Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

2 Bumps

my dh just turned 25 on wednesday

yesterday, i checked our email and she had written to remind him once again to service his car and even offered to come over and take his car to go get service FOR HIM!! he's 25!! we had planned on getting his car done today. how can i make my husband see that he is a grown ass man and needs to tell his mom that he can take care of his own car and doesn't need reminders??? how can i make him see that she is infantilizing him when she does stuff like this?? please help. i am beyond irritated and not wanting to fight with him. *note* this is a touchy subject for us already
thanks

Answer Question
 
pmg1030

Asked by pmg1030 at 6:03 AM on Sep. 13, 2010 in Relationships

Level 14 (1,514 Credits)
Answers (9)
  • oh geez, sorry just realized that i didn't specify. SHE is his MOM ugh
    pmg1030

    Comment by pmg1030 (original poster) at 6:04 AM on Sep. 13, 2010

  • Thats hard. Moma's boys and girls are hard to ween.

    The only thing that helped us (and it may not help you) is the fact that our jobs required us to moved far away from his parents. That distance made a huge difference. They were no longer able to be active in our daily lives and boy did things change. It still took some time (about 3 yrs) but he's very different now (DH) and sees things more clearly now and more mature. So in our case, what helped without having planned it, was moving too far away for them to visit and be involved too much.
    Zoeyis

    Answer by Zoeyis at 6:52 AM on Sep. 13, 2010

  • Oh but ya, getting yourself involved is gonna make him be defensive towards you if he's anything like mine was. BUt you have no real choice but to at least talk to him, just be diplomatic about it, cuz its a touchy area.
    Zoeyis

    Answer by Zoeyis at 6:53 AM on Sep. 13, 2010

  • Does she interfere in your relationship? Are you threatened somehow by their relationship? I understand being annoyed, at 25 he should be doing these things for himself - but really, what harm is it doing to you? Some moms stay very involved after their kids leave the nest, they love their kids and show their affection by trying to help make things easier for them. If she wants to remind him about getting his car serviced, does that hurt you in some way? Is there more to this? I'm 40, and my mom will call me to remind me that I need to go in for my annual gyno check up.
    Scuba

    Answer by Scuba at 8:58 AM on Sep. 13, 2010

  • Zoeyis - thanks for your answer. i am currently working on a plan to get us across the country. the really awesome thing is that he is on board and wants to move just as much as i do! we just hope we can both find jobs out there

    Scuba- yeah, there's so much more to it that it would take a very LONG story to explain it all. she has been a big problem with being intrusive in our daily lives and our relationship and business long before and i'm sick of it. but it really upsets me when she coddles him like that because if she keeps doing things for him, how is he ever going to learn to be responsible for himself? she needs to cut the apron strings. she doesn't need to remind him to pay his bills or go get his car serviced or tell me that he doesn't need to help with our wedding thank yous because it's the woman's job (which she did this while we lived with her) and he's got school to focus on.
    pmg1030

    Comment by pmg1030 (original poster) at 9:20 AM on Sep. 13, 2010

  • the problem is that she offered to COME OVER AND DO IT FOR HIM. that's not her place. just like it's not her place to decide if i'm doing the thank you's alone or not right after we got married. it's not her place to concern herself with OUR lives like that. it's not her place to bring over a whole bunch of food that we don't want or need that just gets rotten in the fridge and has to thrown out. it's a hassle. her behavior causing me to stress and it makes me physically ill because i do not want her involved in our daily lives. my parents aren't involved in our daily decisions and don't call me to offer to go service my car for me and remind me to pay my bills and get my car serviced. my parents don't concern themselves with our daily affairs because they know that we, AS A TEAM, will take care of it.
    pmg1030

    Comment by pmg1030 (original poster) at 9:25 AM on Sep. 13, 2010

  • I'd stay out of it. Eventualy he'll get sick of her or she'll stop. Not much you can do.
    bjane01

    Answer by bjane01 at 9:28 AM on Sep. 13, 2010

  • Being a mother myself, I know its hard to let go, keep quiet and turn your head on your children...but I also know when to let go and let my grown children live thier own lives...seems that the mom may have some controls issues and instead of you getting yourself upset with her, its really your husband who should let his mom know that he's a grown man...running to the other side of the country will not stop her involvement, maybe on a daily basis but she will keep in contact with him...
    mom2mybabes

    Answer by mom2mybabes at 12:13 PM on Sep. 13, 2010

  • well, that's not the only reason that we want to move but it is one of them. and i'm not discouraging a relationship with his mother at all. that's totally fine with me. he goes to lunch with her and visits with her. i just don't want her involved in our everyday lives like i'm married to her too. if we lived across the country she wouldn't be able to offer to come over and take his car to get it serviced because of the obvious reasons and when we have our first kid (finally) i don't want her to be able to offer to come over and change the diapers for him too. see what i'm sayin. she is enabling him and not helping him grow
    pmg1030

    Comment by pmg1030 (original poster) at 12:30 PM on Sep. 13, 2010

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.
close Join now to connect to
other members!
Connect with Facebook or Sign Up Using Email

Already Joined? LOG IN