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4 Bumps

My ex has a new GF- I'm afraid for her.

OK, short story is this... He finally (after 2 years) has a new GF. Apparently a genuinely nice woman.

Problem is, he is EXTREMELY abusive (most of you who have been around here for a while know what I am talking about). I genuinely fear for her safety. NO ONE deserves that. I really want to get in touch with her, but I feel like she would take it as jealousy and simply shrug me off, rather than understanding that being with him puts her life in jeopardy.

What would you do?


Asked by ObbyDobbie at 11:42 PM on Sep. 16, 2010 in Relationships

Level 34 (70,074 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (19)
  • Limit yourself to one encounter. Try to hold your emotions at bay. Tell her you are giving her what nobody gave you, the chance to avoid the pain. I would simply tell her you aren't interested in her relationship, you aren't interested in being friends, or getting involved. tell her you are simply doing your civic responsibility and telling her that one day not far down the road the signs will start to pop up, small flags at first, the kind you brush off as paranoia, the kind that you ignore. Be specific, you know his behavior and men like this are creatures of habit. Make sure you tell her that you know how she will feel, like she needs to just dress better, cook better, be more sexy, more perfect for him but that it won't matter. then tell her how hard it was for you to get out. Then leave her with this one piece of advice, that she program the sheriff's department's number in her phone under a "safe" name.

    Answer by GoldenLinds at 12:27 AM on Sep. 17, 2010

  • My ex was abusive. I really don't care who he's with. They will figure it out. He has manipulated many, and I just can't save the world. FOR ME, I needed to be as far away from him and his life for ME to get better, and get healthy again. And abusers don't always abuse everyone they are with. His ex wife swears to this day, he never laid a hand on her. Which made me feel shitty, because I thought it was about me. As much as I wish this man could be locked up, and not allowed to have sex with anyone, or be happy ever again, I needed to move on.

    Answer by Musicmom80 at 11:49 PM on Sep. 16, 2010

  • Leave the door open and let her come to you.

    She will

    Answer by lovinangels at 11:44 PM on Sep. 16, 2010

  • Because one day she'll remember this conversation and while you hope it won't be too late, you also know what its like on the inside. And you tell her to remember that number and to use it for everything she's got. And when that day comes if she needs you on her side, you'll show up. Its the best you can do.

    Answer by GoldenLinds at 12:29 AM on Sep. 17, 2010

  • its hard to say, i stay stay out , if u do say something then it might cause problems for you, maybe once she sees the real him she wont stick around,if sh ereally is a niced woman she wont stay w/him

    Answer by gabby06 at 11:44 PM on Sep. 16, 2010

  • That's just it- he is sweet as pie @ first. Then just suddenly snaps. She may not have a chance to walk away. KWIM?
    There is no way that it could cause any bigger problems for me- not that don't already exist.

    Comment by ObbyDobbie (original poster) at 11:47 PM on Sep. 16, 2010

  • There is no right way to handle this. Right now she probably thinks he the best thing in the world. You can't just go telling her this, she'll probably say something like, "No, he isn't like that with me." Just leave your door open for her and her phone number if you feel comfortable with this. If it ever comes out, don't blame yourself, it won't be your fault. Did he ever get mental help? I know you would like to think he has changed, but if he hasn't, I hope she sees that she needs to get out of the situation. I wish you both luck.

    Answer by amessageofhope at 12:02 AM on Sep. 17, 2010

  • i would just say one single line that will make her see what your talking about when she feels something is awkward or wrong. something like "make sure you have the police dept on speed dial on your cell phone"

    Answer by melody77 at 12:04 AM on Sep. 17, 2010

  • I know better than to imagine that he has changed- and mental help is out of the question. Little did I know when we married that his family had him in therapy for years, and years, and years.
    He is extremely violent, and has tried to kill me on several occasions (I do not mean slapped me around and made threats, but actually intended to murder me- he almost succeeded twice while I was pregnant). I know I can't save the world, but people like him do not change- he is mentally incapable of changing. I would feel responsible if the same thing happened to her.

    I haven't met her, just heard about her.

    Comment by ObbyDobbie (original poster) at 12:05 AM on Sep. 17, 2010

  • yikes, that's a tough one... i'm usually very hands-off or non-intrusive or whatever you want to call it with relationship stuff... especially if its an ex that's involved... but when someone's safety is at risk... errr... I don't know...
    The thing that keeps coming to mind is that they are both adults... and in the unlikely event that he has changed, the fair thing would be to let him have a second chance with this woman.
    I guess if it was me, I'd err on the more cautious side of not saying anything... at least for now.

    Answer by elizabiza at 12:11 AM on Sep. 17, 2010