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2 Bumps

Need advice re:husband, friends, and marriage therapy

So we are in therapy. Yesterday we had to share our "Dream Marriage Vision". We got through sex life, finances, careers without a hitch. Then we get to friends. I'm not at a place where I feel loved enough or ok with him running off with his friends whenever he wants. But our therapist says I not only need to let it happen but I have to be HAPPY about it! And welcome him when he gets home.
This put me in tears and I have been an anxious wreck since we left therapy. I don't want to add that b.s. to my "dream vision". It's not my dream! What the heck do i do?
I guess on a side note do your husband's have this 'need' to go hang with the guys? I'm feeling awful right now.

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 8:33 AM on Sep. 12, 2010 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (13)
  • wow what a counselor... guilt trip to boot! umm time for a new counselor? making u feel bad like that.... if husband and i were having marital troubles last thing i would want for him to be doing is going out all the time with the guys. How can u fix a marriage if he isn't there with u,... i'd say. ? Husband and wife should be friends... best friends in my book. my hubby doesn't go out with his friends hardly at all cause me and him want to hang with each other all the time... lol no we aren't newly weds... 18 years married here. and we still enjoy being around each other and doing things together and while i sit here at cafemom he is currently on ebay lol

    i wish u all the best in the world and tons of hugs to you
    Mariejen

    Answer by Mariejen at 9:30 AM on Sep. 12, 2010

  • Personally I'd find a new therapist. I've been through marriage counseling and our counselor NEVER said anything like this. He taught us about respect for each other and that if something is really upsetting to one person you have to work out a compromise or just simply not do it. It's what adults who love each other do for each other. I would have been pretty pissed off to be told HOW I should feel about something, like my feelings didn't count. That is not what therapy is for.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:39 AM on Sep. 12, 2010

  • I agree w/anon above. I've been through marriage counseling and that is unacceptable.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:43 AM on Sep. 12, 2010

  • I don't think he gave good advice at all. What if you was the one going off with your friends at all hours? I doubt he'd (hubby) be happy about that. He needs to man up and realize he chose to marry you and that alone entails a different life style. Not to say he can never go out, but he's a married man now and should be acting like one. Get a new therapist for sure.

    zbee

    Answer by zbee at 8:46 AM on Sep. 12, 2010

  • I'm sorry you're feeling so low. Maybe check out Marriage Encounter at ag.org. My DH and I went to one a few years ago. And no, my DH doesn't 'hang' with his friends.
    toobigfrogs

    Answer by toobigfrogs at 8:51 AM on Sep. 12, 2010

  • I'd look for a new therapist if DH is willing. It can take several attempts before finding the right match. But, you could also discuss exactly what you have said here with the therapist. Discuss why this approach bothers you and why is it his/her approach. I wish you all the best.
    elizabr

    Answer by elizabr at 8:57 AM on Sep. 12, 2010

  • We have been to counseling also and I would find me a different thearpist but now your dh has that in his mind what this therapist said.
    Yes my dh hangs with his friends and no I'm not at all happy about it it is one of our biggest arguements. He wants to live out here in this god for saken country and then he takes off with his friends all day to do what they like then comes home and falls asleep which is why our sex life has dwiddled down to nothing. I don't feel appreciated nor loved and I don't have friends to just go hang with guys seem to be able to do this much more easily then women, women want to hang at home do our home stuff and be with our dh's so the oppurtuninty ins't there as much us.
    I wish you luck and I hope you find your happy place
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:05 AM on Sep. 12, 2010

  • Yes, but don't you want to BE in a place where you feel loved enough to let him go out with his friends and be happy about it? I don't think your therapist wants you to just instantly be in that place, but the goal is to get there, right?
    Fistandantalus

    Answer by Fistandantalus at 8:48 AM on Sep. 12, 2010

  • Honestly, it sounds like that therapist is a sexist pig. Well, maybe not that far, but he's not a good therapist. He told you to grin and bear it, and that if you do that long enough, you will be ok with it. And that isn't true. Look, if something is going to cause a big argument between a couple, it's not worth doing. This therapist is enabling your hubby. He's not going to be happy about finding a new one because this one is on his side.
    My hubby likes to hang out with friends. At our last duty station he met some guys, they are much older then him (he's in his 30's, them 60's) but they get along great. They are all into hotrodding. Well, I understand that hubby NEEDS his time on the weekends. We didn't have a garage for him to piddle around in. He'd go to one of the guys garage. He could go all day Sat and Sunday. As long as he'd come home when I needed him. It's a thing called compromise. Your dh needs to learn it.
    Raine2001

    Answer by Raine2001 at 9:33 AM on Sep. 12, 2010

  • @fist. Yes, I do WANT to be in that place BUT if we allow it on the "Dream Vision" it has to immediately be in play. Like he if decided today he wanted to go out I'd have to smile and say "have a great time!". When that is NOT how I feel right now. We have only had 3 sessions. I need to feel great about US first then I can open up to other things.
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 8:51 AM on Sep. 12, 2010

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