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How should i deal with this issue between my dh and my family?

i've been with dh for 6.5 years and my stepdad hasn't really liked him from the beginning. my dh is 8 years older than me and when we were first together we moved in with eachother before we were married. my stepdad, who is really controlling of the way my mom is, freaked out. well, my stepdad and dh have never been able to see eye to eye. for example: there was a time when me and our dd were living at my parents house between moves while my dh was working out of town. it was my dd bday and my dh was coming the day of her bday, which was a day earlier than the party. and my stepdad thought he should be working that day and wasn't going to support him not making money that day, so when he got into town he had to stay at a hotel. but he was "allowed" to stay at my parents the next night. that was a couple years ago. but my dh can't seem to move past it, until he gets an apology...
continued:

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 10:19 PM on Sep. 14, 2010 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (10)
  • There is not anything that you can do. These people didn't like each other before you were married, and your marriage did not change that fact. If I were you, I would go to visit the family once in a while. I would invite the husband to come along. If he chooses not to, then I would go alone. And I would quit worrying about the situation and I certainly would not try to change it.
    NannyB.

    Answer by NannyB. at 10:36 PM on Sep. 14, 2010

  • It sounds like your stepdad is being pretty unreasonable. By making your husband stay in a hotel, not only did he lose a days pay, but he also lost the cost of a hotel room....I don't see how that helped at all. Your stepdad needs to learn that he can't be so controlling. You are married and have a child. It's not up to him anymore, it's between you and your husband. My kids are 18, 21 & 28, and I would never treat their spouses that way....nor do I believe my husband would. They are adults.

    In this situation I think you need to stand by your husband. I'm not saying don't spend time with your family, but if it's a special occasion, your husband should come first, and until your stepdad apologizes, your choice should be your husband.

    I'm really sorry your in the middle, but it doesn't sound like your husband did anything wrong, and he should have your loyalty. Good luck!
    ohwrite

    Answer by ohwrite at 10:28 PM on Sep. 14, 2010

  • I think that you have to support your husband, I dont think he is in the wrong here. It sounds like your stepdad isnt just controlling of your mom, sounds like he is a bit controlling over both of you. I think you are in a tough spot, but who is more important? If it were the reverse wouldnt you want your husband to side with you over his family when they were obviously in the wrong. I think it would be nice for him to play nice for a day or so to visit, but is there a way that you can comprimise with him, maybe both of you stay at a hotel when you go visit? Or some other compromise, but you need to let your husband know you are on his side.
    -LovingMamma-

    Answer by -LovingMamma- at 10:31 PM on Sep. 14, 2010

  • I used to be in your shoes. I tried being diplomatic. I didn't want to be the bad guy in my family's eyes or in my husbands eyes. But, as I matured I realized that just isn't possible. You aren't meaning to disrespect your husband, but you are by allowing your family to treat him this way. That is insane for your step dad to treat the father of your child that way because he wanted to see your dd on her birthday. As a grown woman in my mid 30's and mother to 3 I have now learned for the peace and harmony of my home and well being of my children, my family comes first. My family is my husband and children. It was a rough year dealing with my mom and dad the first year I chose to side with my husband. But when I put my foot down I was firm and never turned back. After a year, my parents came around. You need to choose your husband and build a strong and stable unified force with him.
    ThrivingMom

    Answer by ThrivingMom at 10:43 PM on Sep. 14, 2010

  • cont.:
    and my stepdad won't apologize. things like this have been going on since we met and no one will bend. if i want to visit my fam for holidays or something, my dh won't go. and i feel like i am having to chose sides. i'm not going to not talk to or visit my fam (even though i don't agree with my stepdad) and i hate leaving my dh behind. i've tried to talk to my fam and dh, and he's tried to talk to my fam. but neither side feels they are in the wrong and i can't get anyone to bend. and it's driving my crazy!
    Anonymous

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 10:22 PM on Sep. 14, 2010

  • I don't think you should have to stop seeing your family, but I don't think you should ask/force your DH to go, either. Of course, if you do go, then your DH may think (as might I) that you don't support him. I think laying out some ground rules for stepdad would be first of all, then if he couldn't abide by them and at the very least, respect your DH while you're there, then I probably wouldn't be visiting much anymore after that.
    DMac08

    Answer by DMac08 at 10:25 PM on Sep. 14, 2010

  • This is what I would do:

    Get them both in the room at the same time, say it's unfortunate that they don't get along, but we are all family if they like it or not and differences need to be set aside so everyone else can enjoy themselves. It doesn't matter who is right or wrong, what happened, happened and it's done.
    DomoniqueWS

    Answer by DomoniqueWS at 10:32 PM on Sep. 14, 2010

  • adding

    Maybe that will give them a clean slate and at that time you might want to set some stern boundaries with your step dad

    Good Luck
    DomoniqueWS

    Answer by DomoniqueWS at 10:33 PM on Sep. 14, 2010

  • It's not your problem. Let the alpha males deal with it.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 10:57 PM on Sep. 14, 2010

  • While I think that stepdad should apologize for being immature, I don't think it is okay for DH to refuse to go with you! He should be there with you to see your family. He should respect you enough to go with you. Tell both of them to"play nice" while it is the holidays!!
    AdoptingMyChild

    Answer by AdoptingMyChild at 10:25 PM on Sep. 14, 2010

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