think more than talking to her, what this family really needs is a visit from social services. They are clearly in need of professional help.
    Dr.Donna

    Answer by Dr.Donna at 7:20 AM on Sep. 12, 2010

  • Imagine for a moment how this mom is going to take this... talking to.

    After she stops swinging and screaming, I suggest you'd be lucky getting away with a single enemy and a broken nose.

    Politely decline. If they all think talking at her is such a good idea, suggest they have at it.

    Not sure why you're friends with someone you clearly have no respect for, but if I were to add anything to that, I'd ask exactly how much benefit are you are, in helping to fill her need for supportive friends? You're taking up space in her life that would probably be better filled by someone... else. And I can't even begin to get my head around why you spend any of your time with this drama festival....
    LindaClement

    Answer by LindaClement at 3:33 AM on Sep. 12, 2010

  • She may need help but these children need someone to step in and take care of this and get there mother the help that she is in need of. This older daughter needs some help also i am talking you need to get a few professionals to come a long and help you out with this family. This mother has givin up on everything and everyone and if nothing else these girls need to have someone to lean on. Well i think that going there would be a great idea and have someone get them children out of there first and explain to them what is going on and what may or may not happen. NO ONE CAN CHANGE ANYONE, Is there any family members that could take these children for a few weeks so there mother can get the house back in order and get on her feet for one and for all. This doesn't sound like it is gonna be easy or fun by anymeans so keep strong and keep your head held high, everything will workout in the end.
    raemommy

    Answer by raemommy at 3:51 AM on Sep. 12, 2010

  • These tapes have been really eye-opening for me lately. I know there's a book, too. Maybe if you listen/read it and understand, it will give you insight in how to approach her, or even to share it with her. Healing the Shame that Binds You

    Adelicious

    Answer by Adelicious at 3:56 AM on Sep. 12, 2010

  • maybe all she needs is someone to talk to her. she won't listen to family thats no surprise, but coming from an outside source, maybe she justs needs a friend to listen. just ask to talk and use a third person like ask her for her advice and then explain everything you just said and say it's a friend. see what she says and how she reacts. she might thank you instead of hitting.
    noel1978

    Answer by noel1978 at 6:22 AM on Sep. 12, 2010

  • I see Linda Clements POV
    You need to have some sort of objective when you approach this woman. She isn't going to get her kids taken away from her as other suggested, she isn't going to take it well that others have been talking behind her back, so before you talk to her have some sort of solution in mind or you'll get no where.
    DomoniqueWS

    Answer by DomoniqueWS at 3:57 AM on Sep. 12, 2010