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2 Bumps

Emotional Abuse

I've come to realize my husband is emotionally abusive. We've been married for 4 years, we have young children together and I am fully spent. I really have nothing left to give and it's even affecting my mothering. My attitude about life is negative. I no longer problem solve, but let my problems overwhelm me from the start. I feel as though I can't muster anything else to give to our relationship, and like I said...that feeling is creeping up into my role as a mother to our children.
My husband is in denial and to be honest I don't know if there is a way of coming back out of this while i'm in this marriage. The weight seems to heavy to bare right now.

Has anyone been through this? Picked themselves back up and stayed in a marriage? Has your husband changed?.....
No offence, but please, if you have never been through this situation don't speculate on what I "should" do....I need some first hand advice. Thank you!

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 4:24 PM on Sep. 16, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (11)
  • I cannot offer first hand advice, sorry.. but I can offer you a hug and hopes that you get help for yourself. And offer you my baseball bat for use on Mr. Useless!
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 4:26 PM on Sep. 16, 2010

  • Honestly, I have been through emotional abuse, and I stayed and worked on it for several years. But, eventually the emotional abuse escalated to the point I just could not stay anymore. Another thing, from someone who has been there, your children will grow up accepting the way their dad speaks to you as "okay". Trust me, not something fun to deal with. I can't tell you what to do, but I know usually abusers of any type do not get better without counseling, and even then it has to be something they want to do.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:29 PM on Sep. 16, 2010

  • i'm sorry you're going through this! I was not married, but engaged to an emotional abuser. It kinda just came out of nowhere. We were long distance at first, then started living together. He told me my friends were losers yet when I went out he'd be sad if I didnt invite him, he discussed our fights with his female friends (who all were jealous of me) and they manipulated him to think i'm poison. He loved them so he always put me down with their remarks, he physically abused me and when I melted down he'd start melting down saying it was his dad's fault and he was "sorry" (but he did it again and again)...he was a real asshole. It was very hard leaving him because I held onto who he used to be, thinking he'd be that way again someday. He emotionally abused me so hard I felt guilty for making him upset over something I did. Finally the day came when he threw me down to the ground and I called the cops. they broke us up.
    Owl_Feather

    Answer by Owl_Feather at 4:30 PM on Sep. 16, 2010

  • I had to leave but it doesn't mean you have to. There are some good books out there. One of my favorite is The Emotionally Abused Woman: Overing Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself by Beverly Engel. See if your library has it. I'd also talk with a Domestic Violence Shelter counselor. They have great helpers who may be able to help you with how to approach him about it. He may not realize he's doing it. He may just be doing what he saw his dad (or other men) do and following their pattern simply bc he knows no other way.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 4:31 PM on Sep. 16, 2010

  • Yes you say he is in denial but you have to take care of yourself and let me tell you the more you wait the harder it will be first start with yourself and find yourself someone to talk to after take up a hobby that promotes you and builds yourself up do not let things get far out of control. start caring for yourself and let him know right away when its happening I have to do this now. Say hey i think you need to know your wrong or hey ouch that hurts. Take care of yourself and do not let him get the best of you. GL Momma

    pinkdragon36

    Answer by pinkdragon36 at 4:34 PM on Sep. 16, 2010

  • Emotional Abuse is soooo powerful, you don't realize it's going on until it's been going on for awhile! It messes with your head. It's kind of like the old saying , you hang around the barber shop long enough your gonna get a haircut. If you keep hanging out in it, you will stay depressed and negative. You have to remove yourself from the situation in order to see clearly. I wish I had done it sooner! If you need to talk, add me we'll IM or you can PM me!
    Musicmom80

    Answer by Musicmom80 at 4:35 PM on Sep. 16, 2010

  • My husband is also emotionally abusive, add that to my co-dependent nature and you have a recipe for disaster. My story is long, but ultimately if your husband can't break out of his denial and get help and work on himself, things will not get better. He has to put in the effort to make changes in his behavior. You can't hold your relationship together on your own.
    My husband finally woke up when the couples counselor told us to get divorced because he wasn't doing anything to work on the marriage. He has been better since going to counseling on his own, and we're trying to work through things. Only time will tell if this will last forever but things are better. You're husband has to want to change and make things work though, without that nothing can get better.
    blessedwboysx3

    Answer by blessedwboysx3 at 4:38 PM on Sep. 16, 2010

  • While still "in" this . When you haven't got the choice, courage, or decision time, or anything. . . . .you can still call it your ways, as in just stand up to him. Yell back. Expect him to do something. He may never do it, but put your foot down, and speak it. As if it may sink in, or not. In doing this you are intentionally making blueprints as though you are doing some change. Each time we speak a truth for our self --our rights-- our inner esteem, we are making a choice. It leaves a blueprint: imprint: a copy in our brain. He can't take it all. At best this is what they don't want or like, but you can't have it all at once. I do this, it works, and I've seen many others just do the talk, and then do as you damn well please. For women it's a great power.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:49 PM on Sep. 16, 2010

  • I was married to a man that mentally and physically abused me...in order to help myself so I could be a better person for me and my children, I left his sorry behind...My main concern was not to allow my children to become a victim to this idiot and for me to get out while I still had breath in my lungs. Leaving was the best decision I ever could've made for my family. Not only did I turn things around to benefit my children, I met and married a man that treats me like a queen...I know in my heart that if I would've stayed with my first husband, I would either be a druggie/drunk or dead...I had great direction by going to a women's shelter where I could get help to get back on my feet...don't let him drag you through the mud, where the only thing you're reaching for is dirt...stand up on your feet so you can reach for stars!
    mom2mybabes

    Answer by mom2mybabes at 4:56 PM on Sep. 16, 2010

  • I have never personally known someone to change. I got out. My sisters got out. My aunts got out. I'd get out again. I know you don't want advice on what you should do, but I'm gonna give it anyway. I'd get out, and soon. Work on yourself. He can work on himself if he so chooses. There is nothing to say ya'll can't work on things and get back together. Maybe if he loses you, he will realize, and be able to come out of his denial. That would be nice. But, you don't want to lose yourself completely. And I just don't think you can keep that from happening with him constantly dragging you down. Emotional abuse is hard to take, it's hard to get through, and it's hard to stop doing. It's a hard cycle to break. And unless you get out, your children will grow up thinking it's ok to do to another person, and that this is what marriage is supposed to be like.
    Raine2001

    Answer by Raine2001 at 5:19 PM on Sep. 16, 2010

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