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2 Bumps

Should I get involved?

A little complicated: after 11 years, my children reconnected with their birthmother last spring. Hasn't really been a good think. I think she's not what they expected and I think she wants more than they can give right now. Anyway, her sister wrote my oldest a nasty email about how stuck-up they're being by not being in almost daily contact with BM. And the aunt hasn't even seen them in almost 12 years!! My daughter is 18 so should I just stay out of it and be a sympathetic ear to her or tell the woman exactly what I think of what she said?

 
ceallaigh

Asked by ceallaigh at 9:22 PM on Sep. 15, 2010 in Adoption

Level 24 (19,921 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (11)
  • If it were me, and it's not, I'd keep my nose and mouth out of it. You know how well you've raised YOUR children so don't interfere. Be there to help YOUR kids if they ask. They will do the right thing without your mouth or help and they will respect you for not interfering .Besides you know you can't make a silk purse out of a pigs' ear and you can't make a "jerk" be anything other then a "jerk". I have an idea that your 1000 times smarter then they are so don't bring yourself down to their level. Best of luck.
    biddy02

    Answer by biddy02 at 9:30 PM on Sep. 15, 2010

  • I think I would just try to let the kids know that I was supporting them, no matter what their decision, and let them know that you don't think what she said about them was right. This could be a tricky situation. Bmom is way out of line, but it's going to be best if the kids come to that conclusion on their own. Since it sound like most of your kids are still minors, you have every right to stop the visits if you feel there is something going on that could be harmful to your children.
    Iamgr8teful

    Answer by Iamgr8teful at 9:44 PM on Sep. 15, 2010

  • Wow that is a tough one,But If it were me I would Get involved especially after this women told them they were being Stuck up.Shes not giving any consideration that its been many Years since there was any Connection with these sweet Children.She had no right to say that about them. She sounds very inmature to have spoken that way.The Biological Mother needs to Understand that You just cant pick up were you left off after all these years Kids dont shift into High Gear that fast when it comes to Mother and Child Absence.She needs to go very slow and Let the Children DEcide and Allow them to get more Comfortable with her and the others .Keep a Sharp eye on the BM and her Family Members.They sound like People who are to Head strong and Want things done Their way or else.Be cautious .God Bless you sweetie
    Darlasuttles

    Answer by Darlasuttles at 9:36 PM on Sep. 15, 2010

  • If you respond then she is getting a reaction and control out of it. I would give it 0 power by doing and saying nothing. My advice is to ignore it and let your daughter handle it if need be. It sounds like you are handling everything with style and class. We need more moms like you. !! :-) Hugs
    LeJane

    Answer by LeJane at 9:51 PM on Sep. 15, 2010

  • I'd stay out of it but let your kids know you're there for them.
    erinwhitt

    Answer by erinwhitt at 11:01 PM on Sep. 15, 2010

  • Biddy02, thank you, that's what I was thinking but it's good to hear it from someone else.
    ceallaigh

    Comment by ceallaigh (original poster) at 9:32 PM on Sep. 15, 2010

  • Let them decide.
    jessesmama22

    Answer by jessesmama22 at 12:48 AM on Sep. 16, 2010

  • Be supportive and stay out of it. The last thing an adoptee needs is a feud between their adoptive and birth parents. Remember too that this is the birth Aunt, not a member of the triad. There's a great book on reunion "Birthright: A guide to search and reunion for Adoptees, Birth Parents and Adoptive Parents" by Jean A Strauss. I'd get three copies, one for you, one for your daughters and one for birth mom.
    onethentwins

    Answer by onethentwins at 12:43 PM on Sep. 16, 2010

  • I think that she is trying to cause trouble between you and your kids because they are jealous about the situation. I would not give them any power. Instead, I would be there for my Children, let them know that what is being said about them is not true and listening to them when they need you. Good Luck.
    hsmominky

    Answer by hsmominky at 1:34 AM on Sep. 17, 2010

  • Sometimes, it's hard to watch our kids struggle and to grow up, but being adopted and reuniting with my bio mom at 18 and wanting to see her every weekend, yet ignoring alot of duties with people who were my friends and family, put a great strain on some relationships at home. The old saying "if I knew then what I know now..." Well, we all learn lessons thruout life at different times in life. This is one you have to learn to just stay out of.. Like said above, she is trying to just make trouble. As long as she is not wordful to you, stay out... This is a battle they will have to work out on their own. it is part of growing up and learning how to make decisions on their own. Just be there for them. A hug, a smile, a comforting word, (whatever you do, please do not agree or put down the bio family even if the child does).. (I could always put my family down, just not anybody else, or I got defensive). It is hard...
    Anidawehiwahya

    Answer by Anidawehiwahya at 10:06 PM on Sep. 17, 2010

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