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Should I contact her?

I have been struggeling for months now on whether or not to contact our daughter's BM. She has always had the option to contact the lawyer and recieve pics, updates, whatever about her daughter. She never has...I can contact her on myspace or facebook, I just don't know if this is the right decision. I would love for her to see our daughter's pics, and for her to know what a wonderful little girl she is turning into. Do I contact her or do I just let it go? I don't want to bring up something she isn't ready to deal with at this point in her life, but at the same time I want her to know how grateful we are to her and let her know that she can always see our daughter's pics if she wants and updates on her.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 12:38 PM on Oct. 18, 2008 in Adoption

Answers (19)
  • continued...
    She never held her in the hospital, and it was a very emotional time for her....I just don't know if it would be wrong to contact her now or just wait until she's ready to look for her daughter when she's older, if she ever does.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:38 PM on Oct. 18, 2008

  • I would not contact her. Since she knows that she is welcome to contact you guys through the lawyer I would wait for her to initiate any contact at all. I would assume she is not ready to talk or communicate with you guys right now.

    I wish you the best.
    Southerncharmes

    Answer by Southerncharmes at 12:41 PM on Oct. 18, 2008

  • leave her alone if she wanted to see your beautiful daughter she wouldve contacted you.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:41 PM on Oct. 18, 2008

  • I would continue to send pix and updates to the agency or lawyer from time to time, other than that I wouldn't do anything more. If she was interested, she would contact you. Also, this still might be something that's she is trying to deal with and by not getting the updates herself might just be her way of handeling it.
    TheDiva320

    Answer by TheDiva320 at 2:13 PM on Oct. 18, 2008

  • i would contact her only to ask her if she cared to know. maybe she feels she shouldn't contact you and is scared too. i have given my baby up for adoption and they are suppose to send pics but they don't and i have even written them but they don't get back to me. so i'm a bit upset. they should after all but for many yrs i felt that they were happy and i didn't want to disrupt that. so maybe just email and ask would you like an update on the baby. i think she would appreciate that.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:21 PM on Oct. 18, 2008

  • I would echo the sentiments of Anonymous 10/18/08 @ 11:21. As a birthmother myself (and knowing many other birthmoms) we often feel that it is not our right to reach out and request information on the children we relinquished. Yes, it is painful to consider the joys we have missed - but is is much more painful to feel that there is no room for you to view from a distance how your child is growing.

    As an adoptee, I would also say that your efforts to reach out to your daughter's birthmother will matter to your child (even if the birth mother is unwilling/unable to be involved). I would also try to communicate first through the agency. Please know however that many birth mothers do not keep information current with the agency so if you have her facebook/myspace info you many need to go that route too. Best of Luck!!!
    PortAngeles1969

    Answer by PortAngeles1969 at 2:47 PM on Oct. 18, 2008

  • As another mother who once relinquished a child, I would agree that you should try to contact her and give her the opportunity. If she wishes not to take advantage of your offer, it is her choice. However, I think it is a kind gesture on your part and I hope that you proceed.

    I wonder if any of the others who offered you advice, except the mom above, really know how the majority of birth moms feel about contact. Most moms I know would love to have any information about their relinquished children. I find it peculiar that most people believe that birth/natural mothers don't want to know about their children.
    Southernroots

    Answer by Southernroots at 3:18 PM on Oct. 18, 2008

  • It couldn't hurt to try to contact her. The ball is then in her court. You'll know that you've tried, and that's really all you can do.
    ProudTexan71

    Answer by ProudTexan71 at 4:37 PM on Oct. 18, 2008

  • Could you possibly get a hold of her parents? They may be easier to send updates to then the child's BM. And they could talk to her for you.
    matthewscandi

    Answer by matthewscandi at 4:52 PM on Oct. 18, 2008

  • I struggle with this too, my son's bm had my cell # and we have spoken but not for the past 10 months she also has not seen him since last christmas. When we do talk she always is very talkative and almost avoids talking about "our" son When we adopted him we agreed to a semi open adoption and she was very happy about that. She is also adopted , and I feel even though we said we'd be willing to have contact she respects our privarcy.
    Jakesmamamia

    Answer by Jakesmamamia at 8:44 PM on Oct. 18, 2008

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