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When do you stop "saving" your adult child?

My oldest daughter is 24 and moves from one person to another, male, female, she doesn't know who she is anymore. She always calls me crying when her luck runs out but won't listen to my advice. I gave the handouts for a long time and now they've stopped. She says she just wants me to listen, but how can I not offer her a place to stay while she gets on her feet? I really don't want her in my home for many reasons. I feel like a failure as a mom, and I feel like she is needing more help than I can give her. What's the next step?

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IndyDependent

Asked by IndyDependent at 7:10 PM on Oct. 20, 2008 in Adult Children (18+)

Level 1 (0 Credits)
Answers (21)
  • Just listen to her if that's all she wants. Don't give her handouts. She's 24 years old and needs to figure things out for herself. It's not bad ot help her out when she really needs it but when it becomes a common thing, it's only enabling her. Is she a Christian? Maybe it would be good for her to find God...
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:15 PM on Oct. 20, 2008

  • Do not feel like a failure as a mom. Sometimes when we do the right thing and raise them correctly they still choose to rebel and do the opposite of what they have been taught.  She's 24...sometimes you have to let go and let them learn from there mistakes.  You've tried to advise her and she has not followed it.  Love her but now she has to be an adult and figure it out for herself.  Sometimes that will make them wake-up and realize what they need to do.  Been there done that and I put it in God's hands... and now it's fixed.

    bonn777

    Answer by bonn777 at 7:19 PM on Oct. 20, 2008

  • She's an adult. If she's not taking your advice then woe to her. It would be different if she were going to school and trying to better her life. From the sound of it she's content on living like this. You just need to be firm with her. Tell her you love her but she's not coming back into the nest. Don't feel obligated to give her things. You may be her mother but you've given her the info on how to live and she hasn't listened.
    MarlyeGirl

    Answer by MarlyeGirl at 7:21 PM on Oct. 20, 2008

  • I hate to say it.. but some kids just suck. I have a BIL about that age, and he is just worthless. All the other kids are great, except him. And his parents just keep taking him in and enableling him over and over again. Be there emotionally, but to heck with the rest!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:34 PM on Oct. 20, 2008

  • Man it is hard not to want to run to the rescue Mama however that does nothing to help her learn. it is true what they say about a person having to hit rock bottom before they want to make some changes...
    I would continue to give her your words of wisdom and your love but nothing else. People have to learn that when you make poor choices you get poor results... and those who make good choices (usually the harder of the two) you get good results. With each of those good choices she will gain come self respect and insite as to who she is. The feel good from those good choices usually result in more good choices... Good luck to you
    mamakirs

    Answer by mamakirs at 8:24 PM on Oct. 20, 2008

  • I think she needs to know that you love her and want the best for her. Then, that you know it's time for her to depend less on you and more on herself. Encourage her to go to counseling for help rather than to you. If you can help her pay for it for a year, do so. Let her know she is welcome to visit or meet you for lunch but only to talk about the good things going on in life. It's ok to set boundries and by doing so, you will be helping her in the long run.
    manna1qd

    Answer by manna1qd at 9:29 PM on Oct. 20, 2008

  • Their is a time when she has to under stand that she needs to get her act together,,at 24 ,,she hasn't yet?? She's grow she needs to start acting like one..Grow adults dont go running to mommies house..
    louise2

    Answer by louise2 at 10:29 AM on Oct. 21, 2008

  • She says she just wants you to listen - so listen. Don't offer advice unless she actually asks for it. Don't offer a place to stay or money, even if she does ask for it. When you do give advice, phrase it as "Well, I only know what you've told me. This is what I think I would do if it was me."
    kaycee14

    Answer by kaycee14 at 12:11 PM on Oct. 21, 2008

  • Listen to her when she needs to talk but if you give her money or a place to stay she will never grow up and she will never learn, you will only be a failure if you keep giving in to her when she won't do anything for herself.
    sammiesmom2000

    Answer by sammiesmom2000 at 12:20 PM on Oct. 21, 2008

  • Listen, offer advice when asked. But at 24 she should be on her own, barring special circumstances ( I stayed with my folks while my now ex was in bootcamp/AIT for the army). Time to let her learn on her own unless her life is in danger.
    MysticFerret

    Answer by MysticFerret at 1:48 PM on Oct. 21, 2008

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