Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

3 Bumps

Have you ever given up a child for adoption

What were you thinking? Do you think about the child? Would you want your child to wait until they were at least 18 to try to find you or earlier? My adopted sister asks many questions and just assumes that her mother hated her.

Answer Question

Asked by 35yoamom at 9:28 AM on Sep. 15, 2010 in Adoption

Level 20 (10,016 Credits)
Answers (26)
  • Thats so sad. I'm sure most motherers are thinking of the child's best interest. If they hated them I would think they would have aborted it.

    Answer by Amelia512 at 9:29 AM on Sep. 15, 2010

  • Thanks Amelia, I will tell her. If your Mom didnt love you she would have just aborted you. I wonder why she gave her up? She had other children and was about 30 something when she gave her up for adoption.

    Comment by 35yoamom (original poster) at 9:31 AM on Sep. 15, 2010

  • I couldn't do it. My mom gave me to my grandma cuz she was a teenager when she had me. I see that it was the best choice for me but I just couldn't gave my baby up. More power to those that do it cuz its best for the baby. But pregnancy is 100% preventable, as long as its not a case of rape. But as someone who was givin up, I could never help but wonder, why didn't my mom suck it and change her life style for me, who was a baby?

    Answer by jamiethornton26 at 9:34 AM on Sep. 15, 2010

  • No but I feel and admire those that have done their best and tried but had not other choice and glad did not choose abortion.

    Answer by rylymama at 9:34 AM on Sep. 15, 2010

  • I've never given 1 up, but 20 years ago I had temporary custody of my niece until her mother (my SIL) could get her act together and last week I was given temporary custody of my youngest granddaughter. Who knows how long temporary is? I would think that most birth mothers would be hurting terribly and think of those children all the times but would have wanted them to have a better life than what they could give them. I think to give a baby up like that is a very selfless act. To keep one, knowing you can't provide is very selfish IMO.

    Answer by RosieCheeks64 at 9:35 AM on Sep. 15, 2010

  • I did. When I was 15. The first time I had sex, I used a condom, and it broke, and I got pregnant. My boyfriend at the time had plans to join the military and then decided to enlist and his ship out date was like a month after the baby was due. I knew that my child wouldn't have anywhere close to the life that I wanted him to have. It was actually a couple that I had known through church and some mutual friends for a while. They weren't looking to adopt again yet, but they agreed to come and talk to me as the other perspective. We spent one afternoon together, and we started getting papers drawn up. I can see him, but since I have other children now and my stepson is only 3 months younger than him, I think it is easier on him if he doesn't have a close relationship. I don't want him to wonder why he was the one that wasn't good enough. Honestly though, I think that had I been with a supportive man, I wouldn't have done it.

    Answer by Mom1Stepmom1 at 10:45 AM on Sep. 15, 2010

  • Feel free to message me if you want more information or anything like that. I would be happy to answer any questions. I still think about him daily, and I have a hard time looking at the children I raised and wondering if I didn't make a wrong decision. I sometimes feel like I gave up on him. I can tell you that even now, 9 years later, it was the harder thing I have ever done and I can't imagine having to make a harder decision. Every so often, something will trigger in me and I will mourn him all over again. The other day actually my husband came home from work for lunch and I was sitting on the couch holding a picture of him just weeping. I love him just as much as I do my other children. I want him to be able to know that I love him, so I made him a box of things. I wrote some letters and put some pictures of me when I was pregnant in there. His adoptive parents agreed to let him have it when he was old enough.

    Answer by Mom1Stepmom1 at 10:51 AM on Sep. 15, 2010

  • I relinquished my son 41 years ago, and he found me nine years ago. I tried not to think about him because it was too painful to do so. The adoption was not my idea, and not something I ever wanted. But, I wasn't strong enough to fight it, I wish that I had. Most birth moms I know were pressured and/or didn't really understand the potential consequences of adoption. Also, nearly all the moms I know love and long to know their children. There are many reasons to relinquish a child, but, I believe most moms do so thinking it is best for the child.

    I think far too many moms relinquish thinking they cannot afford a child, and later discover they really could have/should have kept their child. This is especially true now with moms who already have children. I think it is sad that as a society it is acceptable and considered okay to relinquish a child if you think you cannot afford it. Find a way, I wish I had.

    Answer by Southernroots at 11:53 AM on Sep. 15, 2010

  • I wish that I searched for my son many years ago, but, I don't know if I was strong enough then to handle reunion. Plus, he searched at age 31 when HE was ready. I think closed adoptions should be rare exceptions, and the open adoptions should be the norm if an adoption really needs to happen.

    Tell your sister that it is rare for a mother to relinquish because she does not love or want a child. Moms who relinquish usually generally want what is best for their child. Sometimes adoption really is, but, more often, they may think so at the time and realize later adoption is not a magic solution.

    Many women who get pregnant without meaning to are using birth control, but birth control methods are not 100% effective. 1/2 of all pregnancies in America are unplanned according to all government statistics.

    Answer by Southernroots at 11:59 AM on Sep. 15, 2010

  • Yes , I gave up a son 32 years ago.I became pregnant by accident by a very long term bf but not planned does not mean not loved or wanted.From the moment I knew I was pregnant I wanted and loved him.In my case bf,his parents and my mom didn't want him. Within 2 days of telling all parents I was locked away in an agency home no money,.car,checkbook and only a payphone with limited use and collect calls had to be accepted-as if.Anyway he was only given away because I was forced to and I have thought about him and loved him every single day.I finished college and grad school ,married and had other children but never stopped loving him.Yes I prayed that he would be available or look for me anytime...I am registered everywhere I can find.In birthmoms group there is a post about why birthmoms don't look sometimes.A lot of those fears are mine but therapy has helped me overcome the fears.Read it ,it may help her hurt less.


    Answer by drfink at 12:09 PM on Sep. 15, 2010

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.