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Worry or not to worry?

My husband was married before me, and was cheated on by the ex. Now everytime I don't answer my phone or I'm gone longer than he thinks I should have been he gets upset. Anytime I don't want to have sex for a period of time he thinks I am cheating. This has been going on for 8 years now.

How should I handle this?

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Alysa505

Asked by Alysa505 at 8:04 AM on Sep. 23, 2010 in Relationships

Level 9 (311 Credits)
Answers (9)
  • I think maybe you guys should seek some counseling. He sounds like he has deeply unresolved issues with trust leftover from his first wife. I'm sure it's stressful on your end and if anything you can learn how to communicate with your husband more effectively to drive home the point that you're faithful! Good luck!
    marine_wife0520

    Answer by marine_wife0520 at 8:06 AM on Sep. 23, 2010

  • communication - communication - communication - sit down and have a long talk with him about this - and not in the bedroom - tell it to him like it is - you are NOT his ex and he should never compare you to her - make him see the light - or walk away from somebody who does not trust you and treats you this way..
    kaysimon132461

    Answer by kaysimon132461 at 8:07 AM on Sep. 23, 2010

  • I had a partner that was the same way and it was suffocating.

    Just keep trying to reassure him but at the same time let him know that his paranoia will hurt your relationship. Tell him you understand WHY he feels this way but that you are faithful and respect your relationship with him.
    inkedrunner

    Answer by inkedrunner at 8:07 AM on Sep. 23, 2010

  • PUT YOUR DARN FOOT DOWN. healthy boundaries. and he is crossing all limits here. you need to talk to him SERIOUSLY about the fact that YOU ARE NOT HER, her does not OWN you, and if this marriage cannot be about trust and respect then he needs THERAPY
    BlacksheepSati

    Answer by BlacksheepSati at 8:08 AM on Sep. 23, 2010

  • I think time heals alot of wounds...time builds trust, I understand it has been 8 years, so do what you can. If it were me, I would tell him to check up on me. Try and answer your phone as much as possible, and tell him to randomly follow you around or something. If you have nothing to hide, if shouldn't matter, and soon he should realize you aren't doing anything and get tired of worrying about it. Don't leave you husband because of this...people are so quick to tell others to end their marraige over anything and everything. There are definately worse things, and counseling might help.
    momof3josephs

    Answer by momof3josephs at 8:12 AM on Sep. 23, 2010

  • I agree with all answers so far. We have done the therapy thing for a while actually and all was good for a while. We just moved back to my home town and I have a lot of history here ( meaning there are a lot of guys here that have wanted me for years and they don'e try to hide it). So now he has started again. I have let him know many times that I am not his ex! And it is suffocatting. I feel I can't do much without checking in with him.

    Here lately when he brings it up I just start laughing at him and tell him this is his prob not mine. I can't control how he feels or what he thinks.
    Alysa505

    Comment by Alysa505 (original poster) at 8:14 AM on Sep. 23, 2010

  • Sit down and have a good long talk with him. Tell him how you feel. I've seen this in reverse with a friend married 4 years and she is the one with trust issues.. And I've also seen a relative off mine in a marriage for 32 years and the husband is still jealous and wants to know her every move although she has never had eyes for anyone but him. I dont know how she does it, going through that all the time. Get him back into therapy if you can. And because you are on your turf, stop mentioning all the guys who want you. Make it a point to never talk to them unless your husband is nearby and show him he has nothing to worry about.
    duckigrrl

    Answer by duckigrrl at 8:38 AM on Sep. 23, 2010

  • To duckirrl...I would never mention all the guys that want me. It is obvisious when they approach me with him right next to me. I have nothing to do with these men...they are all lame!! He always has a comment after the person leaves. like (I know he wants you I can see it in his eyes the way he looks at you) things like that. I just tell him oh yea honey everyone wants Alysa....you have yourself a fine woman and brush it off
    Alysa505

    Comment by Alysa505 (original poster) at 8:43 AM on Sep. 23, 2010

  • Sorry to tell you this it does not get any better... I have tried everything mentioned and it just got worse and worse... found out later he was the one cheating.
    kamore

    Answer by kamore at 10:33 AM on Sep. 23, 2010

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