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Sexually abused. Overprotective

I was sexually abused as a child. I had counselling in my teens. The problem is that I'm now so overprotective of my daughter. She's 6 months old and I'm too scared to let her visit family without me being present. Even my own family. I worry about what I'll become as she gets older. I don't want to be the crazy, overpowering mom. Anybody who experienced the same thing and overcame it? If so, how?

 
CassyzMom

Asked by CassyzMom at 8:02 AM on Sep. 23, 2010 in General Parenting

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Answers (9)
  • cont

    But, while I was teaching them all these things, I also absolutely refused to not let them have a normal, happy life - getting to go to sleepovers, getting to visit with friends, go to camp, etc. Because for me, the people that abused me (emotionally abused and neglected by my father, physically abused by a stepfather, and sexually abused by a grandfather - all the abuse lasted yrs, and I, too, had counseling). Anyway - for me, the people that abused me robbed me of a HUGE part of my childhood, and if I allow that abuse to make me basically keep my kids under lock and key, and be way over the top overprotective, then I'm letting them rob my children of theirs, too. I couldn't stop them from taking my childhood, but I REFUSED to let them steal my childrens.

    That being said, I have to admit, at 6 mos, I wouldn't be leaving my kid very much either if I had a choice (I understand having to work, etc).
    sailorwifenmom

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 8:12 AM on Sep. 23, 2010

  • I was abused. The way I overcame it was I worked very hard to make sure I educated my kids - talking to them, going over "what ifs", good touch, bad touch, and always teaching them proper terms for body parts in a way that showed that there wasn't anything wrong, mysterious, or dirty about those parts (so that they would always feel comfortable about talking to me about anything). There's proof that kids who use/ know the real names for their sexual organs are less likely to be abused - so that's another reason I did it.

    I also taught them that it's always ok to NOT want to hug, kiss, etc anyone - no matter what the relation, or how it "might hurt __'s feelings if you don't kiss them bye..." etc.

    I make a point of getting to know the people they know and are around - yes, they could still be abused, but I know them, I talk to them and the kids, I know what's going on, and I trust my gut.

    cont
    sailorwifenmom

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 8:07 AM on Sep. 23, 2010

  • For me, the issues don't ever go away. You don't "overcome it". You get through it. I feel like as soon as I've got that licked, I get put in my place again. Every couple of years I need to go to counseling just to sort out my feelings, and I'm okay with that. Some of the things we do are so deeply imbedded it doesn't just come out in one shot. Yes there I times I need to step back and realize that I'm projecting my own issues onto my child. Once I step back and realize my child is handling whatever it mey be just fine, I have better perspedtive. Your children are young and you have plenty of time to sort this out! It doesn't mean you will be like this in the future. She's only 6 mos old, it's still new to you.
    Musicmom80

    Answer by Musicmom80 at 8:31 AM on Sep. 23, 2010

  • Do you think counseling worked when you were a teen? Why not try it now?

    inkedrunner

    Answer by inkedrunner at 8:03 AM on Sep. 23, 2010

  • I was also abused and by more than one person. You are right to be protective over who watches your kids! For example my friends sister is awesome with kids and would trust her to watch my kids any day!! BUT, her husband is serving 7 years in prison for abusing children. I would never have guessed!! Until your daughter can speak there is nothing wrong with being protective. There are so many people who have been abused themselves and will NEVER tell a soul. These same people will never get the help they need and may hurt others as a result. Until your daughter is at the age that you can teach her what is right and wrong then only leave her with people you ABSOLUTLY trust. For example your mom, your siblings people that you have spent your life with and know they did not hurt you and can be trusted. My son is 12 and I still worry about his friends fathers. But I have talks with him! Also its important...
    AmyLynn5398

    Answer by AmyLynn5398 at 8:33 AM on Sep. 23, 2010

  • important to teach in a healthy matter, what is right and wrong. Not to instill a paranoid view that us that have been abused feel. Your feelings may never go away but you can help to reduce the chances of it happening to your children!
    AmyLynn5398

    Answer by AmyLynn5398 at 8:41 AM on Sep. 23, 2010

  • I think you can never be too protective anymore. I wouldn't be obsessed about it, but would be very vigil in protecting my DD. It's a crazy world out there, don't be so hard on yourself.

    zbee

    Answer by zbee at 8:45 AM on Sep. 23, 2010

  • I am also a survivor of sexual abuse i to am overprotective. I hate it but i am vigilant in protecting my kids so they don't get hurt
    sherryb1273

    Answer by sherryb1273 at 9:36 AM on Sep. 23, 2010

  • I too was sexual abused more than once and sex is a constant conversation in my house since they were little. I always talked about appropriate touching, to come to me if someone tries to touch them and they are uncomfortable, that it is okay to say no to anyone if they don't want to be hugged, kissed or anything. I don't think you can educate too much, at the same time you have to let them live their life and be out in the world.
    I always monitored when children were over, to make sure nothing inappropriate was going on. I was selective about the age of other children in relations to mine (ie a 13 yr old is coming over to play with my 8-9 yr old). I also recently told my 16yr old I was molested as a child when the topic came up and explained the effects on me and the potential other people he knows could be going through this as well, it impacts some women for a lifetime and its important to be understanding.
    blessedwboysx3

    Answer by blessedwboysx3 at 10:37 AM on Sep. 23, 2010

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