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How do I deal with a birthday party that is turning into BM vs Friends?

We have never really done a joint party for my SS with BM because she has a history of acting inappropriately. Well she asked him if we were planning and party and he told her we were. So she called here and yelled at me asking why she wasn't notified. All of the children that we have invited will be there with the exception that she is not. All the parents know both of us, and do not like her or trust her. My husband tried to explain how cool it would be to have 2 parties and then she can do her thing. She says she can't afford that and the only reason why we throw him parties is because it makes her look bad. I want him to spend the time with his friends, but I know if she isn't there, she will cry to him and tell him that he doesn't love her since he didn't invite her. Icannot ask him to choose between her and his friends, so what do I do?


Asked by Anonymous at 3:58 PM on Oct. 21, 2008 in General Parenting

This question is closed.
Answers (11)
  • Explain to the BM that this will be a children's party (emphasizing CHILDREN'S) and that NO other adults will be present, except you to supervise the children. She would look awfully silly hanging out with a bunch of kids as a guest, now wouldn't she? Then tell her you understand that she wants to share in his (emphasize HIS) special day, but that's not likely to happen with all those kids around, so why doesn't she take him somewhere special for his bday, just the two of them? Maybe a trip to a museum, the zoo, or other special place he would like to go or they could do lunch out somewhere that SS wouldn't typically be able to go, but would like to?

    Answer by mom2aspclboy at 4:17 PM on Oct. 21, 2008

  • tell her too bad so sad. If she thinks his bday is that important she can suck it up and take him out for a day of fun. Maybe a movie and mickey ds. This is a party that is about his friends. Do what is best for the child not the adult who acts like one. youve tried being sensitive now its time to be blunt

    Answer by humaniterian87 at 4:10 PM on Oct. 21, 2008

  • I agree with humaniterian - tell her this is a "friend" party, not a "family" party. Remind her that she can take him out for a special "Mom and son" dinner and movie.

    Answer by kaycee14 at 4:20 PM on Oct. 21, 2008

  • She's going to rip him apart over it. I like what Mom2aspclboy said. Maybe if she thinks she'll just be hanging around with YOU, she won't go.

    Unless she's looking for attention from her ex, then it wouldn't work and would just make you crazy.


    Tell her it's on Sunday (voice only, not written) and have it on Saturday? :D

    Answer by Avarah at 4:30 PM on Oct. 21, 2008

  • why is this even an issue -- my Lord..... she is the EX for a reason - there is NO NEED to invite her to a party YOU are throwing. Period.

    Answer by Godsmackgrl at 4:37 PM on Oct. 21, 2008

  • If the party falls during your parenting time then she is not invited. Plain and simple. She can throw a party during her time and on her dime. If she behaved appropriately I might consider inviting her. But since she can't behave, separate parties are the solution.

    Answer by Micksbabe at 4:45 PM on Oct. 21, 2008

  • Tell her the truth..that his friends parents will not allow their children to attend if she does because of her actions. It's time she faced the music about her behavior. (BTW, wasn't this an episode of My Name is Earl?)

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:50 PM on Oct. 21, 2008

  • Her request is inappropriate. Its called boundaries and you guys are enforcing them. She can find a solution to her own problem.

    Answer by LittleD96 at 7:08 PM on Oct. 21, 2008

  • How old is the child in question? I would tell her too bad so sad! What you do with him on your time is your business. She needs to do her own thing on her own time! She is just manipulating everybody concerned...she will only do it as long as you allow her to.

    Answer by salexander at 2:15 PM on Oct. 22, 2008

  • He will be 7 this year. At his 2nd birthday party, she said she couldn't come, then showed up 45 minutes late with a bunch of people he didn't know. Then his 3rd birthday she completely forgot. His 4th birthday she carried him all night while he was screaming to get down and go play with his friends. His 5th birthday she yelled at me for throwing parties to make her look bad because I could afford to and she couldn't. His 6th birthday, I took cupcakes to school for him. Then she showed up an hour later and brought ice cream (which the teacher specifically asked the parents not to bring) which make all the kids mad because they couldn't have it. DH and SS have both tried talking to her about it. She always finds out either from SS or my MIL.

    Answer by Mom1Stepmom1 at 1:49 AM on Oct. 23, 2008