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Can I trust my spouse ?

I have a spouse that looks at porn a lot. A while a go I caught him looking at what looked like underage women/girls, when I confronted him about it he said that was a dark area of his life and that he does not do that anymore. I have seen him checking out women when we are out, I have seen him looking at young girls(as in under the age of consent). He says he looks at all this and thinks of me and how I am the same or different, I think this is a awful excuse. Is this normal? Does anyone else see there spouses doing this? Should I be concerned that he has a problem. I feel very anxious about this and that I can't trust him with our 3 young children. I worry that he might have a problem that borders on illegal and that he might be hurting my children. I have heard that it is best to trust my instincts in this matter, specially when it involves my children, my doc says don't ruin a relationship when you can't know for sure....

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sweetmum4

Asked by sweetmum4 at 8:23 AM on Sep. 23, 2010 in Relationships

Level 3 (14 Credits)
Answers (14)
  • You are the only one who knows hubby well enough to know whether to trust or not, if I were you I would look deeper into his past and see what you can find.
    older

    Answer by older at 8:29 AM on Sep. 23, 2010

  • I think I would insist on him getting counseling / getting it with you, so you can work this out. Yes, he's probably going to be upset (I wouldn't mention the whole not sure if you can trust him around your kids thing just yet, unless you have something more to go on than he was looking at porn - but I would keep my eyes open to the situation). Tell him flat out that you love him, and you understand that this was a low point in his life, but that your actions have repercussions - and in this case, it means that you need the re-assurance that this isn't something you need to be worried about - especially when coupled with him checking out these girls and women... I would tell him that if he loved me and was serious that this wasn't a problem, then he shouldn't mind doing this to give me peace of mind.

    Make sure you tell the counselor all about all of it, so they can help form an honest assessment of how safe it is.
    sailorwifenmom

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 8:29 AM on Sep. 23, 2010

  • I would think the porn is normal, however the young girl part is not. I would be worried about that. When it comes to your kids, if you feel they are in harms way I would leave, if you just got these suspicions after knowing he has looked at porn, then I would question why you started having these thoughts. Have you ever noticed any inappropriate behaviors from him towards your children, or any changes in attitudes or your kids demeanor while around him? I would look for things like that. The problem is, some pron have very young looking girls, however if they are under 18 than he is in possession of child pornography and that is illegal, I think I would do more investigating.

    sheloveearth

    Answer by sheloveearth at 8:30 AM on Sep. 23, 2010

  • By the way - whether he ever acts on it or not, child porn is a crime, and it's not a "victimless" one - those children are being abused and traumatized - and, "low point" or not, it was wrong. I would be very careful - because whether or not he touches your kids, if that stuff is in your house, there's a chance that eventually the kids will find it. There's also a very good and very real chance that he will get caught, and that he will go to prison for it. And if they think that you were aware / a part of it, etc, and didn't do anything about it, you could also face charges and stuff... which wouldn't be good for your kids, either.

    Good luck, and I'm sorry you're in this situation. :-(
    sailorwifenmom

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 8:32 AM on Sep. 23, 2010

  • I think the 'underage' porn( at least from his excuse) was women 18 or older who looked a lot like young girls, my issue is that he was interested in looking at someone who kinda looks like a underage girl. When I catch him on facebook, or look at his computer history I see that he has been looking at the profile pictures of a lot of family members that are underage.....
    sweetmum4

    Comment by sweetmum4 (original poster) at 8:35 AM on Sep. 23, 2010

  • I am very aware of my childrens behaviour, I have many reasons to be anxious about him being around them, behaviour has been questionable at times with my kids, I have 1 year old twins, and how can I say that they aren't acting out not because I left then alone with him, but because they are teething? How do I know that this isn't from my own past? Its so FRUSTRATING! I have talked to doctors too and they all tell me unless there is some real signs of abuse, nothing I can do :(
    sweetmum4

    Comment by sweetmum4 (original poster) at 8:39 AM on Sep. 23, 2010

  • It sounds like you should run for the hills. Being interested in young children isn't a "low point", it is a fetish, whether the girls are over 18 or not. How old is he? My husband is only 26, and he says 18 year olds are like children, he would never want to have sex with one. You know in your gut that there is something wrong....your children have to be protected.
    momof3josephs

    Answer by momof3josephs at 8:41 AM on Sep. 23, 2010

  • Looking at porn that is legal women who are just making themselves up to LOOK underage is one thing. but the fact that you are noticiing him LOOKING , and i know what you mean by this, at UNDER AGE GIRLS OUT IN PUBLIC IS ALARM BELL SOUNDING MATERIAL. seriously. there is ssomething very very very wrong . My ex is serving 53 years hard time for being a pedophile. i was with him for 4 years. I thought I had no clue, but when i looked back I realized his preocupation with younger fragile vulnerable young girls, i once found a porno on his computer that was a VERY OBVIOUSLY underage girl. he swore it was an accidental download with some othes he got and deleted it. Maybe i didnt want to see the truth? but there were signs. Not all men interested in younger women, underage girls are going to be a danger to BABIES/toddlers/ pre puberty girls etc. most men and women who are pedos from what i know , are interested usually MAINLY ....
    BlacksheepSati

    Answer by BlacksheepSati at 8:43 AM on Sep. 23, 2010

  • cont...in a partiular age range. even so. if he gets BUSTED for underage ANYTHING. YOU COULD LOST YOUR CHILDREN. so please, this isnt something to ERR ON THE SIDE OF INNOCENT TILL PROVEN GUILTY. your gut is telling you something is wrongb. take action
    BlacksheepSati

    Answer by BlacksheepSati at 8:44 AM on Sep. 23, 2010

  • what if I leave with out the knowledge that he has done something and then he demands visitation?
    sweetmum4

    Comment by sweetmum4 (original poster) at 8:49 AM on Sep. 23, 2010

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