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3 Bumps

Does he have a valid point or is he being controlling?

Me and my boyfriend are expecting in May and we are both very excited. I have not told my Mom yet because she does not like my boyfriend. My Mom feels like he controls my life. I don't feel controlled at all! Now he says that I when I talk to my mom I need to tell her that he is more then just my boyfriend now, that he is the father of my child. And that he will not tolerate being disrespected and will allow her to disrespect me. He says now that I am carrying his child he and our baby should be top priority. And he wants me to tell her that if she can't accept the situation that he will move me to another state and she will not see me or her grandchild. Is he over reacting or just trying to protect me? Or is he really just controlling me?

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rykysangel

Asked by rykysangel at 10:09 AM on Sep. 24, 2010 in Pregnancy

Level 2 (5 Credits)
Answers (21)
  • The part about moving you aways IS VERY controlling. My FIL still doesn't like me for reasons I do not understand and would talk bad about me all of the time. I told my husband (then fiance) that if he couldn't defend me that I couldn't be with him. He stood up for me and his dad never said anything ever again.
    Misteh

    Answer by Misteh at 10:11 AM on Sep. 24, 2010

  • The not seeing you are her grandchild part is a huge red flag to me. I was in a very abusive controlling relationship for several years, and that sounds almost word for word like some of the things he said to me about my parents.
    hobbitswife04

    Answer by hobbitswife04 at 10:11 AM on Sep. 24, 2010

  • And he wants me to tell her that if she can't accept the situation that he will move me to another state and she will not see me or her grandchild.

    This is controlling! He cannot limit the amount of time that you or your baby see your mom. If you let him, then you are allowing him to control you.

    As for the issues between them, they need to work that out and him saying these things is not helping that cause.

    He is right that the baby should be a top priority but he should still be below the baby on that totem.
    Jademom07

    Answer by Jademom07 at 10:13 AM on Sep. 24, 2010

  • That is YOUR baby too. You are the mother, you are carrying this child, and you will ultimitley care for this child.
    He has some say but not all say. He is being controlling sweetie. Don't get caught up in the "he's the father of my child" so that makes him more important than your own mother, who herself gave birth to you. Think ahead to if your unborn child were in the same situation 25 years down the road. Your mother will always be there for you and love you no matter what, can you say the same for him?
    VanessaMomof2

    Answer by VanessaMomof2 at 10:21 AM on Sep. 24, 2010

  • sorry but he does sound controlling, especially saying she will never see the grandchild or you again.
    okmommy08

    Answer by okmommy08 at 10:22 AM on Sep. 24, 2010

  • Your boyfriend and your mom need to learn to get along.It is unfair to ask you to choose like that.And for the baby's happiness it would be best if everyone could be happy together(or at least be nice to each other)Tell your mom.You owe her that much.She did raise you.
    evelynwest

    Answer by evelynwest at 10:25 AM on Sep. 24, 2010

  • oh.. well i think that you need him to undertsand that his women is your mother that will never change. he needs to think about how he would feel if the roles were reversed. i understand that he feels the need to be respected by your mother but he also needs to understand that you are your mothers child and she wants to protect you from everything as i'm sure you will with your own baby. moving you way from your family will only make things harder for the two of you especailly during this time in your life. you maybe surprise to find that your mother finds (i'll say) at least some tolerence if not respect for your man because he wants to stick around and make this family thing work... also maybe you should see if he really ment what he said somethings are said out of frustration and angry especailly if he dosen't feel like you stand behind him on the subject of getting the respect he feels he needs
    motherfirefly1

    Answer by motherfirefly1 at 10:25 AM on Sep. 24, 2010

  • I would watch yourself. Abusers like to put wedges between family members and friends in order to control them fully. Moving you to another state? It sounds like you are his property or something. I wouldn't move to another state with him. Sounds like he's got plans.
    Musicmom80

    Answer by Musicmom80 at 10:26 AM on Sep. 24, 2010

  • I don't think you should have to choose your BF or your mom. Both are important to you, especially once you have a child. He does sound very controlling. I think you need to have talks with both of them. You have got to let your mom know you are pregnant (she'll notice eventually!) And then let her know how much her support will mean to you and the baby. Then explain that you don't expect her to like your BF, but she does need to accept him as the father of the baby and as someone you care about.

    As for your BF, let him know that you will never allow him to forbid your mother from seeing her grandchild! Seriously! How is that protecting you? You need the support, love and experience she can give you. If you are going to have a child, you are going to need to stand up to him, have some fights (but learn how to fight fair) and make decisions together. These are characteristics of a healthy relationship.
    mellonhead

    Answer by mellonhead at 10:28 AM on Sep. 24, 2010

  • I'm seeing all kinds of red flags here. Don't let him psh you around. Your mom is just trying to watch out for you.
    nicole_Evans

    Answer by nicole_Evans at 10:32 AM on Sep. 24, 2010

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