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10 Bumps

Worried about my marriage, fear being honest with husband. adult content

I don't know if I'm exactly normal in what I need from my husband, but I need some affection, some thoughtfulness and to be wanted (sexually) sometimes. I have told him this many, many times. I have been very clear in articulating my needs to him. I know he cares, but he never puts forth any effort in correcting the problem, and I don't know how to make myself stop needing these things from him. The problem always rears it's head over again and it's always centered around sex. He needs me to always be the initiator, which makes me feel like he never wants me, and if we can't have sex (like now, I just had a baby) then it seems he wants nothing to do with me. He won't even fool around, it doens't interest him in the slightest.

I have reached a point that I feel like something's gotta give. It's been 5 years of this. I can't change, he can't change. CONT

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 5:19 PM on Sep. 23, 2010 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (28)
  • Here's what my views based on what you share.

    There is some serious communication break down between the 2 of you. Yes, you may be sharing what you need want. But he may not be comprehending what you are sharing. His communication style is most likely different than yours. He may be hearing you, but he may not be comprehending you.

    Also. When you talk to him, do you tell him "I need romance..I need affection".. or are you giving exact examples of what you feel/view those things are? Many couples run into this problem. One feels their needs arent' being met in this area. So they develop ill feelings.. One feels they are doing those things, but those things aren't being recognized. So ill feelings develop. This could be what's happening with the 2 of you. The 2 of you most likely do not have the same ideals in regards to: what is romantic, what is woo'ing, what is showing that you are desired, needed..etc.

    Cont. below
    pixie_trix

    Answer by pixie_trix at 5:27 PM on Sep. 23, 2010

  • Keep the honest communication open at all times. Has your hubby been checked for low testosterone? If it's not a medical issue, I can only guess that it's fear of rejection- if he asks & you're not in the mood. And most guys dont like to just fool around. Once you've "activated the launch sequence" - they cant stop themselves. (They did enough of that in high school!) Hang in there. Im sure you will work things out. If after the Dr. clears you for sex, things dont improve, then get counseling- and have him tested for the low testosterone levels too. Good luck- and congrats on the new baby!
    mrsmom110

    Answer by mrsmom110 at 5:24 PM on Sep. 23, 2010

  • You need to tell him that if this problem isn't fixed, that your marriage is at stake. I could not handle always being the initiator, that would really bother me. BUT, some guys are that way.
    samurai_chica

    Answer by samurai_chica at 5:23 PM on Sep. 23, 2010

  • I'm having that problem too.... I understand my SO is 10 years older than me ( I'm 22 he's 32) so maybe that is the cause but I never feel wanted... I get more attention from my friends then him lol so if you can find the solution let me know lol I'm about to start putting Viagra in his food haha
    June_Mama09

    Answer by June_Mama09 at 5:25 PM on Sep. 23, 2010

  • When you find out...let me know...

    Good Luck!
    tiger_tatted1

    Answer by tiger_tatted1 at 5:25 PM on Sep. 23, 2010

  • When a couple views/interprets these things differently. But they really do not fully understand that they do. Miscommunication and ill feelings happen easily. Ex: you may find a bedroom laiden with rose petal to be romantic and a sign he wants you.. So when you do not get this type of thing when you tell him you "need" romance, it hurts you. He may find walking up and grabbing your ass to be showing that he wants you. So when he does that, and you do not respond in the manner he's hoping. It hurts him... See what I mean.

    Now. Since I don't know you or your husband personally. I am in no way saying that this is most definitely what is happening. I'm just sharing that this does happen and is common and MAY be happening.

    Open up the communication lines. This is the man you intended on spending you life with. You should be able to comfortable and safely discuss anything and everything with him.
    pixie_trix

    Answer by pixie_trix at 5:30 PM on Sep. 23, 2010

  • I can definitely understand where "actions speak louder than words" in this type of situation. BTDT (married 25 years.. BTDT a whole lot in a whole lot of different areas... LOL). And how it's making you feel.

    Kudos to you for communicating so openly. It's a hard thing for many women to do. So even though things are rough now, and your not sure what's going on, do your best to keep that communication open. Try not to let yourself "shut down".KWIM.

    How about his blood pressure? Diet & exercise? Job-stressful/physical labor/mentally draining? Medications? Depression or stress? These are just some of the things that can affect the male libido. A man's libido can be affected by these things just like woman. However. They just do not talk about it or express it well enough for us to really know what's going on with them.
    pixie_trix

    Answer by pixie_trix at 5:43 PM on Sep. 23, 2010

  • There is not a breakdown of communication. He just chooses not to listen to you. That's sad. Many men think they run the show and that women will adapt and "get over it". You sound very serious to me. My SO is a hard headed ole mule sometimes but when I've had enough I flat out tell him, FIX IT or I'm GONE. He always fixes it. Yes, he sometimes reverts to his old ways but I remind him what's at stake.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 6:29 PM on Sep. 23, 2010

  • june mama...age in your relationship shouldnt be a problem...He is still young and should be wanting you all the time. Something is odd there..How long have you guys been together? My husband is 21 years older than me..Im 22..Hes 43...Weve been together for 7 years...Things are slower but he still wants me..

    And viagra is just going to make it stay up..Not make him want some. Lol.
    tiger_tatted1

    Answer by tiger_tatted1 at 5:28 PM on Sep. 23, 2010

  • Ours is just the opposite of what you said he wants me and I can't seem to give him any of what you want that's what he wants we are both older people and have been together for like 12 years. I jsut don't want him the same any more He has the romantic nerve in his body he is always wanting to please me but I just don't feel the need to please him. I am at a stale point in my life and some of what I am learning about his past isn't making things any easier.
    Maybe try counseling and see if that helps while we have done the couseling thing and I think my dh uderstands he just doesn't understand either. Good Luck!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:42 PM on Sep. 23, 2010