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Miscarriage- unsure where to turn...

I had a miscarriage in August, after finding out that my best friend and I were both due within a week of each other. It was a hard, but I though I was doing pretty well. My best friend called today, talking about feeling the baby move and I just lost it when I got off the phone. I hate feeling so sad watching her go through these happy stages knowing I should be there too. I respect her happiness too much to let her in on how hard it is for me- but she's the one person I could always talk to. My husband is the most wonderful man, though is very hard to talk to about this. If he can't 'fix' it or make me feel better, he's lost and ALWAYS ends up making me feel worse. My mother never had a miscarriage, and like so many other who've never experienced this, has no clue what to say to me. I feel trapped in my own worst nightmare with no one to talk to- I am ok, I just would like some advice on self soothing.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 2:39 AM on Oct. 18, 2008 in Relationships

Answers (11)
  • Maybe she'll have a collicy baby. :( So sorry for your loss. I don't know anything that will soothe you, however she is probably feeling awkward also. But honestly, this is something that there is no cure for - feelings, we have them we embrace them in different ways and put them aside at different times. Best Wishes and thoughts out to you. Take care.
    notjustamom380

    Answer by notjustamom380 at 2:46 AM on Oct. 18, 2008

  • I am sure she's feeling a bit awkward too, I actually think she's making a big effort to include me on everything happening with her as a kind of support. The thing is, until today and the thought of not getting to ever feel MY baby moving, I was really really glad she was so open with me. Now I feel like there is no way out without hurting her feelings. I am so happy for her, I am just sad for me suddenly. It's such a weird place to be... and i feel so guilty~
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:51 AM on Oct. 18, 2008

  • I've been there right along with having friends that were expecting. I felt so down and I felt like I would never get to experience those things again! There are several things that got me through my time of need. I looked up some books about miscarriage so I could read about someone who relates. One book I got that helped was. Mommy please don't cry, there are no tears in heaven. There was also a song that I had and I replayed over and over because it felt so right. Its called, Its gonna be OK by Theresa Andersson I would just replay it and let myself cry it out and I always felt better after. I will always miss my baby but I am doing much better now. Plus I now have a very happy, healthy 2 month old. :)
    zionsmom1

    Answer by zionsmom1 at 3:15 AM on Oct. 18, 2008

  • SO SORRY THAT WOULD BE SO HARD ! MY BFF WAS 5 MONTHS PREGNANT AND ONE DAY BEFORE HER WEDDING SHE HAD AN ULTRASOUND TO SEE THE SEX AND THEY TOLD HER THAT THE BABY HAD DIED A WEEK BEFORE SO SHE WENT ON WITH THE WEDDING THE NEXT DAY AND TWO DAYS LATER SHE HAD HER STIL BORN DAUDGTER SHE HAS TWO BOYS AND WANTED A GIRL SO BAD ! WELL A YEAR LATER SHE IS NOW 8 MONTHS PREGNANT WITH YES A BOY AGAIN SO IT IS STILL VERY HARD TO HAVE LOST HER GIRL !! YOUR BFF I'M SURE IS VERY SAD FOR YOU BUT YOU NEED TO BE THERE FOR HER AND HER JOY IT'S NOT HER FAULT DON'T BLAME HER FOR BEING HAPPY LOVE HER !! I'M SURE YOU WILL HAVE ANOTHER BABY MY SISTER LOST HER FIRST AND NOW HAS 5 KIDS AFTER THAT YOU DID NOTHING WRONG IT JUST IS A HUGE LOSS !!! JUST PRAY ABOUT IT TO MOVE ON I THINK THERE IS A GROUP I HAVE SEEN ON HERE FOR YOUR LOSS GO ON THERE YOU ARE NOT ALONE !!!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:41 AM on Oct. 18, 2008

