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from last few months my elder daughter starts arguing with me,she tries to compare her activities with me.Due to this i usually get irritated and start scolding her& sometimes i slap her ,at that time she feels sorry.But what i am feeling is due to all these she is becoming is becoming stubburn &by the next time she behaves more badly than before.I dont know how to handle the situation & make her my friend.

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ridhima

Asked by ridhima at 3:08 AM on Sep. 21, 2010 in Tweens (9-12)

Level 3 (25 Credits)
Answers (13)
  • problem, dont make her your friend. your children will see you as a friend and try to get by with more things. thats just my view on it. ground her take things away...
    firstimemomm603

    Answer by firstimemomm603 at 3:14 AM on Sep. 21, 2010

  • First, I know that this is hard, because I'm guessing that she's starting her "tween yrs / early teen yrs" - and trust me, dd's tend to be hell on wheels at this age... (I have a 17 yr old ds and a 16 yr old dd, trust me, I do understand). BUT - don't let her push you to the point that you're slapping her (again, I know it's hard, but don't give in to that urge).

    Second - try to keep in mind that you are NOT her friend - nor should you try to be. You're her mom - a much better relationship! I know you want to be friends, but friends don't have positions of authority over each other, make the rules, set the discipline, etc. She's comparing why she should get to do it "because you do" because you're trying to be a friend. Set the rules and set the boundaries, and say "You're not old enough to do it. When you're older, we can re-consider."

    cont
    sailorwifenmom

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 3:19 AM on Sep. 21, 2010

  • cont

    She's going to be mad at you, yell, "hate you" "you're ruining her life" etc. That means you're doing your job :-) If you don't set those boundaries, she's not going to respect you, she's not going to listen to you, and you're only going to have things get worse.

    Keep in mind, her hormones are starting to go nuts - even if she's not outwardly developing yet, and girls can start a PMS cycle LONG before they get their period. She's needing to learn to come to terms with these hormones, and she's going to push boundaries - and you. Expand her boundaries as you think appropriate, and be willing to listen to her reasons for wanting to do something, but make it clear in the end, it's YOUR call - it's not a democracy or a popularity contest.

    It WILL get better - my sweet kid was a total demon child for a few yrs - sassy, nasty attitude, etc. Now she's a funny, sweet, smart teen that I get along great with.
    sailorwifenmom

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 3:22 AM on Sep. 21, 2010

  • Honestly, I would give the same advice that I gave about your two-year-old. You have two children at very hard moments in their lives. I had a worse relationship with my mom in tween years than I did in teen years. There's a lot of insecurity and self-image issues, awkwardness, hormones, big emotions, questioning, struggling for independence, etc. I had big emotions that hit me so hard I couldn't deal with them, much like a toddler does. Also, stop the physical retaliation, that's only going to strain the relationship more. I'm not sure what you mean by "compare her activities with you." A little bit of empathy for her and some "I" language, such as "I need some alone time right now to collect my thoughts" instead of "you have to stop bickering with me, you're driving me crazy" can go a long way. Also, does she have a diary or some other creative outlet, maybe you could engage in something like that together?
    Bellarose0212

    Answer by Bellarose0212 at 4:27 AM on Sep. 21, 2010

  • You aren't in her life to be her friend. You are her parent and you need to be her parent like you have been doing. You need to be there for her in a parent friend way but not her friend keep her aware that you are always there for her and you always have open ears for her but you need tobe her MOTHER not her FRIEND.
    raemommy

    Answer by raemommy at 6:42 AM on Sep. 21, 2010

  • never slap her that isnt the right way to go about it ... she will end up resenting you and her behavior will get worse i speak from experience i was done that way as a teen
    Kittty_Katt

    Answer by Kittty_Katt at 10:18 AM on Sep. 21, 2010

  • 1st .. ur not her friend ur her mother.....
    2nd.. slapping makes it harder for her to come to u...
    3rd.. talk,talk,talk....
    something or someone is bothering her......
    Cynt1020

    Answer by Cynt1020 at 1:54 PM on Sep. 21, 2010

  • I don't understand why people think its acceptable for kids to be disrespectful to thier parents while going through adolescents...doesn't make sense to me and I have 7 children ranges from ages 4 to 30 years old and althoug they gave me and thier dad problems, NEVER did they disrespect us...I guess because they knew the limits...anywho...why would you slap your daughter?

    Secondly, parenting classes sounds like the best solution to your problems with your children. There, you'll recieve insight on how to deal with each child on thier level...
    mom2mybabes

    Answer by mom2mybabes at 4:14 PM on Sep. 21, 2010

  • sailor said it best!
    alexis_06

    Answer by alexis_06 at 2:00 AM on Sep. 22, 2010

  • I'm not trying to suggest that she accept that she's being disrespectful - just the opposite. She shouldn't try to be her friend, or to think that if she (the mom) tries hard enough, that her dd is going to act like the sweet, loving kid that she was - that girls this age, while we love them, are not "lovable". They have attitudes, they get mad, they "hate their parents for ruining their lives" - all that stuff. And as parents, we need to set the rules, set the boundaries, and not get sucked into that whole "I've got to appease them so that they like me" trap.

    I'm saying stand firm as a parent, and this, too, will pass.
    sailorwifenmom

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 2:02 AM on Sep. 22, 2010

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