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2 Bumps

How can I get my husband to pay more attention/show more interest?

Hi ladies..I have been married for going on ten years now. I would say for the last 4 months, he seems uninterested for the most part in me and our marriage. He is going out with his friends more, including drinking and staying out most, if not all of the night. We have a four year old, so have to get a babysitter in advance if we go out. If I try to confront him, or communicate about it, he gets angry, says I'm triggering(from stuff he did in the past). It almost feels I'm having to "compete" with his friends and social life for his attention! We also both work full time, which makes it more difficult to spend time together. I'm trying to spice things up, which only works short term. He also seems to have little interest in intimacy lately as well. Any advice ladies? I'm really getting down, and I feel lonely in my marriage. What do you think is going on with him, and what is your advice for me to change it?? Thanks..

Answer Question

Asked by MomtoJ06 at 5:03 AM on Sep. 26, 2010 in Relationships

Level 2 (4 Credits)
Answers (9)
  • My first thought is midlife crisis... or maybe cheating... sorry, I hope it's not! He even gets rude if you just mention how you feel? That is bs and you don't deserve it! I gave you a bump so maybe someone will have some ideas, Good Luck!!

    Answer by mom2maddie06 at 5:08 AM on Sep. 26, 2010

  • I would get a hobby of your own or meet some friends do something for yourself maybe even start a playgroup for your little one. I would start to do something for myself as well. GL Momma

    Answer by pinkdragon36 at 5:18 AM on Sep. 26, 2010

  • Maybe he feels you are not interested in him and his interests. Try talking about future plans together as a family, forget the past. However, there are some men who just can't stand being "tied down" and just talking about family plans sends them running the other way. I would try counseling. If dh refuses then at least for yourself.

    Answer by momx3gx1b at 5:23 AM on Sep. 26, 2010

  • Bring up the issues again.. If he get mad again about it. You get mad right back. Throw it up in his face he is acting like a single man. And you feel like just a room mate. Tell him if he does not start acting like a married man, your DH again. Then you are going to stop acting like his wife.

    Answer by louise2 at 5:44 AM on Sep. 26, 2010

  • My hubby starting going out once a week to play cards with is best buddy and cousin. Since they started losing he stays home lol. As your dhild gets older, he will realize he can't hang with everyone all the time. My child always comes first. WHy waste time and money just because you want to hang out? 5 years from now I am positive this will not be the case. Talk to him.

    Answer by mamacita69930 at 7:54 AM on Sep. 26, 2010

  • Girl!! you and I are on the SAME boat. My husband and I have been married seven years and have two children ages four and two. i work full time and he is a SAHD. My husband says that he becomes stressed staying home with kids all day and enjoys playing pool to destress and as soon as get home, he is quick to take off with his boys four nights a week and does not return until 2:30am. I tried talking to him and explained my frustrations but he says that because he is not doing anywrong, it is ok for him to go. Bullshit!! We are not single women, we are married and they need to remember they have wifes. If you confront him again, it will not work. So i gave up and added days off to my own agenda. I told him that he goes out these days, then i will go out the other nights and i am not home before 2:30. He hates it. He can not stand that i am home late so he stopped stayout out late too. weekends are family time.

    Answer by alejandra559 at 9:36 AM on Sep. 26, 2010

  • I have tried confronting him about it, both angrily and then nicely. Anytime I do he blows up, yells, then storms out of the house for hours! He says it's the best way he cools down, but to me it seems like a good excuse to leave the house. FYI, he has cheated on me in the past, and swore he would never do that again(we almost got divorced, and I told him if I ever caught him doing that again, we would be done.) His behavior reminds me of the way he acted when he cheated, but he says I'm just triggering and that I don't trust him. It's possible it could be a midlife crisis...and if he is cheating again, then he is able to continue to lie to my face about it(and if he is, and I find out, he will get divorce papers). I have started going out with the girls more, and getting back into running and hobbies. I do almost feel he treats me like a roommate at times..and I am in counseling(he refuses to go anymore..we used to both go)..

    Comment by MomtoJ06 (original poster) at 10:46 AM on Sep. 26, 2010

  • Maybe I do need to just stop acting like a wife if he continues to do this. One of my friends said to start going out every weekend with the girls, leaving him to babysit. She said that worked when her husband started doing this to her. I love him, but feel resentful towards him, and that I am losing some of those intense feelings for him. The other advice I get is to find out his needs and meet them, show a lot of interest and respect, then he will do the same. He's a very difficult person to please though...hard to know exactly what to do. I know I am getting frustrated and upset, and feel that something is going to have to give pretty soon. He makes me feel like I am walking on eggshells when I communicate with him, and my family tells me I'm not the same happy person anymore. All of your advice is appreciated..thanks!

    Comment by MomtoJ06 (original poster) at 10:57 AM on Sep. 26, 2010

  • I would suggest Retrouvaille - it's a fabulous marriage counselling session that will break through some of these issues. If he refuses to go, then go by yourself. It's low cost, but if you can't afford it they can help you out financially there.

    Don't do the I'm not a wife now, it just gives him license to continue, and if you end up in divorce court, will hurt you financially - no, be like Caesar's wife, above reproach.

    BTW, watch the money like a hawk - you can't cheat without $$$$

    Answer by Maureenmich at 11:10 AM on Sep. 26, 2010

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