Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

1 Bump

confronting an addict

how to go about it
what things to NOT say
what thing to always include

this will be in couples therapy today (2nd one-could very well be the last one)
he has sexual addiction porn addiction

at first theray, therspist did ask if he was addicted, of course he said no, that was weeks ago and this time it will come up again

addiction is addiction, so if you have any thoughts for me on how to handle it, would appreciate your input. he is not admitting of course, but i know and i think therapist is not fooled even after one session

any help, i do not know much about addiction on how best to handle it.
p.s. I am ready to leave (in my head, not heart of course)


Asked by fiatpax at 9:45 AM on Sep. 21, 2010 in Relationships

Level 46 (221,572 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (11)
  • We did an intervention with a family friend addicted to pain pills. We were told to talk about the consequences of the behavior, how it impacted us, the financial stress, and how we saw her (as an addict). We never said "you are a bad person," we said "your addiction is ruining your life and hurting those around you." Good luck to you.

    Answer by Scuba at 9:48 AM on Sep. 21, 2010

  • set firm healthy boundaries that YOU can live with. and stick to them. i would let the therapist take most of the lead. but you need to decide you bottom line for what you need to do FOR YOU to be healthy in this.

    Answer by BlacksheepSati at 9:49 AM on Sep. 21, 2010

  • Until hubby admits/realizes his addiction and is willing to deal with it, I really don't think there's much that anybody else can do for him. My advice to you is to make sure you are not enabling him in any way (co-dependency is common in all kinds of addiction) and I would urge you to continue therapy on your own even if he isn't willing. Good luck.

    Answer by FootballMom85 at 9:51 AM on Sep. 21, 2010

  • I wish you the best. My cousin has had her child taken away due to the high amount of drugs in her system when she was born and she still refuses to see shes an addict.

    Answer by Misteh at 9:49 AM on Sep. 21, 2010

  • thanks sucba, you always have wise word
    i will remember to use the action/addiction when saying how it is hurting the family
    and not say he is hurting, or he is ___
    that is great advice
    or do i just say how it is hurting me and not speak for the kids?? our daughter is three and this addiction will break up the family so it affects her too

    Comment by fiatpax (original poster) at 9:51 AM on Sep. 21, 2010

  • i would let the therapist take most of the lead

    excellent, i do tend to ramble on (lol)
    do i bring up sex thing right away after some chit chat about what going on since last session, i will try to let him speak first, he does not communicate well

    first and only session, sex came up and therapist said that we will not touch that subject yet (she felt alot to deal with-like his way he seemed not to be into relationship)
    so this time, i think we have to talk about the sex thing because he put ultimatium on me about his fetish issue, do it or get out...
    this makes it something that has to be talked about TODAY, a partner can not do that without other partner saying "see ya"

    Comment by fiatpax (original poster) at 9:54 AM on Sep. 21, 2010

  • Absolutely talk about how this is hurting you, I don't know about speaking for your daughter unless she has witnessed him being cruel to you (saying mean things, ignoring you, etc.) If she has seen him behave badly, I would mention it. He needs to know how his behavior is affecting her as well.

    We did a "mirror" exercise with the drug addict - we acted as we've seen her act. I don't know if your therapist would do that in session, but I think it was effective in our case. She was shocked at how we saw her. She denied it that evening, but weeks later said that she was horrified that she was capable of her awful behavior.

    Hugs, fiatpax. This has been an awfully rough road for you.

    Answer by Scuba at 10:07 AM on Sep. 21, 2010

  • thank you scuba, always look for your replies - always thoughtful and wise

    could no do a reinactment, because all he does is sit at computer and watch porn, not much action there
    but it is his ultimatium of do it or leave that is what needs to come up
    the fact that he is willing to lose me and our daughter over what he want to play out from porm that is very telling to me

    at first and only other session, therapist did see how he was "not in this relationship" and spoke to him about it, he did admit that he does things (not the sex stuff) but other things that are acting like he is single, and he did admit (from therapist mentioning) that he may have done things to subconsoiusly make me leave- would be easier than dealing with a relationship and trying also to have his fetish crap, both are not compatable, you can not be single and be in a committed relationship

    he is very 50/50 gemini
    lately single guy is winning

    Comment by fiatpax (original poster) at 10:16 AM on Sep. 21, 2010

  • I told my ex that I loved him but could not allow him to put a substance before me and our son. I told him that i would never make him shoose between the substance and his son, he could be in his life as much as he wanted...However he did have to choose between me and the substance. He tried for about a week then it won

    Answer by gypsymama532 at 2:16 PM on Sep. 21, 2010

  • The first step is admitting he has the problem, If he can't openly admit it than he will not be able to fix it, that is the key for any addiction that you have to admit you have a problem.

    Answer by rebelchickrocks at 4:46 PM on Sep. 21, 2010