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7 Bumps

Is change possible?

I want to know if any of you think that if a man has been physically and emotionally abusive, do you think it is possible for him to change? I mean really change for the better. Please give me honest answers...I have asked people I know about this and people have all kinds of thoughts and feelings on this. I just want to know yours.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 9:12 AM on Sep. 16, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (15)
  • Honestly, I say yes it IS possible but ONLY if they want to change. The problem is that a lot of people DON'T want to change or don't think change is needed in their life. So ultimately, I believe the person needs to see (or be kindly shown) the areas they need change in, to really SEE that those changes will help them and others for the better and for a good support system. Change is hard for most people so whether it ever happens really depends on the person.
    firenicecream

    Answer by firenicecream at 9:16 AM on Sep. 16, 2010

  • No. I was married to someone that was mentally abusive, on the verge of being physically abusive. He said it was our fault that he was the way he was. We have been divorced now for almost 6 yrs and from what I know he's still the same way.
    MrsLeftlane

    Answer by MrsLeftlane at 9:18 AM on Sep. 16, 2010

  • firenicecream pretty much said what I was going to say, He has to really want to. It may be the nature of the way he was brought up and to me that is instilled in him. Anyone can change, but they have to want to. Good luck hon

    zbee

    Answer by zbee at 9:19 AM on Sep. 16, 2010

  • If the person has a strong desire to change, for themselves not anyone else, it may be possible. It takes a lot of work, counseling, and a commitment to truly changing their lives. I've never seen anyone successfully change, to be honest. They always seem to resort back to their previous behaviors. My cousin's husband was "good" for almost three years, then he broke her arm.
    Scuba

    Answer by Scuba at 9:19 AM on Sep. 16, 2010

  • I think if the person themselves want to change it is possible with anger management techniques.

    I do not think it is possible in the same relationship though. I think that once you cross that line with someone it is too easy to slip up. But if you are with someone new and have never abused them, then it is easier to make the change.
    Niki_sd

    Answer by Niki_sd at 9:28 AM on Sep. 16, 2010

  • Usually if someone is abusive, it is a learned behavior. If one/both parents were abusive toward the other, then the cycle begins. It is very difficult to break. Not to say it can't be changed, but it takes a lot of work and self healing and working with a professional to learn new behaviors and coping techniques. It is easy to want to change and to appear to change, but if the work isn't put into fixing the problem then the dam will eventually break again.
    miraclebabymine

    Answer by miraclebabymine at 9:37 AM on Sep. 16, 2010

  • Personally, I don't believe it's possible. Aggression, Anger, and violent outbursts aren't just something you can wash away. Whether it's a learned behavior, or it stems from a tragic even, that trigger in the brain gets switched and it becomes natural. I don't believe that even with counseling a violent person can be cured or changed. I think that the brain becomes accustomed to it and almost feeds off it to survive. I wouldn't trust anyone who was once violent towards me enough to believe they can change anyhow. I think that once someone is verbally or physically abusive they shouldn't be allowed back in someone's life. I wouldn't take that chance that they didn't actually change. The thing about Anger/Abuse is that it can be triggered by anything, even if seemingly controled to a certain degree. Once that trigger has been switched it can be pushed and pushed until it again reacts. It's not a safe scenario either way.
    JazzlikeMraz

    Answer by JazzlikeMraz at 9:47 AM on Sep. 16, 2010

  • I have my psychology degree and from what I know people can't change their personality but they can change their actions. Typically people don't change unless there is a major tramartic incident that happens. Like hitting rock bottom. If the behavior is getting them what thay want they are less likely to change as well. When you stay with an abusive person you are risking your life. The question to ask is not will he change but what do you deserve out of the relationship.
    bjane01

    Answer by bjane01 at 9:55 AM on Sep. 16, 2010

  • Yes, if you are willing to accept the change.... sometimes when we say we want change and it comes about it throws us off so, we don't accept it even good change.... so, we need to be willing to accept the change :)
    tekabaymom

    Answer by tekabaymom at 9:57 AM on Sep. 16, 2010

  • Yes it's possible, but it's not easier. The person would have to acknowledge they have a problem that they need to work and then get the help they need from a professional.
    jillybean703

    Answer by jillybean703 at 10:59 AM on Sep. 16, 2010

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