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4 Bumps

I am worried she might kill him.

My SIL dad was abusive(not sexually)growing up. He is in and out of nursing homes. He is an alcoholic and still very much verbally abusive towards her. He says he wants to die. For some reason she insists on caring for him. She feels obligated becasue he is sick. We keep telling her not to. Her family always calls her to care for him. Lately when I talk to her she is saying she wants him to die, to smother him with a pillow and get it over with. That she wants to push him down the stairs. I don't know if she's venting or serious. I told her not to talk like that because if something happens they'll blame her. She is not herself lately. She's not normally like this. She doesn't sleep anymore, she's drinking more and it takes a lot out of her life to deal with him and I think she's breaking. I feel so powerless. I don't know if I should get involved or not. I think she needs help, but is it my plac


Asked by Anonymous at 9:21 AM on Sep. 20, 2010 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (13)
  • She needs to tell him that she CANNOT care for him any longer, and work with him to find a place to live. She sounds angry and frustrated, which is completely understandable. It sounds like she was just venting to you. If he won't agree, maybe she can have him declared incompetent, allowing her to move him into a home without his consent.

    Answer by Scuba at 9:58 AM on Sep. 20, 2010

  • Honestly speaking, she is probably caring for him in an effort to still try to find the acceptance from him that she has never gotten. However, if you feel the situation is abusive, I would call and report it. It sounds like your SIL needs counseling to deal with the abuse that she suffered from this man.

    Answer by mommy11260 at 9:34 AM on Sep. 20, 2010

  • No, he's completly broke. He has nothing. He has a major disability and her and my husband have been caring for him since they were small children. It has NOTHING to do with money. She doesn't want anything.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 9:25 AM on Sep. 20, 2010

  • Look up places in your area that take elderly people with attitude problems. I am sure there is some where that can handle him. Even if it is for a short while it sounds like your SIL could use any time away that she can get. If I were you I would take this very seriously. If she is breaking you don't want her to react not thinking clearly and than when she is back to normal have that on her concience and have her end up in prison. Be on the safe side for both their sakes.

    Answer by MizAnn at 9:34 AM on Sep. 20, 2010

  • Probably venting
    She has caregiver burnout. A local hospice may be able to help her. It is hard to say without knowing her...

    Answer by KARRIEMARIE at 9:39 AM on Sep. 20, 2010

  • She's not a bad person, or a vendictive person. Honest! This didn't start until a year ago. He's too young to stay at a nursing home so they cut him loose, he has a Social Worker, Yet they do nothing. We refuse to do anymore because it was hurting our marriage, and our children, and had advised her to do the same. He says things to her like, you are a whore just like your mom, you aren't invited to my funeral, you are a disapointment etc. He would tell my husband he was a waste of skin, a mistake, a usless piece of ****. No one else in the family will help.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 9:41 AM on Sep. 20, 2010

  • I think you and your husband should find a place for him to go and be cared for then approach her with the possibility. I would just hug her and tell her she is doing agreat job but you want her to have her life back and you think he would be happy in such and such nursing home but you think it is putting a strain on her to care for him. Some people dont know when to quit giving and care for themself. Maybe she just feels guilty if she doesnt care for him.

    Answer by ria7 at 9:42 AM on Sep. 20, 2010

  • Argh. She needs to say hit the road jack...

    Answer by KARRIEMARIE at 9:44 AM on Sep. 20, 2010

  • Or next time he goes to the hospital say he can't come home with me again

    Answer by KARRIEMARIE at 9:45 AM on Sep. 20, 2010

  • SHE wants him in a nursing home. They won't take him unless he agrees to it, which he will not. He is too young. The Social worker tried to find him a place but he refused. I don't understand why dpss hasn't done anything. They said he even had to volunteer for any type of help whatsoever even though everytime he hurts himself and can't take care of himeself the family is stuck doing it or else he'd rot.

    Comment by Anonymous (original poster) at 9:48 AM on Sep. 20, 2010