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Help!! My 10 yr old has befriended an older girl...

This older girl is 12, about to turn 13, and told my dd on Friday at school that she and her boyfriend "do it every chance they get." Both of these kids' parents work and they are latchkey kids. They have NO after school supervision, listen to hard core metal music like GWAR, and dress like death rockers.

I don't want to alienate my dd, but I am concerned about the influence this girl has on her. Mind you at this time my dh and I are building a house and living in a camper for the next couple weeks and this is going on at her father's house with her step-mom to supervise. SM thinks these two kids are "cute." especially when the littler kids (ds 7, dd2 who's 6, and their little friends) dare them to kiss and then go "EW!!" I think it's inappropriate to encourage these displays.

I am a Christian, the other household are atheists. My kids all know Jesus and DD1 is concerned for her friend. WHAT should I counsel her to do?


Asked by NEMommaOf3 at 11:24 AM on Sep. 14, 2010 in Tweens (9-12)

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This question is closed.
Answers (14)
  • And you keep up the positive talk and open lines with your daughter and she will do the right thing. And maybe encourage the other girl to not have sex and kiss either.

    Answer by BradenIsMySon at 11:28 AM on Sep. 14, 2010

  • In all honesty, I don't believe religion has anything to do with sex. I'm a Christian (Catholic to be exact). But, with all 4 of my kids, teaching them about sex or the lack thereof, was NOT related to any religion. Unfortunately, it is difficult to control what happens when your DD is at her dad's. But, you have control over how and what you teach her when she is with you. It's time to have some very serious talks about abstinance and safe sex. She needs to be educated in BOTH. If you simply teach abstinance, and she makes the decision to become sexually active without safe sex education, you will then have REAL problems on your hands.

    Answer by specialwingz at 11:30 AM on Sep. 14, 2010

  • LOL..My son is friends with GWAR's drummers daughter.

    I say tell you daughter to be a positive influence in her friends life. The music and dressing to me isn't so bad, but, the "doing it every chance they get" is.

    Answer by BradenIsMySon at 11:27 AM on Sep. 14, 2010

  • Okay, Lets remember when we were that age..It was cool to have an older friend..Your 10 yr old is not going to change what the other girl is doing.SHE"S 10..You as a parent should try and open up the conversation so you could advise..When you push your child to much not to be around the older kids,she will just want to be with them more. Sorry to say but her religion has nothing to do with it..Right now hormones do..If you preach religion they will not listen.You should listen (ALOT) try not to judge..Become your childs best bud and her friends,open your house to them,better your daughter with you then somewhere else..I am catholic and a tween cheer caoch for many years..when you listen you can find out key things to then advise on..At a slow pace try and plan things for your 10 year old and her same age friends..This way your not saying stay away from the older kids ,but more like check this out too..Good Luck

    Answer by pitacc at 1:08 PM on Sep. 14, 2010

  • Please explain to me exactly what Atheism has to do with this?

    Are you telling me that because they come from Atheist house holds that they behave this way? I surely hope this is NOT what you are saying...

    Your DD will do whatever she pleases while not in your presence... THAT said, if it bothers you soooo much, then simply limit or eliminate interaction. Clothes, music preferences, religious affiliation, those things have absolutely nothing to do with whether or not a person is a good or ban influence. Maybe you should be more concerned with how you have brought her up to this point- if she is well mannered and behaved, you have nothing to be concerned about.


    Answer by ObbyDobbie at 11:36 AM on Sep. 14, 2010

  • Ok, as long as you continue what you do, then your daughter will follow her moral compass. It also isn't her place to tell the other girl what to do, but, by staying on a good path, she can show by example. And maybe the other girl will see and want to follow as well.

    I teach my son in the way I prefer him to carry himself. He has many friends that I don't approve of the way they live, but, because I know my son and how he is taught and what is expected of him, I don't worry about it.

    Answer by BradenIsMySon at 11:58 AM on Sep. 14, 2010

  • Your DD will always find something or someone to latch into if she is a follower (which it sounds as though she is), though that does not mean she'll necessarily engage in bad behaviors... best thing you can do with the clothing issue is to constantly tell her how much you like the new duds, how 'cool' they are, even go out a couple times dressed like her (make yourself look ridiculous)- it'll come to a screeching halt. She wants shock value as much as belonging.

    As for religion being prohibited @ her dad's house- well, that is his right. My dd was indoctrinated without my permission by her grandparents, and I do not want my younger ones exposed to religion yet. Prayers, religious discussion, books, etc. are NEVER permitted in my home, if you want to talk to someone about god, do it where it belongs. At church. She can pray silently, it is disrespectful to pray aloud.

    Answer by ObbyDobbie at 12:06 PM on Sep. 14, 2010

  • My biggest concern with the above is the sexual connotations going on. The fact that this girl told your daughter "they do it every chance they get" and then the reinforcement of the SM having the kids kissing at that age is a little scary to me. I would talk to your daughter about appropriate behavior and why its important. Start talking about relationships and what is healthy. Talk to her about this other girl without degrading her, I've found my children get on the defensive when I would talk badly. I simply started talking about the behavior and how its inappropriate and tell them why. Clothes aren't that big of a deal, you don't need to promote it or like it, but its her showing her individuality and figuring it out. I think keeping the lines of communication open is the best way to handle the situation. She will figure it out, my boys have multiple times. You can't shelter them but you can guide and teach them.

    Answer by blessedwboysx3 at 12:31 PM on Sep. 14, 2010

  • No, Obby, I'm not saying that because of the Atheist household they act any certain way, I am saying that when my kids are at their father's house his wife and he literally FORBID them from saying grace at the table or talking about their faith.

    My dd might feel that she can't approach this girl with Biblical truth and tenets just because she knows her "at Dad's house." This other girl and her family attend the church that I just moved away from and so B10 also may think that she knows more because she is older and has been going to church longer.

    Comment by NEMommaOf3 (original poster) at 11:41 AM on Sep. 14, 2010

  • "Biblical Truth" is merely an opinion. Again-I'm Catholic. But, it doesn't give me the right to tell others how they should act or believe. Nor is it your DD's right or job to preach to this 13yr old girl. Your job is to teach your DD what is right and wrong. It is your DD's job to live by those morals and ethics which you have taught her. That's enough for any 10 yr old to do without having to worry about telling others what they should or shouldn't do. Just teach your DD good morals & ethics. Just because she comes into contact with this older girl, doesn't mean she will choose to act like her.

    Answer by specialwingz at 11:53 AM on Sep. 14, 2010