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3 Bumps

What am I doing wrong? Why won't he understand my point? Please advice.

I just had another huge fight with dh about money. And like always I'm the one left angry, upset, hurt and crying. To begin with we are beind in our property taxes so I've been giving every single cent of my paycheck to try to pay them off, I am not materialistic, I don't buy what I need for myself because the little that we do have left in money I leave it alone for dh to use in case he needs gas, lunch, golf, etc. I deny myself the things I want so that we can pay the bills and he can have money for the week. Today he told me that he lend his friend $100 to get into a football pool at work. And at the same time dh tells me friend took a trip to TX, we're in CA. So I tell dh, if the friend does not have money to get into this football betting then how in the world can he afford to make a trip to another state. My anger is not about my dh lending someone money when needed, but for football, give me a break? Cont......

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 7:43 AM on Sep. 19, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (11)
  • cont.....Why won't he understand the sacrifices I've had to go through in order to keep us afloat. Am I wrong, what am I doing wrong? Please give advice. Tks.
    momplus01

    Answer by momplus01 at 7:44 AM on Sep. 19, 2010

  • No- you're not wrong. It would be one thing if it was "I need $100 to feed the kids for the next week." I would lend someone money for that, but not for f'in football!! Do you work? If you're a SAHM he may have a mentality that he works, so he should be able to do whatever he wants with the money. Seeing as it sounds like you're working and pooling the money together- tell him you are trying to make ends meet, not taking any frivolities for yourself. That you're behind on bills and if he can't understand that... Well, then I guess he needs to wise up, before you lose your home!
    Annabel1809Lee

    Answer by Annabel1809Lee at 7:49 AM on Sep. 19, 2010

  • oh this is tough because this is a battle you definitely have to fight because it's important to you and your family's survival. i don't think you're wrong at all. he sounds like he just wants to be generous and help a friend out or perhaps this friend is trying to take advantage of him and your dh isn't the kind of person that can really say "no". i don't know all the details. but even with that being said it's difficult to understand and accept that he wants to help someone or give someone else your hard earned money when you're struggling and making all the sacrifices.

    what are some extras on his phone (like data packages or text messaging or something) that you could tell him you will have to discontinue if he keeps giving people hand outs? or maybe he has an extra channel on the tv that you could cancel to make up for the difference, like hbo or showtime or espn etc. cont.
    pmg1030

    Answer by pmg1030 at 7:58 AM on Sep. 19, 2010

  • Money is the number 1 reason couples divorce. Maybe you need to change the way you present your position. Make a list, presnt it to your dh objectively. Stop saying, "I gave up this and that" You need to say, "If you keep doing this here is what is going to happen to us, like loosing the house..." Then present a money plan. "Here is what we need to do as a couple to get out of this mess..." Before speaking with your husband, go to your bank. Banks have financial planners who can help you make what is known as a "Debt Diet". Have your goals listed and let him know he means the world to you but your life would be less stressful without him. If you are objective, you won't leave crying and upset, he will. Fight ing over money is soooo hard but, somebody has to take the lead and be the adult and it does not sound like your dh is up to the task. Good luck!
    momx3gx1b

    Answer by momx3gx1b at 7:59 AM on Sep. 19, 2010

  • maybe if you hit him where he lives so to speak, he will listen up. and then if he doesn't listen you can follow through with what you said you would have to do and then actually take that money and put it towards the property taxes. good luck! :)
    pmg1030

    Answer by pmg1030 at 8:01 AM on Sep. 19, 2010

  • Guys can be very stubborn with money. When it works for them, both partners' money is joint money. But also they would be quick to say "My money is my money." or "Its my decision that matters, I can do what I want with my money. " Well, no they can't. When you're married, both of your incomes are now both of your money. I would stop giving him spending money, if he is just gonna mistreat its use. Good luck.
    americanadian25

    Answer by americanadian25 at 8:02 AM on Sep. 19, 2010

  • Men are from Mars, women are from venus. it is NOT just a catchy phrase. Men and women speak COMPLETELY different languages and deal with totally different concepts. Men are also NOT mind readers. my advice? dont FIGHT and nag on him and be allhurt and upset. he cannot read your mind. he cannot KNOW how much YOU could have used that $100. so tell him. "Honey when I found out you gave your friend $100 for a football pool, I felt ..................................................... because right now I need .............have a written list in fact of your needs right now...........................and I have been going without to make sure we were all covered. What I need from you is to understand that if we have a few dollars to spare from the bills, Ihave a list of things I have been neglecting for my own needs. I am sorry I did not communicate those needs more clearly to you. But from now on, can you please talk to me before
    BlacksheepSati

    Answer by BlacksheepSati at 8:24 AM on Sep. 19, 2010

  • I think you are a very understanding person in this relationship. I think if you are behind on your property taxes why would the money be given for a football pool. That's a longshot in winning in the first place. As far as you having things you need, you should not always have to do without all the time and in a relationship it doesn't mean one person in the relationship has to make all the sacrifices. It's supposed to be a give and take thing.
    CafeMochaMom1

    Answer by CafeMochaMom1 at 9:21 AM on Sep. 19, 2010

  • i would be very mad and upset with him too. that just isnt right. thats money you need money you could have use to get bills paid so you could have something you want to. i wouldnt let him go golfing he would have to cut back just like me.
    jacobmommy62106

    Answer by jacobmommy62106 at 11:10 AM on Sep. 19, 2010

  • He gives away money like it's no big deal bc you keep allowing him to think there is money to lend/give/spend. Make a budget for you both and stick to it. Quit giving him extra money. If he wants golf money then let him find a way to make extra money to get it. He has to SEE (not hear) that you two have a money problem. He's not seeing it bc you are hiding it from him. Let him take his lunch. Let him have to ration his gas like others do.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 12:30 PM on Sep. 19, 2010

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