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Am I being unfair and unreasonable?

I have a 17 yo and a 20 yo. I've been with my now husband for 5 yrs. When we first met I told him I did not want anymore children. He told me he had a daughter she is now 13. I'm glad he has a good relationship with her. We argue because when she come over I told him he has to be here because I don't want to do that young child thing again. She is older now but his work hours still don't permit him to be at home late evenings and through the night. His X make him feel guilty for not letting her come over whenever she wants. I told him if he's not here he's not spending time with her. If I was not here would he let her come anytime?

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Asked by n2thaxcape at 5:24 PM on Sep. 18, 2010 in Relationships

Level 4 (50 Credits)
Answers (14)
  • I see where yor're coming from but it is her dad's house too, and she shoudl feel welcome there. How would you feel if he said he didn't want to be around your kids unless you were present. When you married him, you should have expected to take on his daughter like one of your own, not as an inconvience.

    Answer by skittles1108 at 5:28 PM on Sep. 18, 2010

  • my now, x husband and I once moved five hours away from my home town and family. So, he could have more visitation with his young son. Well, I ended up seeng his son more then he ever did. He would leave for work early, working with his father. His father would stop at the bar on the way home so he'd be home late in the evening. i was very upset, becuase I moved SO I COULD have a relationship with his son.
    I think, you should compermise, set a limit to how much time your willing to help out with the care taking of his daughter. Example You could pick her up from school and stay with her until 6pm, BUT then it's his turn. I agree, with you my kids are now 17, 11 and 10 - I cannot stand being around little kids. They're just so childish..LOL - I don't know, the crying and slobbering, and NOISE.

    Answer by SassySue123 at 5:37 PM on Sep. 18, 2010

  • OUCH! I think you will cause a rift between them if that little girl ever feels what you are saying. If you are good at hiding your issues with her then that is fine. But if she has ANY feelings that you dislike her THAT much... then I feel realllly sorry for the kid.

    I agree your husband needs to spend time with his daughter but it should be a bit flexible. She is a kid... some times they simply need to see a parent and get a hug that ISNT scheduled.

    Answer by sahlady at 5:55 PM on Sep. 18, 2010

  • I agree with you ladies. Please don't misunderstand I don't dislike his daughter I just don't have the patience for young childrens issues. My youngest is all but moved out. If I don't feel like cooking I don't . I don't have to worry if he has clean underwear or if he's taken a shower or brushed his teeth. When my friends call and ask me to go to lunch, to see an R rated movie or go to a sports bar I don't need to find a sitter or worry about how long I'll be gone. When my husband works overnight I'll stay my sister sometimes and meet him at home when he get off. I am 43 and I don't have the patience anymore.

    Comment by n2thaxcape (original poster) at 7:20 PM on Sep. 18, 2010

  • Well you know, 13 isn't THAT young. She's only 4 years younger than your son so I think you're being a bit harsh when saying you don't have the patience for her issues. And I'm pretty sure she is capable of brushing her teeth, making a sandwich, and doing laundry (at least I would hope so...). I do think that if she is going to visit then your DH needs to be around for most of the visit. It would be different if she lived with you full time. He and his ex need to come to a reasonable visitation agreement that allows the daughter to get ample time with her father. If he has to rearrange his work schedule some, so be it, but I think you need to be flexible too. It won't kill you to spend some time with her as well, since apparently she's a big part of his life. Stop being so selfish. You can go to the movies or go to lunch when she's not there or take her with you. She may enjoy the time with you.

    Answer by Journey311 at 9:57 PM on Sep. 18, 2010

  • When you married him, it was a package deal. He accepted your children, you should accept his - it's called family. Please think of her feelings - she is innocent and doesn't deserve to feel unwanted or like she's a burden; it would cause emotional scarring.

    Answer by ladycertz at 10:10 PM on Sep. 18, 2010

  • Does she have her own room she can go to if she visits? I kind of don't blame you, for she is HIS KID not yours. Hell, I refuse to go to my dad's house if HE is not there. I am not hanging out with his wife and her DDs.


    Answer by KairisMama at 10:18 PM on Sep. 18, 2010

  • That is exactly what I am talking about. My son will turn 18 in 2 months and he has graduated high school. I don't want to go to the movie or lunch when she is not here. I did that when my children were small and I don't want to do it again. I said it 5 years ago and I'm saying it now. I think he thought he could change me but it is not going to happen. When my children have kids I'll take them and love them, when and need my peace and quiet I will send them back to there parents.

    Comment by n2thaxcape (original poster) at 10:34 PM on Sep. 18, 2010

  • If he is not at home what is the purpose in her being there? I thought the main objective is for her to spend time with her father. If he picks her up and drop her off and he's gone for 12 to 14 hrs. during the time she's visiting but I'm the bad guy for not wanting to "TAKE UP THE SLACK". I'm supposed to change to accomidate the "package deal" when her visit is not a priorty for him.

    Comment by n2thaxcape (original poster) at 11:16 PM on Sep. 18, 2010

  • yes you are. you can't really expect him regardless of when you said so, to have him not have his daughter be welcome anytime to his own home. hard is it to find a sitter if you want to get away from this chic. at 13 i would think she could be home alone for hrs.

    Answer by melody77 at 11:17 PM on Sep. 18, 2010

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