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Could you ever choose between your children?

My older brother raped me almost every day for about a year when I was 9-10 yrs old. He was found out & convicted of child rape and went to juvenile detention then foster care for a year. When he got out everyone told me it was my Christian duty to forgive him and move on, and that I shouldn't break up the family. I always felt betrayed that he is still part of the family and I feel pressured to be around him when I don't want to be. Even though we are all adults now this has been painful for me ever since it happened. Would you be able to remove the offending child out of the family to protect your child who was victimized? Is it unrealistic for me to think that they should have taken my side?

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Asked by Anonymous at 6:22 PM on Oct. 21, 2008 in General Parenting

Answers (7)
  • I don't think so at all. If you don't want to be around him (and who would?) they should never expect you too. His christian duty as a brother was to love and protect you, not violate you. Just because he went to jail and found Jesus doesn't make him someone you would want to be around.

    I am actually disgusted that your family wouldn't support you. I don't think I could look at my son if he did that to my daughter. It's not fair that you are just expected to get over it. Not to mention, in your shoes I certainly wouldn't want my children around him.


    Answer by evilabbysmom at 6:48 PM on Oct. 21, 2008

  • Honestly, In that situation, I could choose. And I would choose to protect my daughter with everything in me. My son would be a distant relative at that point, barely given a common courtesy. Of course I would always love him, but I DON'T have to love what he did. And you DON'T have to be around your brother no matter how much family pressures you. It isn't fair. I'm truly sorry for what happened to you, and that your family doesn't seem to understand how bad it hurts you when they want you to be around him.

    Answer by Emmy_Dollface at 7:15 PM on Oct. 21, 2008

  • How old was he? That would be so hard as a parent. No matter what your child does - murder or worse - they are still your baby. Obviously that gets more complicated when the harm was done to another one of your children. I can't say easily that I can answer what I would do, I hope I never have to find out. I know, regardless of what happens, I would always love my children. I would never pressure the victimized child to "forgive and forget" -- I think I would try to find a balance where the victim knows I love them, but I can't just stop loving my other child. Your parents must feel some sense of guilt and blame themselves? I'm sure they wish it never happened, and WRONGLY feel like if you could just forget it things would be "normal"... I don't think your parents should take "your side", per se, but I also don't think they should put pressure on you to forgive him and be around him.

    Answer by Serafyna at 7:23 PM on Oct. 21, 2008

  • He was 13 when he was convicted, and he came back home when he was 14. So he only had to register as a sex offender until he was 21. Also, he is not a Christian (though he claims to be, he doesn't go to church and certainly doesn't act like one). He also is very bossy with the rest of the family and tries to act like the patriarch, always telling everyone how to live, even though he is a drug addict (prescription painkillers). To complicate it even worse, his kids have mistreated mine countless times - pushing her down, calling her names, etc. I also caught my neices (6 & 8 yrs old) teaching my 7 yr old daughter how to kiss! My mom doesn't think that all this is reason enough for me to choose not to have him or his family in my life. She says I am not being a good Christian because I refuse to forgive. I pray for him and his family all the time, but I probably haven't truly forgiven him.

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:27 PM on Oct. 21, 2008

  • oh my love what a sad story.i think he should have been kept away from you,you should have been for the pressure you feel to be around him now and forgive him,you dont have to do something that makes you feel uncomfortable,your brother has forced you into soomething before,and now its time to make your own decisions about what you want.your family shouldnt expect you to consider what he never did,he didnt want to be your brother,he didnt think about the family,he didnt think about your feelings.i would protect my child,yes i would get the other one help,but away from the one he had so badly sorry this happened to you.

    Answer by 2ndtimemom605 at 5:23 AM on Oct. 22, 2008

  • ugh, sounds like he has issues, please be very careful, he could do it again, and to others in the family especially kids, i wouldnt be around him, and if he comes to family functions i would not be ANYWHERE around him, i was nearly raped by a cousin( i say nearly bc his penis was ALMOST in, and then he heard my parents stirring so he went back to my brothers room) he was spending the night) when i was 9 i believe he was maybe 12 or 13, i have since forgiven him, but it still hurts, bc he says he doesnt remember it, but i have to deal with it for the rest of my life!! If you ever need to talk you can send me a message on yahoo shaie_74447 thats my messenger id

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:51 PM on Oct. 22, 2008

  • Who died and made your Mother the athority on Christianity? I feel her pain as a mother, you want to protect one but the one doing wrong is also your child...what to do? However, you are grown and you need to do what is best for you and your family. If that means cutting him out of your life so be it! He was old enough to know what he was doing to you was wrong. He owes you an appology! Some people will never change..that is not your fault. Make the best life you can for yourself. Protect your children. If your family cannot understand your decision well under the circumstances I say you are better off without them.

    Answer by salexander at 1:49 PM on Oct. 22, 2008

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