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How do I "deal" with my step-kids?

I am expecting twins, and my fiance already has two children from a previous relationship. Whenever they are around, I feel like I am intruding on his time with them, and i dont quite know how to go about handling them. What is the most diplomatic way I can interact with and discipline them with out being chastized by either my fiance or their mother?

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Asked by DoubleTrouble90 at 11:19 AM on Oct. 21, 2008 in Relationships

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Answers (18)
  • You should deal with them as though they are your own. They are a part of your family now, they need to see that you love them and want to spend time with them. If you don't feel comfortable discipling them yet sit them down and explain what they did wrong and leave the rest to your husband. It's probally hard on them too with the babies coming they are probally scared that you will treat them horribly and favor the babies. They must also worry if their dad will love his "new" family more. Include his children and start your own family traditions with them wether it's pancakes on saturday or taking a walk in the evening.

    Answer by at 11:23 AM on Oct. 21, 2008

  • You have to ask him what role he wants you to play. You ar enow the mother of his children and he is either going to want you to play an active role in his other kids lives or a passive one. If he wants it to be a passive one, do not discipline them, don't correct them, don't cook for them don't but htem things cause frankly telling you to back off is just plain nasty. If he agrees you need to take an active role in their lives, do so. Interact with them, discipline them, do all of the things you would do for your bio kids. You are in a union now and should be on a united front with your SO. You're going to be around for quite awhile and his other kids had better get used to you being around.

    Answer by tat2edmommyof2 at 11:25 AM on Oct. 21, 2008

  • I agree that you need to speak with your fiance. Ask him if he wants you to take part in their discipline, and to what extent. If he doesn't want you to take that "mother" role with them, then don't...but let it be known that he will be responsible for their needs while they are with you. If he wants you to be active in their lives, then treat them as if they were your children. Let him handle everything with their bio mother also. I found that route to be much easier than trying to deal with her myself!

    Answer by KennsWifey at 11:28 AM on Oct. 21, 2008

  • What my BF and I do at times is have him have time with his girls alone..(I have a 4 year old too)
    So sometimes he just goes out and does things with his twin 6 year olds. I think it is good for him to have time with them separate from us. As far as the discipline you and your fiance need to be on the same page. You should beable to discipline his children and get the respect you deserve. If and when I discipline my BF's girls he always backs me up..
    If the childrens mother does not agree with you, well honestly tough shit..It is your house and your rules. If I have to I discipline my BF's daughters right infront of their mother. I will not allow them to disrespect me infront of her.
    Try to set ground rules with your fiance because if the rules of the house, and the way discipling is approached is not consistant, you may incounter future problems. You all a team and need to work together.

    Answer by Dannee at 11:29 AM on Oct. 21, 2008

  • I totally DISAGREE with Kenswify...You need to stand up and take part. His children are going to be apart of your family and need to respect you and the rules of the house...

    Answer by Dannee at 11:32 AM on Oct. 21, 2008

  • This is the way I would deal with stepkids..I would tell my husband that when his kids come over he will be their to watch them.. I would never watch... I would say to him..It is not my resposability to care for them...And thats the way it would be

    Answer by louise2 at 11:44 AM on Oct. 21, 2008

  • I think your role as a stepmom is to be a friend, an extra source of support, and someone they can turn to when they need help. I am a step-child and devoted to my step-mother. We are proof it works. She has been there for me more than my mother ever was.
    Now not every mom is as terrible as my bio- mom, but you can still be there for them.
    I agree that you should ask your husband what role he expects of you as their step-mother. You don't want to overstep your bounds. And you certianly don't want to alienate the children. I also agree that you should make sure they follow the rules and know what is expected of them. But it's a tricky tight-rope. But it can work, so don't give up. Don't lose your temper, always work with kindness and calmness.

    Answer by evilabbysmom at 11:47 AM on Oct. 21, 2008

  • i think you should have the right to be the mom at your house. what ever that consist of discipline them cook clean every thing ..... it's hard being a step parent but you have to have rules that go for all the children so i say be firm but fair.... i dont spank my step kids but i do time out... DH does the spanking when needed.

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:55 AM on Oct. 21, 2008

  • There's not a one-size-fits-all answer for step-parenting, it's whatever works for you and your family. I think it's good for them to continue to have one-on-one time with dad sometimes, but also to have a relationship with you if they are going to be spending time in your household too. Talk to your husband about it, if the kids are old enough involve them in the conversation too.

    Answer by riotgrrl at 12:22 PM on Oct. 21, 2008

  • first off - ask your DH how he would like you to discipline them & if you follow how he says then you shouldnt have anything to worry from their mother because you have a fall back

    second - treat them like your own, they will appreciate you for it (even if they scream "your not my mom" in the long run they know you meant best)

    third - relax, all confrontations will be the same regardless if they realy are "your" kids, every parent recieves an "i hate you" at least once


    Answer by vakatia at 12:40 PM on Oct. 21, 2008

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