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22 Bumps

I never thought it would happen to our family...

I've quite literally failed as a mother. I taught my daughter abstinence and also safe sex for if that failed. We went through it. I trusted her but at the same time gave her boundaries and I felt she wasn't lying to me - well it turns out one night when she was at a 'sleepover' (I called her friend's mother, who also lied to me about her being there) she was actually having sex with a boy and she's now pregnant. My first question is would you confront this mother for lying to you?

Secondly I want advice please on how to deal with it? She wants to get an abortion but I really don't agree with it at all - in my mind she's now harbouring a life in her womb (she's 11 weeks along at the moment) and I feel for that life and believe that they have rights that rival my daughter's. Advice please?

I'd worked so hard for this not to happen but I realise all I can do now.

Lastly how to calm DH down? He's in uproar.

DD's 14.

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 8:22 PM on Sep. 19, 2010 in Teens (13-17)

Answers (61)
  • I was a teen mom.. I didn't find out I was pregnant until I was well into my 2nd trimester (I was anorexic so I didn't get my period regularly). I have been soooo fortunate to have my parents 100% support since day 1. If you force her to have this baby I hope you are prepared to support her and her child, financially and emotionally for at least the next 18 years and not make her feel guilty about it for even a second. Otherwise... leave it up to her and if she chooses to have the baby... do the same as above!!!
    FeelinYummy

    Answer by FeelinYummy at 8:26 PM on Sep. 19, 2010

  • I wouldnt confront the mother about it. It would do nothing for anyone..it's done and it happened. Let ur husband have his fits..hes a father.As for your daughter you have to support her threw whatever decision she makes..no matter ur feelings..Is she educated on all her options? I think maybe she should go talk to someone outside of the family since u are anti abortion. I think she needs to see her options from a non bias view and then decide what she thinks is best for her. If she still decides an abortion is best for her then I think as her mother you should support her. Good luck
    SweetPoison

    Answer by SweetPoison at 8:27 PM on Sep. 19, 2010

  • Hold and cry and talk. Many worse things could have happened. My daughter died.
    Help her make the right decision.
    Love her - Love her and Love her.
    You have a little time. Hopefully she will not rush into an abortion.
    Hold her. Be there for her.
    Try to make your husband understand that drama is not going to solve the situation.

    Yes, I definitely would tell this other mother. It is not her fault your daughter is pregnant. But there is no reason for her to have lied to you.
    (((((Hugs))))))))
    tootoobusy

    Answer by tootoobusy at 8:27 PM on Sep. 19, 2010

  • First don't fill like a failure. Sometimes, Nature pro-veils over nurture, definitely not your fault.
    As for the abortion thing unless she is 17 and has 500 bucks she cant get an abortion without a parent. When I found out I was pregnant I wanted to give my baby up for adoption because I was scared. My dad wouldn't let me and im so glad he didn't. So, I would just tell her no, its her responsibility.
    As for your husband I don't know. My dad wasnt mad and when my now husband told his parents. His dad went crazy ! Then he left and hours later he came back my husband and him had a long talk. Maybe you can get your husband to go out for a couple of hours.
    armywife2009101

    Answer by armywife2009101 at 8:28 PM on Sep. 19, 2010

  • I don't think you failed as a mother, your being way too hard on yourself. I would confront this friends mother, not because your DD is pregnant, but for lying to you. I wouldn't waste a lot of time and energy on her. As for your DD wanting an abortion, that's a hard one, and unless your ready and willing to take care of this precious baby, I don't know what to tell you to do. Good luck hon and prayers are up for you..........

    zbee

    Answer by zbee at 8:29 PM on Sep. 19, 2010

  • Oh geez, Im so sorry hon. This is a really tough one. Where in I cant offer advice on which way she should go with this, I will say that your family sounds strong enough to get through this one. You and dd need to sit down and have a very long heart to heart talk about what the next step should be. What does she want to do here? Adoption is always a possibility. With a teen dd of my own my heart goes out to you. If a mother had lied directly to me and covered for my dd, I would be livid. I dont even know if I would have the words to tell her how angry and disappointed I was. I know you will find the courage and strength to get through this and so will dh.
    beyondhopes

    Answer by beyondhopes at 8:31 PM on Sep. 19, 2010

  • I would absolutely have her head on a platter, that other Mom, that is. Another mother should never be telling lies for a child.
    That said, I would give her all the options, make her talk to someone outside the family, and support her in her decision.
    As for your husband, he will get over it.
    dancinintherain

    Answer by dancinintherain at 8:33 PM on Sep. 19, 2010

  • confront the mother who lied for sure. how would she feel if roles were reversed and it was her dd who got pregnant because you lied to her. disresepct at its fullest. i dont believe in lying and hate those who do. if you force your dd to have the baby like the pp said you had better support her for the next 18 years, she is going to need the support, since she is still a baby herself. talk it over with her, the best thing you can do right now is to be as honest as you can so that she can follow your example. support her in her decision, its not the one that you or i would have made, but she did it and now has to face the reality of it. now that you know she is having sex, get her on some good birth control so this doesnt happen again, and have a good talk with her about STD's because pregnancy is only one thing that can come of unprotected sex. she's 14 does she really want to get aids and die for a few minutes of sex
    katiliffe1982

    Answer by katiliffe1982 at 8:33 PM on Sep. 19, 2010

  • I may get flamed for this, but I gotta say it. You may not agree with abortion but your daughter has been making some adult decisions. Obviously you, trying to make decisions for her, hasn't worked either. Seems like getting an abortion might be the most adult decision she has made. She made a mistake, that is clear. How many lives need to be ruined because of a mistake? She is 14. She has NO concept of what it means to be a parent. Heck I was 36 when I had my son and I still had no idea. At 11 weeks she is running out of options. And for the record I absolutely WOULD confront the mother who lied to you. She needs to know the consequences of her lie.
    getrealmama

    Answer by getrealmama at 8:34 PM on Sep. 19, 2010

  • I think all of the above is good advice. Hang in there!
    sherribeare

    Answer by sherribeare at 8:36 PM on Sep. 19, 2010

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