  • I'm really sorry for your loss and I know this pain and the feelings you are having right now. I had a miscarriage when I was 4months along, I still feel the pain in my heart when the doctor told me my babys heartbeat is not there anymore. I suggest you to get a therapy. Someday you need to get over it. People always told me it happened for a reason, but i thought thats bullshit. No i know better. Now I'm happily married and a mother, which is almost 7years later.
    m.robertson811

    Answer by m.robertson811 at 3:46 AM on Oct. 18, 2008

  • I wish i would have gone to a therapy, because i couldnt handle to even see a pregnant woman, i couldnt handle watching kids playing, i was suicidal. Almost 3 or 4 months after the miscarriage i tried to commit suicide. My BF back then saved my life with the cops breakin in my apartment. Nobody understood that the only thing i wanted to be, was being with my baby. Today I know it was stupid and that I should have needed some help. Thats why I tell you, if your heart and feelings hurt so much, get some help.

    I wish you good luck
    m.robertson811

    Answer by m.robertson811 at 3:47 AM on Oct. 18, 2008

  • I am terribly sorry for your loss. I miscarried at 6 months. It took me a very long time to get over the heartache. I will say this (sorry to put an even more negative note on it), I DO think your bff was really insensitive calling you to talk about her baby moving around in her stomach. How hurtful! Of course you lost it after that call. Girl, you have earned the right to cry your eyes out at any reminders. The hurt will pass in time and guess what, more often than not, women who miscarry do go on to have successful pregnancies. Mine was many years ago. But I still know exactly how heartbroken I felt! And I had all this guilt and inadequacy. You are going through some very strong emotions, so don't feel bad in the least about avoiding a few baby showers. Continue to talk to people and keep busy. Things will get better, and you'll have lots of happier days ahead. Take care.
    hopelessnance

    Answer by hopelessnance at 4:39 AM on Oct. 18, 2008

  • I am so sorry for your loss. I misscarried in March while my sister-in-law was prgo. I understand where your BF is coming from b/c my SIL did the same thing. Then in April she asked me if I was still throwing her baby shower. I did and I was asked whn I was due and all I wanted to do was cry. My husband couldn't talk to me with ou making me cry all the time but I had family and friends that held me up. Lean on your Husband and talk to each other. Never keep the feelings inside. After my niece was born though I feel so blessed b/c my SIL lets me hold and love her all the time and it is a great feeling. Maybe that is why your BF is keeping you informed to keep you a part of it to try to help you thruogh this really hard time just talk to her. If you ever need to talk write me:) Good Luck!
    Beccah2

    Answer by Beccah2 at 4:59 AM on Oct. 18, 2008

  • I am very sorry for your loss, and I hope that when you're ready you will be able to try again if that is what you want. I can very much relate to that pain. I had 6 miscarriages between my son and my daughter, and lost 7 babies. The twins were the furthest along, and the hardest because I didn't know until afterward that is was twins I was carrying. So when I say I understand your pain, I truly do.

    Losing a child is hell, and there's just no way around that. The only thing that will make it better is the support of the people who love you, and whom you love. Having your friend pregnant is difficult, I'm sure, but I really believe that you can't let it stop you from being happy for her, and supporting her whatever way you can. There is likely to be a bit of jealousy, but if you don't deal with it, it could grow into a bitterness and resentment that could destroy your friendship.

    Cont...
    jespeach

    Answer by jespeach at 5:08 AM on Oct. 18, 2008

  • And I disagree with hopelessnance: I don't think your friend was being inconsiderate. I think she knows you're hurting, and this was something happy and she wanted to share it with you. As difficult as it might be right now, try to see things from her perspective...how scary it must be to have such hard evidence of how quickly things can change. Put yourself in her shoes for a moment, and ask yourself if you'd want to share your happiness with her.
    With that being said, if you need some distance until you are further along in the grieving process, then be honest with her and let her know. Tell her you're happy for her, you truly are, but that it is too painful right now to hear about her baby because it reminds you of the one you lost.

    If you need to talk, ever, please feel free to message me. I can be a sounding board, it could help.
    jespeach

    Answer by jespeach at 5:13 AM on Oct. 18, 2008

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