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When would be an appropriate time to tell our oldest that he was adopted by his "step-dad"?

He has always been his dad and was adopted when he was 4 1/2. No one can tell he is not his and everyone just assumes that they are blood related.


Asked by kjbennett26 at 9:05 AM on Sep. 14, 2010 in Adoption

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Answers (8)
  • It would be easier to tell him and let him grow up knowing that than to spring it on him when he is a teen or older. At that point he will wonder what else you havent told him. How old is he? I know my 8 year old could understand that. I would just be hanging out talking and talk to him about how their are 2 ways people can be dads 1. by having part of them make up how you look 2. by caring for you and doing stuff with you. Then just tell him you were in a relationship and he was made. Then his dad stepped up and began to care for him. I think theyounger they know the better. He will question what else you havent told him if he gets too old when you tell him.

    Answer by ria7 at 9:12 AM on Sep. 14, 2010

  • It depends on how mature he is. I don't think there is really a certain time you have to tell him or anything.

    Answer by Misteh at 9:07 AM on Sep. 14, 2010

  • I agree with Misteh. It depends on the kid. If you think he's ready to know, then tell him, but don't rush it or push it. My half sister was adopted by my dad, and when she found out about her real dad, it caused a lot of problems because she wasn't ready to know. If it'd come out at a better time, it would've been so much better.

    Answer by DereksBabyMomma at 9:10 AM on Sep. 14, 2010

  • That's a tough one. I don't know if there is ever a really good time other than whenever he's actually old enough to understand what he's being told. He's probably going to want to know his birth father (whether or not that is an option) and if you wait TOO long, he could resent you for not telling him up front.

    Answer by AmeliasMommy206 at 9:14 AM on Sep. 14, 2010

  • It depends on the child and if you are ready for the questions about his natural father.

    Answer by jshimmy at 9:15 AM on Sep. 14, 2010

  • I have been somewhat in the shoes of your son. My dad is not even really related to me anymore. He and my mom split up a few years ago, but he has been the only father I have ever known. I was 13 when my mom told me that he wasn't my biological father, but my step-dad. I have never ever viewed him as my step-dad, though, and even though my parents aren't together anymore and my mother has married someone else, he is still my dad and he will always be my dad. He never adopted me, though. He wanted it to be up to me if I wanted to be adopted or not, and by the time they told me and he asked me and everything, I was already used to my last name and didn't want to change it. Yes, I was a teen and no he wasn't hurt. He understood. But for all intents and purposes, he is my dad and always will be and I love him to pieces, and vice versa. He is a great dad and a great grandfather. When the time is right you will know.

    Answer by QueenMomma2023 at 9:27 AM on Sep. 14, 2010

  • I can't imagine what you hope to gain by not telling him. Are you afraid your son will be hurt that this step dad has stepped up to be his father? Are you afraid your son will reject your husband and want his biological father? You should tell him right away, if you don't then you're practically lying to him and he doesn't deserve that. No one appreciates being lied to. Actually I think it would be good if his daddy told him.

    Answer by onethentwins at 1:16 PM on Sep. 14, 2010

  • I never said I was not going to tell him. He just turned 7. He has not asked nor do I think he remembers any different. I was adopted but it was obvious from the start as I am Korean and my parents are caucasian.

    Comment by kjbennett26 (original poster) at 1:19 PM on Sep. 14, 2010